How do you really cope?

[Perfidy]

Fromhealtoheal

You are a very healthy guy to notice her abnormalities in the right time. I noticed my husband issues after 11 years! For people want to stay with a PDs partner I have to say they have got their own issues including myself. If you are a healthy person you will not continue with them.i have been noticing that most of my female freinds are PDs as well. I'm a fixer rescuer type!

Pearl, my biggest issue is that I thought I was strong enough. I knew from the start that she was sick. I thought I could handle it. 7.5years with a severely afflicted person... Yeah, I need a flea collar.

[Pearl55]

Perfidy

I do understand what you mean. I consider myself a strong woman and to be honest with you it was embarrassing for me to call the police and confess that I was in an abusive relationship. He was clever enogh to took advantages of me to the max. No matter how strong we were, this disorder always wins and if we stayed we were the loser one. I'm so glad I'm out.

[Boisnix79]

Thanks HEEL,

I guess on some level I was asking, why are you still posting here? And I didnt mean in a confronting way... . like actually why... . And you answered that... You are intuitive... .

My BPD GF is not seeking treatment, has avoided and manipulated every push Ive made for it, and is a sick girl... . Why is that so hard to accept... . I think to be human is to make sense of things, to fix things, to improve things... . thats why we have become so advanced... . we as individuals arent all that much different... . and I think that real intelligence is knowing just how far you can take something and then stopping... . whether thats drinking, school, smoking cigarettes, etc. Some things we cannot advance, cannot utilize, cannot progress through in the conventional way... . and in most cases, being with someone with BPD is a lesson in stopping, and as Heel said, being much more selective in what we start. In essence its taking ourselves and our own lives with more responsibility and respect.

Self respect if you will... .

Eh my 2 cents rambling

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromhealtoheal

You are a very healthy guy to notice her abnormalities in the right time. I noticed my husband issues after 11 years! For people want to stay with a PDs partner I have to say they have got their own issues including myself. If you are a healthy person you will not continue with them.i have been noticing that most of my female freinds are PDs as well. I'm a fixer rescuer type!

I still play with that Pearl.  There's a line between caring about someone and rescuing them, and caring about someone is what we want to do.  Also, in my world it's a man's job to take care of his woman, in a provide and protect masculine way, and it's a feminine woman's job to let him.  So when do you cross the line into fixing and rescuing?  Fixing someone implies they're broken, my ex certainly was, at least she presented to me someone who was, mostly to try and control me.  And I'm defining rescuing as putting yourself in danger to save someone else, the classic definition, not healthy in a relationship.  With my ex I tried for a while, but at some point you need to cut the crap and show up like a partner in this relationship sunshine.  Never happened.  But it's an ongoing question, where do you draw the line?

[Perfidy]

Right, me too. Just took some time and a little coaching to get my feelings in line with reality. Cops are a last resort in relationship counseling. If cops show up I'm gone and bet your a$$ I'll stay gone.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess on some level I was asking, why are you still posting here? And I didnt mean in a confronting way... . like actually why... . And you answered that... You are intuitive... .

Also, I post a lot on the Personal Inventory board too, but it's nice to come back here, read stories I totally relate to, and help where I can.  Plus, honestly, there's a lot more juice on the Leaving board.

So Boisnix you mention it's been 11 months for you; 11 month relationship and you're still in it, or you've been out for 11 months?  Sorry, I didn't read your previous posts.  In any case, you're trying to encourage her to seek treatment and she isn't interested, yes?

[myself]

Self respect if you will... .

  That's the answer to so much of what we go through. 

[Boisnix79]

Heel, I understand what you mean... . and thanks for the help...

Yes weve been together for 11 months... . shes broken up 10+ times in that time but yes... .

It goes like this. (Ans she knows that I think she has a disorder, and she knows I know.)

1. I try for a solid week to be "perfect", build trust, take her to eat, be nice, etc... . just be a good BF in general and extra for her...

2. I, in a gentle fashion, ask if we could go to a therapist to work on us. To work on our "communication issues". She agrees in some weak form to the request and says she has no problem with it.

