Moving on

[drxap]

I have made it to 3 months out of my BPD relationship.

As time has passed I have only felt worse. Dealing with the lies and abuse was somewhat manageable throughout the relationship, but learning the truth about all of the cheating is so hard to deal with. To make matters worse she now lies to other people about me, depicting me as controlling, crazy, abusive, and over dependent. These are all of her issues, but she is just so good at projecting them onto me.

For the past month I've had growing substance abuse problems and I have been making a strong effort to quit and to exercise, but I'm just so tired from all of the stress and confusion. I moved to a new state while I interview for jobs and I have not had a social interaction in 3 weeks! I don't know why I have so much anxiety about leaving the house, let alone trying to go meet people.

Does anyone have any advice? I am just sitting here wasting my life. How have other people moved on and how long did it take?

[Tincup]

I am about 4 months out from my most recent breakup with my ex.  This is the last of probably 10 recycles.  It does take time to move on.  For myself I finally realized that she was not going to change, and as much as I was told that everything was my fault I slowly started to realize it wasn't.  I remember telling a friend of mine what had happened for us to breakup, and she could not believe it...

As far as what you can do, I am probably the last person to give you advise.  But for me I stopped all drinking, cut down coffee and anything else that would increase my anxiety.  I increased my workouts, and that made me feel better.  I also started doing WHAT I WANTED TO DO.  It took awhile, but you know I enjoy doing what I want to do.  Reading, sports, working on the house, etc.  Before long I was getting in shape, the house looked good.  Dang, I am a good catch (is that my self esteem coming back?).  Moving forward in a positive way is always a good thing.

[santa]

I was still pretty mindf'd at 3 months. Don't be discouraged by it. Right now I'm coming up on 6 months and I feel a million times better.

I still have ruminations from time to time, but honestly, I have come a long way from where I was just a month ago.

My best advice you is to be No Contact and Stay No Contact. Dealing with her in any capacity is just going to play with your emotions. I've only been no contact about 3 weeks and I'm sure I would have felt a lot better soon if I'd started No Contact earlier.

Also, just realize that your life would have been a disaster forever if you would have stayed with her. It would have just kept getting worse. I know you feel like you've wasted 3 months, but what you've really done is save your life and you'll have much better opportunities in the future. This one was a lemon.

[designgrl]

Hi drxap,

I'll be finally moving out of the house tomorrow to return to my home in another state!  I found out my UBPDH has been cheating and now two months later we have finally come to enough of a divorce agreement that I can leave our marital home!  I am super excited to be moving away from him.  

My plan for the next phase is this... .

Get a good therapist

Attend Al-anon (my H was also an alcoholic... which he hid from me until his drunk driving accident)

Surround myself with my family and friends

Find a few jobs

Run (like Forrest Gump but on a treadmill!)

Allow myself to have all kinds of feelings and remind myself that my thoughts and feelings aren't facts.

Practice lots of self care!

Take it one day at a time.  When I start thinking about the past or what he might be doing with whom or what he might be saying to people about me, I visualize a big red STOP sign!  Then I laugh!  It's not my business or concern any more what he's doing or saying.  It doesn't effect me any more because I'm not staying married to him.  :)id he care about me in our marriage? Not at all, if he did he wouldn't have done what he did!  

I'm going to keep coming here and reading all the awesome threads!  I will grieve the loss of a marriage I never really had in the first place and eventually I will heal and move on.  

Best of luck!

[santa]

Hi drxap,

I'll be finally moving out of the house tomorrow to return to my home in another state!  I found out my UBPDH has been cheating and now two months later we have finally come to enough of a divorce agreement that I can leave our marital home!  I am super excited to be moving away from him.  

My plan for the next phase is this... .

Get a good therapist

Attend Al-anon (my H was also an alcoholic... which he hid from me until his drunk driving accident)

Surround myself with my family and friends

Find a few jobs

Run (like Forrest Gump but on a treadmill!)

Allow myself to have all kinds of feelings and remind myself that my thoughts and feelings aren't facts.

Practice lots of self care!

Take it one day at a time.  When I start thinking about the past or what he might be doing with whom or what he might be saying to people about me, I visualize a big red STOP sign!  Then I laugh!  It's not my business or concern any more what he's doing or saying.  It doesn't effect me any more because I'm not staying married to him.  :)id he care about me in our marriage? Not at all, if he did he wouldn't have done what he did!  

I'm going to keep coming here and reading all the awesome threads!  I will grieve the loss of a marriage I never really had in the first place and eventually I will heal and move on.  

