How do you ever fill the emptiness?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Watching my uBPDh I feel like he is a bottomless pit of need.  It's almost like he wants me to fill his emptiness? 

Has anyone else experienced this and what did they do that helped? Any advise would be wonderful. 

[Happy73]

Watching my uBPDh I feel like he is a bottomless pit of need.  It's almost like he wants me to fill his emptiness? 

Has anyone else experienced this and what did they do that helped? Any advise would be wonderful. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

What does he seem needy about? Does it all seem to revolve, at the heart, around one thing, or is it generally.

Give the strongest examples right off the top of your head.

[Happy73]

Emotionally mostly. 

He would be with me 24/7 if he could. 

He wants to communicate non stop. 

He always tells me that I don't love him as much as he loves me.

He doesn't have outside friends, but when we are out in public he is very outgoing and fun to be around. 

He is very intelligent but yet tends to feel like he isn't loved enough.

[elemental]

he's telling how he feels, though it may not be a fact. did you ask him directly what helps him feel comfortable and loved?

[Happy73]

I have, and I have tried to give more.  It seems the more that I give the more that he expects until I feel like I have lost myself trying to please him. 

I do appreciate him telling me how he feels.  The problem becomes when he tries to tell me how I feel.  Lectures me on why I feel this way and then tells me the things he needs to do because of the way I feel (this is his interpretation of how I feel - not how I really feel). I then try and tell him my feelings, and then he tells me that they are not and explains why I can't feel the way I do... .

[elemental]

you have boundries you need to enforce in order to maintain your self and not be co dependent or enmeshed.

It's good that you are here and there are people here who can really help you with that. I am struggling today, myself, so I am not able to add much atm, except to encourage you to stick around and post and learn.

To the right on this page are lessons. -----> and if you haven't read them, it really helps if you do.

Validation is very important and can calm people down enough to trust you and work with you instead of arguing (JADE) or invalidating and ending up in circular arguements.

It sounds really a difficult situation and no one likes to feel like their life is being taken from them. Stick around here and people will help with this for you. 

[Mazda]

Happy,

BPDs have a void in them.  A vacuum.  A vacuum of self hatred. 

When does that void stop existing? Perhaps if THEY get some extensive help to deal with their core trauma (if it actually was a reaction to a core trauma).  Will it ever go away? No. Never.  Maybe better coping mechanisms can be taught, but it will exist in some way.

When will you have done enough to fill the void? Never. It's not YOU that can fix it, it's him.  You can only lose yourself completely in the futile pursuit of trying to fix him, but it is all in vain unless he does the work himself.

Why does he call and need you etc etc?  It's the classic case of a dead of abandonment.  They are so scared of being left and being alone that they need to know you are there, constantly.  There's also the concept of object constancy at play here, which means that is you are not in contact with him, he cannot emotionally connect.  I suspect it is mainly the former.  When will this stop? Never.  Never ever ever.  As it is part of his condition.  Once again, it will only stop when he gets treatment for it.

Although boundaries are important for avoiding abuse, they are not effective in this scenario as these needs to be constantly emotionally validates and not abandoned are so intrinsic to their personality that I doubt techniques done by anyone other than a professional will address them.