Practical advice for shutting down conversations

[frankief]

I am engaged - YAY! I'm very excited and so is my S.O. We're still deciding how we want to get married (big or small) but we both know that we don't want my uBPD dad at the wedding (my parents are divorced so it won't put my mom in a tough spot). I have been NC for almost 6 years and my life has vastly improved (along with some therapy to deal with the grief, guilt, anger, etc.). I am absolutely sure I do not want him at the wedding and don't want to have to go into my reasons why. The problem is I am sure to have some people (both well-meaning and enablers) badger me about not inviting my father and will tell me how I'll regret it, etc. This happened when I didn't want to invite him to my college graduation 15 years ago and got talked into inviting him. He pretty much made the day all about himself, added a bunch of stress and sucked the joy out of what should have been a happy day for me. My only regret from that was not going with my instincts and not inviting him. What I need help with now is how to field questions/demands from people who think I'm wrong not to invite my father and just don't get what I'm dealing with re: his uBPD. Anyone have good succinct responses for this sort of thing?

I'm most concerned about dealing with my grandmother (my dad's mom) who has recently started pestering me to reconnect with my dad. In the past, my explanations for my issues with him caused her to go to him to hear his side which of course he denied all his awful/abusive behavior. He has convinced her that I am just angry about his affair and him marrying his mistress when I am actually angry at him for behaving like a psychopath when my mother decided to divorce him and not "allow" him to have a mistress. His behavior (and rages) were so frightening that I was worried about my mother's, my sibling's and my personal safety many times. My dad is her son and my grandma doesn't want to think of him as a bad person (I can live with that) but I don't want to constantly be defending my position. The truly infuriating thing is that she has defended a cousin (not her grandchild but the son of her niece) of mine who has stopped talking to his father saying "I think [niece's son] is totally in the right. His father may never have hit him but he was emotionally abusive and I understand why [niece's son] has cut off contact." It's so frustrating! And I know if I tell her I'm getting married without my father, she will wage a campaign on his behalf. I just want to shut down the conversation and reassert my boundaries. Please help!

[lucyhoneychurch]

A beloved aunt of mine was the same way about my NC with my mother, her sister-in-law. I loved this woman like the mother I never had. Her motives were above board, she really didn't understand that "but that's how she shows her love for you, how she tries to help" comments were so off target.

What I had to keep saying in these calls (she has since died and I miss her so very much, we'd always been pen pals in my younger years, she was such a lady and sweet and the antithesis of my mother in every way), I had to keep saying, "Aunt hit_, I am not going to discuss that anymore, it is a hurtful topic and it is just how it is."

Since your concern is about plans in the future that your grandmother might want to override in defense of your father, you have a right to say, "Grandma, my fiance and I have made this decision. It is not up for discussion. You and I will have to talk about something else."

Another way is to just cut each talk short if she goes in that direction.

"Grandma, wow I lost track of the time, gotta run love you bye!"

"Grandma, I will have more time to talk on Sunday afternoon, let me call you back, love you bye!'

But I would state up front your father's attendance or not at your wedding is your decision and it's not up for debate. Then stick to it.

Cut off any comments and I wouldn't worry about being too polite doing so if she won't honor that.

Rude behavior even from a loved one like a grandmother is still rude.   

[frankief]

Thank you lunchhoneychurch and Clearmind! Sometimes it helps me to have a script so that when I lose my cool or get nervous I still know what to say- and your suggestions are very helpful! This is exactly what I wanted, something clear and concise to say when I need to reinforce my boundaries. Thanks again!

[lucyhoneychurch]

I used to stuff little handwritten notes by the phone back when I would attempt the long daily calls with my uBPDmother.

Rehearsing, knowing the cues when they say the typical shame/blame comment, and keeping our pulse in the double digit range ... . we can overcome.   

[rehtorb70]

My advice is to put it on a third party.

e.g., "Sorry, but my psychiatrist gave me strict instructions not to invite my father to the wedding."

If they press you or make some argument in favor of inviting him, promise to take it up with your psychiatrist at the next meeting.  Then if they bring it up again a few weeks later, tell them your psychiatrist was adamant.  Keep doing it as long as necessary.

[frankief]

rehtorb70 - thank you for weighing in, I appreciate the suggestion. I don't want to put it on a third party because for my father and his advocates that just gives them someone to rail against, and they will see it as an opening- "This isn't really FrankieF but someone else talking her into it. We just need to convince her she is getting bad advice... . " Also, my father's family does not care for therapy so a psychiatrist's opinion means absolutely nothing to them other than I'm the crazy one for seeing a shrink. Also, I'm no longer in therapy. I think I'm going to stick with "This subject is not up for debate. I'm an adult who has made a decision and there will be no further discussion. If that cannot be respected then we'll have to end the conversation."

[PleaseValidate]

dear frankief,

First of all congrats on the good news!   

I have been in nearly the EXACT situation and did NOT invite my mom to my wedding. In fact, i refused to even HAVE a college graduation party or even show up for the ceremony because i knew it would be "all about her" as was my hs graduation party which i left in the middle of. 

Her family actually BEGGED me to elope but i felt firmly that i could NOT continue to let my mom stop me from living. (Ironically, i might have eloped had it not have been for this thinking and my college graduation choices!) I ended up only inviting 2 of my mom's family to the wedding.

I might also add to your response (if needed), "This day is about US not HIM and i'm sick of talking about this. . . . So what else is going on with you?"


And now for the other question you might get . . . ."Who is gonna walk you down the isle?"  I got this question a lot because my dad was not invited either (we just weren't that close.) And then i got some very "helpful" suggestions ranging from my grandmother to my fiance's dad. I "walked myself" and was very proud of my symbolic decision!

[Coral]

Best wishes on your engagement.

I've never gone NC with my BPD sister but have certain topics I will not discuss with her.  If she finds out something has occurred around one of these topics, she'll ask and I say, "I won't discuss X."   I may have to repeat it several times and I will, with the same flat inflection.  I suppose it drives her nuts.  I don't know.  I'm doing it for me.  Her reactions are the same before and post discussion --- lies,  lies, lies.