Best of luck!

LOL

You know Jenny Gump was a borderline, right? Look what happened to her. AIDS.

[designgrl]

Santa,

I did not know that!  Makes sense now that I think about it.  Great movie and perfect analogy of my life... . when people throw rocks at you, run away from them, when people chase you with a car, run away from them.  When you face catastrophic dangers in a rain forest, run away from it.  When you find yourself involved with a BPD person, run away from them!

Run DesignGrl Run!

[cm2012]

Hi drxap,

I'm just starting to feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel (after 7 months of separation, 3 months of NC.) These are the things that have helped me:

The article titled "Emotional Memory Management" (not sure how to get to it on this board, but it's somewhere in the "Lessons" category.) I knew most of my thinking revolved around the hurt I felt. I just didn't know how to change the constant thinking about it. After I read that article every time I started to think about him and the injustice and the insult and the unfairness and the blah, blah, blah... . I tried to focus on a picture in my head of a really happy time in my life - not even a thought or a feeling - just a picture. Once I did that I started feeling like I wasn't so constantly overwhelmed with the thoughts that were making me so sad. 

No Contact! This is the hardest and I'm struggling with it now. It sounds like you're still exposed to her friends/family  (because you know what she's saying about you.) Try to get away from that. Do whatever you can to not be exposed to that. It will only hurt you. Actually, it's designed to hurt you - do whatever you can to remove it from your awareness.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

[drxap]

NC is tricky b/c we are on a lease together until the end of July. I also have quite a few expensive things at the apartment.

Would it be wrong to make her pay the full rent? Her actions caused the end of the relationship and thus ruined the plan to sublease after I graduated.

Its either I try to have a very difficult and hurtful negotiation with her or I pay $2,400 for a place I don't live at!

[santa]

Santa,

I did not know that!  Makes sense now that I think about it.  Great movie and perfect analogy of my life... . when people throw rocks at you, run away from them, when people chase you with a car, run away from them.  When you face catastrophic dangers in a rain forest, run away from it.  When you find yourself involved with a BPD person, run away from them!

Run DesignGrl Run!

LOL

My breakup made me want to jog back and forth across the country a few times. I really don't think Forrest would have kept wanting to be with her if he had a normal IQ though. The girl was a mess and treated him with nothing but disrespect. He definitely would have kicked her to the curb with a regular IQ.

[designgrl]

Even though she caused the end of the relationship, you have entered into a legal agreement to lease an apartment together, you have a legal responsibility to continue to pay half of the rent.  If you would rather not speak to her and work out some sort of replacement person for your portion of the rent, your only option is to continue to pay it.

I personally would opt for the conversation and arrange a designated time to pick up my things.  If you really don't want to speak to her perhaps you can have a mutual friend retrieve your things for you?  

[cm2012]

Is it possible to force her to pay the full rent or move out in order to sublease the apartment now? Maybe a legal opinion as to your options might help.

Remember - any negotiations are going to be difficult and hurtful. My experience is the more I tried to avoid the difficult and hurtful the more difficult it became and the more I hurt, because he saw my efforts as an opening to get even more of what he wanted, no matter how much it negatively affected me. 

It's hard to hear, but the only moves that are going to bring you out of this are the moves you make that are completely in your interests.

[drxap]

Hi drxap,

I'm just starting to feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel (after 7 months of separation, 3 months of NC.) These are the things that have helped me:

The article titled "Emotional Memory Management" (not sure how to get to it on this board, but it's somewhere in the "Lessons" category.) I knew most of my thinking revolved around the hurt I felt. I just didn't know how to change the constant thinking about it. After I read that article every time I started to think about him and the injustice and the insult and the unfairness and the blah, blah, blah... . I tried to focus on a picture in my head of a really happy time in my life - not even a thought or a feeling - just a picture. Once I did that I started feeling like I wasn't so constantly overwhelmed with the thoughts that were making me so sad. 

No Contact! This is the hardest and I'm struggling with it now. It sounds like you're still exposed to her friends/family  (because you know what she's saying about you.) Try to get away from that. Do whatever you can to not be exposed to that. It will only hurt you. Actually, it's designed to hurt you - do whatever you can to remove it from your awareness.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

That article was very helpful, thank you!

[mgl210]

Hey Draxp,

I feel your pain man. I just want to drink myself to a stupor so I don't have to think of all the pain that I am feeling. This is the fifth time she has come and gone into my life. Will I ever learn? I doubt it. Be glad that you joined this group and that you are aware exactly how you are feeling.

MGL