So do they keep on "keeping tabs"?

[lipstick]

Hi all,

Some of you know my story. exBPDbf dumped me in October of 2012. Gave me the Silent Treatment for over a year. Popped back up on Facebook in November as "following me". I ignored that. Then sent a "Friend Request" at the beginning of December. I ignored that as well. Soo... . the ex proceeded to block me on FB and also took down his second FB "alter ego" account several weeks after the blocking.

I found it amusing that I was the "bad guy (girl)" and got blocked for not accepting his Friend Request even though he was the one that discarded me. I'm curious though... . even though he's apparently furious with me (how DARE I reject him, right?)... . will he still find ways to spy on me? My counselors say most definitely "yes" and they tell me he's not done. 

Anyone have experience with their ex "keeping tabs" on them? How did you deal with it? Did they ever get the nerve to contact you directly? I've chosen to just keep on ignoring even though it makes me sad.

Thx!   

[santa]

When I've had relationships that ended well, they didn't keep tabs. The ones that end badly always do though.

[Murbay]

lipstick,

Unfortunately, yes they do. I witnessed it first hand with my exBPDw, her exbf (daughters father) had been NC for 7 years. He blocked her from FB but she set up an account under her daughters name to spy on him, I would often find her looking at his page. She would tell me he went NC on another ex so she was investigating where he was because his other ex had asked her to. She even went as far as ringing around places to see if he was working there based on pics he put up on FB. She also spied on my exgf despite me asking her not to.

It's been a year NC now, I have had emails every month, she is on LinkedIN so I know she is spying on me on there. Unfortunately there is no block button. One of her emails suggested I had told her about a promotion when we were together, the promotion came 3 months later and out of the blue so the only place she could have known about that was LinkedIn. She has tried to contact me on Skype, she has befriended my daughters mother and my daughter on FB though I know they will not tell her anything, she befriended some of my friends too. No matter what avenue I close down, she finds another opening.

The thing I dislike is when they block you on FB first because it still gives them a certain level of control and they can choose when to unblock. I knew what email address my exBPDw used so blocked her by email address and then locked down my profile. A month or so later I was getting friends requests from my SD7 but as I knew she never knew she had a FB account, it was my ex. My family got similar requests too.

It was scary at first but now I find it quite amusing. Had she put this amount of effort into the marriage or to getting help then maybe things could have been very different.

The only advice I can give you is continue to work towards your own happiness and just pretend they don't exist. He isn't worth your time and effort and if he chooses to expend his own energy then let him. It is just proof to you that he isn't any further forward and that you are best out of it 

[Perfidy]

Hi lipstick, yes. The ex kept tabs. I did too for a little while but dropped it like a bad habit. I am ten months out and have been zero contact since August. I have lost all track of her. We were not married and had no children or joint holdings in anything. She does not meet the minimum criteria of friendship, so there is no reason for me to be concerned with her. She made a couple of attempts to engage me which were unanswered. There is an old Klingon proverb; keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This might explain the ex's behavior. I don't consider her either friend or foe but a stranger.

[UnLuckyLady]

Very well put Perfidy.

A stranger.  Someone I never really knew.  But knew all of me 

[CoasterRider]

I haven't heard a peep out of my ex since he took off 2 months ago.

Whether he "keeps tabs" or not who knows. I recently reactivated my facebook and I had been unfriended but not blocked as he has done some of his ex's.

I always inevitably get the "Im sorry, I messed up" conversation from everyone Ive dated in the past. Dont think I will get one this time around. Too many special circumstances (BPD) involved. Whereas the other ones grew up and took responsibility for their past behaviors and needed to clean their conscience moving forward. I dont think that will ever happen here... .

Not sure whats going on in his head... . Never will

[CoasterRider]

Very well put Perfidy.

A stranger.  Someone I never really knew.  But knew all of me 

back to where we started from, perfect strangers... . very true... .

[bpdspell]

When we have "gone silent" they tend to keep tabs on you. It doesn't matter who did the breaking up. The mere thought that we haven't begged or groveled to be back at their beck and call will spike their curiosity.

Of course this is all contingent upon whether they're engrossed in the idealization stage with new supply. Then you're a blip on their radar. My ex stalked me all the time until I got a restraining order. My ex didn't think I'd have the strength to cut him out of my life but I had to to save my life.

They keep tabs and it's no biggie to read into. It's doesn't translate into apologies or making amends. They don't come back all fixed up and mentally well. They are still and will forever be sick without deep psychological intervention. I used to think that my ex stalking me meant that I was important to him but in reality it's about control.

Spell

[CoasterRider]

I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothers me I haven't heard anything. My NPD ex from when I was in my early 20s never left me alone, and even he still pops up now and then.

But my most recent waif uBPDex I'm certainly is in the throws of idealization with my replacement. That's prolly the reason.

[santa]

I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothers me I haven't heard anything. My NPD ex from when I was in my early 20s never left me alone, and even he still pops up now and then.

But my most recent waif uBPDex I'm certainly is in the throws of idealization with my replacement. That's prolly the reason.

Isn't your breakup only a few weeks old? I'm sure it'll come. If not, all the better.

[CoasterRider]

I'm not gonna lie it kinda bothers me I haven't heard anything. My NPD ex from when I was in my early 20s never left me alone, and even he still pops up now and then.

But my most recent waif uBPDex I'm certainly is in the throws of idealization with my replacement. That's prolly the reason.

Isn't your breakup only a few weeks old? I'm sure it'll come. If not, all the better.

Working on 2 months... . Feeling better about it daily just that one part sticks me. You're right prolly better off.

[Changingman]

Perfidy is so right it hurts, a strange face emerges and enters your life you are the fool who let's her in she goes, so much nothing gone. A stranger from start to finish. At least this last one was.

Stay far away stranger.

[lipstick]

Mine doesn't have "new supply" and his life is pretty crappy. I get no satisfaction from knowing that. It makes me sad.

I'm just wondering if they still find a way to "watch" you even when they've created the illusion that they have shut you out. My counselors have told me he's playing games and that he'll be back. Whatever. He came back after more than a year - and had nothing to say. No message, no text, no phone call. Just a "Friend Request" followed by a cyber-tantrum when I didn't play along.    

I don't like games where the rules are constantly changing.

[Murbay]

I'm sure they do lipstick and that's the frustrating part.

As I mentioned before, I actually laughed when my T told me she would be back considering the trail of destruction she caused in the end. I apologised to him when his prediction came true, except it was almost immediate and not the 6 month time frame he gave it.

She has enough feelers out there to keep an eye on what I'm doing but to be honest, I don't care because she doesn't control my life anymore. If she sees something that angers or upsets her then that's not my issue, it's hers and serves her right for spying