I felt so validated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A little background:  uBPDw and I are getting a divorce - I filed a couple months back and our final hearing is coming up at the end of the month.  This entire time, the condition to even attempt to save our marriage has been 1) out of home separation for a min. of 6 months 2) marriage counseling twice a month and 3) individual therapy for her (I see a T on my own already).

uBPDw, in December, finally decided to go get individual therapy thinking I would call it off.  I didn't.  This past month she finally decided she would attempt MC again and scheduled an apt for us.  I went, simply because I said I would go and have begged her for 2 years to attend MC with me.  She is still refusing a separation so I have not called off the divorce.  During our first session with the T (this T is an actual Dr. with a LOT of cred) uBPDw informs that under no circumstances will she be doing a separation.  We spend the entire session hearing about what a selfish ___hole I am (when continuously pressed to give examples, she can't come up with any).  After the session, I agree to attend another one since time is running short (my thought is that we can discuss things like when she is moving out, what her plans will be when the divorce is final, etc.).  Fast forward to this week... . our second session with this T.  uBPDw does the same thing again - lots of accusations with no proof, gets increasingly agitated as the session goes on, ends up dysregulating and melting down in front of the T and abruptly leaves the session.  The T looks at me and asks "are you ok?".  I look at her and say "My wife has BPD doesn't she?"  (Keep in mind, PD's have NOT been discussed at all with this T).  She looks at me and says "I was just going to say the EXACT same thing to you.  Normally I don't side with anyone in these types of situations, however, given the severity of your situation, I think you need to hear this.  Your wife is very sick, and I would highly recommend you keep your current course of action."

Right or wrong for her to say this to me aside, it was the most validating thing I've ever heard.  It felt SOO good to hear someone with that type of background recognize it right away... .

Only a few more weeks to go... .

Thanks for listening!

[ts919]

A little background:  uBPDw and I are getting a divorce - I filed a couple months back and our final hearing is coming up at the end of the month.  This entire time, the condition to even attempt to save our marriage has been 1) out of home separation for a min. of 6 months 2) marriage counseling twice a month and 3) individual therapy for her (I see a T on my own already).

uBPDw, in December, finally decided to go get individual therapy thinking I would call it off.  I didn't.  This past month she finally decided she would attempt MC again and scheduled an apt for us.  I went, simply because I said I would go and have begged her for 2 years to attend MC with me.  She is still refusing a separation so I have not called off the divorce.  During our first session with the T (this T is an actual Dr. with a LOT of cred) uBPDw informs that under no circumstances will she be doing a separation.  We spend the entire session hearing about what a selfish ___hole I am (when continuously pressed to give examples, she can't come up with any).  After the session, I agree to attend another one since time is running short (my thought is that we can discuss things like when she is moving out, what her plans will be when the divorce is final, etc.).  Fast forward to this week... . our second session with this T.  uBPDw does the same thing again - lots of accusations with no proof, gets increasingly agitated as the session goes on, ends up dysregulating and melting down in front of the T and abruptly leaves the session.  The T looks at me and asks "are you ok?".  I look at her and say "My wife has BPD doesn't she?"  (Keep in mind, PD's have NOT been discussed at all with this T).  She looks at me and says "I was just going to say the EXACT same thing to you.  Normally I don't side with anyone in these types of situations, however, given the severity of your situation, I think you need to hear this.  Your wife is very sick, and I would highly recommend you keep your current course of action."

Right or wrong for her to say this to me aside, it was the most validating thing I've ever heard.  It felt SOO good to hear someone with that type of background recognize it right away... .

Only a few more weeks to go... .

Thanks for listening!

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow!  I would have loved to hear that from a pro about my ex; congratulations on the validation!  I've had to create my own validation, which is a gift in its own right, made me dig deep, but I spent a lot of time confused in between.  What your T said is gonna be a timesaver fer sure!

[heartandwhole]

ts919,

You have gotten something that many of us long for, a professional opinion on the issues in your relationship that confirmed your suspicions – that is very fortunate, because now you can make decisions that are right for you without wondering if you were just imagining things!  What a relief for you, I'm glad you feel better about your plans. 

[ts919]

It certainly has helped immensely!  I mean, my personal T and I have come to this conclusion about a year and a half ago - it's been a "suspicion" at least.  But to hear an actual T with those creds... . and one that was selected by uBPDw(!) was just icing on the cake.  I've had a lot of "narcissist" accusations flying around my house for a long time now as well - and they came up several times during our two sessions with this T - the T also wanted to clarify with me that she never picked up any narcissism from me at all - that I seemed to be very well adjusted, especially given the circumstances.  I would've hugged this woman if given the chance! 

I know the next few weeks/months aren't going to be easy; but I feel much more validated in the action I am taking.