3. At a little later time I ask her what is a good day for the appt or something along those lines... . She ignores or changes subject... . successfully throws me off the goal for a short time... .

4. During this time she comes up with a reason why we are not meant to be... . could be anything, BUT, they always make "logical" sense... . like I can say, are you serious? and she says yes... . The way I am unstable... . hmmmm... . or how I "just dont get her" which is her all time fav.

5. I try to coax, beg, ask, for us to go to therapy... .

6. She says, crying sometimes, angry others, "you just think theres something wrong with me and youre tricking me to go to couples counseling when in your heart you know its only for me"

7. I react by saying its for us, working on us, and thats it.

8. She goes back to the incompatibility. Harps on that for a while... . and belittles me, OR takes the high road and says "its not your fault, its just not meant to be"... . hmmmm

9. So it took me a few times but realized if Im scared she thinks we arent even right for each other, then I'll probably be MUCH less likely to ask for therapy... .

10. It works sometimes, then I snap out of it and go HEY... . Ive been duped... . OR

11. I say look hun, we need to go, its been a lot of verbal abuse, physcial altercations at times, etc. Its time and we owe it to ourselves to make this work...

12... . she goes silent... . only to chime in "I agree that we would need counseling, and I have no issue with going... . the only problem is, WE arent compatible as people... . SO I will go to get help on my own and you go on your own... . Its very hard and I'm sorry."

13. I text her or she texts me or calls and we start the cycle over again soon after... .

Shes VERY intelligent, and although not a bad person at all... . in fact sweet... . shes sufering and scared they will lock her up... . she owns a business and makes great money and she is afraid its gonna cost her all shes worked for... . SO I think she actually would rather lose us then face this... . Even if it is "for us", she knows what will come of that therapy.

Ahhh exhausting... .

[Pearl55]

There is a running joke among psychiatric professionals about BPD’s;

You don’t treat borderlines, you ignore them.

Most psychiatrist and psychologists refuse to see BPD patients because of their lies,manipulations and toxicity of their minds.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry your thread is being a little hijacked Rebuilding, but I think there's value here anyway.

What I first think Boisnix is fear of abandonment, the core of the disorder.  If you go into therapy together and everyone gets real and honest, the real her will be exposed, you won't like it, because she doesn't, and you will leave her.  So all the logical deflections and attention shifts have a common origin, fear.  Unfortunately there's no way to appease that, because it isn't about us or what we do, it's about a replaying of the dynamic they've been running in their heads since the original trauma when they were very young.  It will be up to you to either accept her the way she is or leave, cuz she ain't changin, although therapy may be beneficial for you both.

[Rebuilding me]

Sorry your thread is being a little hijacked Rebuilding, but I think there's value here anyway.

All good all very informative!

[Boisnix79]

Sorry Rebuilding  Didnt mean to hijack the ship.

We're all in this together.

[Rebuilding me]

All good this site and all the posts have helped me at least begin to obtain some closure! I fear it is a long road though!   

[Boisnix79]

Agreed. Kind of scary what relationships like these open up in ourselves.

[Pinoypride18]

Rebuilding me, you have no idea how much i am going through the exact same thing. Yes finding out about BPD explained a lot, im just sad i found out about it when it was too late. I also thought my exBPDgf was the one, we had so much in common, but that is what she wanted me to believe. And im going out on a limb and say that is what your ex did to you. But it was all fake, a lie just to make her attach easier.

I have also daydreamed her finding out she has BPD and me being right. Then she would apologize. But the truth is i dont think she would ever feel any remorse. In her mind she is never wrong, even if she is, she would lie just to be right.

I just really cant get how they could act like this. My ex was also involved with other people soon after the breakup. And it made me feel like trash. Like i really wasnt as great as she would always say. That i was easily replaceable and it all meant nothing to her. I hate her for cheapening what we had.

I am still on my way to recovery. Been 2 months since the breakup and still finding it hard to cope. She messed me up big time, and i dont even know who i am anymore