Why do I attract/seek new BPD's?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I let a friend of a friend stay at my place for a month. Now I realize she and the friend are vaguely (or really) BPDish!

   One thing I realize is they're both "fun", musicians, and kind of cute. I figure my lesson is to just seek quality, feel my worth, don't be superficial, see my superficiality, and also live and learn!

   If you can relate, I'd love to hear.

[LivingLearning]

So I let a friend of a friend stay at my place for a month. Now I realize she and the friend are vaguely (or really) BPDish!

   One thing I realize is they're both "fun", musicians, and kind of cute. I figure my lesson is to just seek quality, feel my worth, don't be superficial, see my superficiality, and also live and learn!

   If you can relate, I'd love to hear.

[santa]

Frankly, there's probably something about you that they see and think they can exploit. Whatever it is, I've got it too. We've got to figure it out and work on it.

[LivingLearning]

What do you think that is? If you had to guess?

[Tincup]

I have thought a lot about this too. I think in my case I am a people pleaser, and a nice guy and probably too trusting. I also can take a lot before I get mad.  That in my book is a recipe for BPD attraction.

[santa]

What do you think that is? If you had to guess?

I'm not sure.

I just read in another thread that your mom is BPD. Maybe you've been "groomed" to sort of react to them in a way that they like. Maybe the way you treat them is what they're looking for. Sort of like, you know how to put up with them, I guess. Someone that will tolerate or make adjustments to react to their behavior in a manner that keeps the relationship on course is probably pretty appealing to them. If not tolerate, maybe react to it in a way that excites them.

I know I've got some vulnerabilities because of my relationships with my parents. I've also got some narcissistic traits that I guess keep them excited. I think I was probably too nurturing to my BPD. Let too much stuff go without making a fuss. I was also sort of constantly pulling away as is my narcissistic tendency. I think keeping her off-balanced kept her excited. It was sort of a game between our subconscious minds, I guess. I need to work on that stuff or I'm going to keep getting stuck with crazy girls.

[santa]

I know I was way too receptive to her stalking, mirroring, and infatuation. I was flattered by it. I should have seen the red flags. I was so full of myself that I sort of liked it. I need to recognize that there's a downside to that kind of behavior.

[NoCRV]

I was talking to a girl shortly.  She told me about past suicide attempts.  Her push and pull was irritating and she was making herself to be victim.  I was like 3 out of 9.  Good enough for me, Bye!

[Murbay]

I just read in another thread that your mom is BPD. Maybe you've been "groomed" to sort of react to them in a way that they like. Maybe the way you treat them is what they're looking for.

I think santa makes a very valid point here. If you accept Freud's views then you are essentially looking for your mother. She is the first person we meet and form a close bond with. She is our view of comfort and security, even if sometimes they are disordered. It's what we learn from and adapt to it. When seeking a mate we subconsciously look for those same feelings which is why we are attracted to what feels familiar. In the same respects, girls are drawn to father figures in very much the same way. Sometimes there is a cross over depending on the parent. I don't know if there is any truth to it but it does make sense.

I'm in the same boat as Tincup, people pleaser and too trusting but that is only half the issue. It may mean that's what draws them to us but doesn't explain why we fail to see the red flags until it's too late or once enmeshed or being abused, why we continue to fight for the relationship. There is certainly an element of codependency in there somewhere.

I was married to a pwBPD/NPD, it didn't end well and almost destroyed me. I came away with lessons learned, healed and then walked into another relationship several months later with a diagnosed pwBPD. I never even saw it until she told me about the diagnosis. Before both of those I had 2 long term r/s with 2 nons, though the 2nd relationship ended because we both became too codependent.

Santa, I'm also with you on that, let too much go without challenging just to keep the peace but that is part of the people pleaser.

[myself]

doesn't explain why we fail to see the red flags until it's too late or once enmeshed or being abused, why we continue to fight for the relationship.

We saw them. We lied to ourselves.

We took the hits because we were addicted.

We were trying to get our needs met.

[charred]

There is a good book on it... "A general theory of love"... . basically, whatever we grew up with as little kids... is what we see as love and what we look for in a partner. We all think the last thing we want is someone like our mom or dad... but what trips our trigger ... is whatever we grew up with. Most the time if you had a less than perfect FOO, grew up anxious, keeping people at a distance to protect yourself, not really letting people get close... you probably are not securely attached (attachment theory.) So when you meet a pwBPD... there can be sparks on both side and they idealize you, and you didn't get enough unconditional love... the attention they give is intoxicating... they bust the boundaries that keep everyone else at arm's length, and you find yourself in a BPD r/s.

So... look carefully at your FOO. I didn't see it for the longest time. My mother didn't seem anything like my exBPDgf. However my mother lost her mother when she was 5 and was dropped by her father at her grandparents... till she was 13. (Pretty much lost both parents for 8 yrs... got one back.)

My pwBPD... acts out... horrifically. Didn't see that my mother is BPD as well... but acts in. She is waif BPD, and ultra passive-aggressive. Mother was traumatized by kids... she pretty much had to raise her two little sisters (one the infant born when her mother died in childbirth)... so my mother is very stiff/uncomfortable around young kids... but pretty good from 5up. I remember mostly 5up... but heard stories about her not being very good. Anyway... it left me wanting unconditional love... and not knowing it, and wanting someone that shows some emotions... and is expressive. So what is a BPD gal like... expressive, emotional, seems to give unconditional love... it sounded like a match made in heaven. (But it came from the place with sulphur and brimstone.)

[santa]

doesn't explain why we fail to see the red flags until it's too late or once enmeshed or being abused, why we continue to fight for the relationship.

We saw them. We lied to ourselves.

We took the hits because we were addicted.

We were trying to get our needs met.

Bingo. This is exactly what I did. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway because I wanted to.

[lemon flower]

after twenty (!) years of various relationships with (BPD-like or extremely BPD) -boyfriends or "normal" friends, of whom my last ex was the worst ever (worst as in: 100% cliche uBPD, but also the most dear to me) I now finally start to see why "they" always "find" me, le me try to list it:

- I am a mix of a mother and a sister to them: they seek in me the mother they never had and the sister they never had neither (all of them were raised without a mother , the last one without father neither, and had only elderly brothers that harmed, bullied or abused them), I am there to comfort them, keep them safe and to take care for them, and being a woman I am less treatening, they can relax in my presence

- as I grew up with a father who couldn't control his emotions too well and was raging his anger to his family and especially to me, the eldest, I have a higher tolerance and acceptance to it, although it still frightens me (I have to mention that my dad was not BPD, so it took me a while to realise that his anger is of another kind that the BPD-anger).

- my dad used to drink, so I have an unconscious attraction to the smell of alcohol and the typical emtional I-love-you-so-much drunkeness, although I dislike alcoholics a lot

- I have always been curious and open-minded by nature, which makes that I usually don't run away from strange-behaving persons,and so they feel that they can tell me their stories and take me to their world and their family without being judged or rejected

- I'm usually older than my boyfriends (up to 10 years of age difference) so here again they are looking for safety and parenting

- I am patient, friendly, reasonably "wise" and stable; I have my own house, I live quiet, I live quite isolated from other people by nature, which makes that there are no other people to interfere if something goes wrong

so here I am : the perfect shelter for wounded, homeless BPd's 

these are the most superficial and obvious reasons, now up to more hidden flings that I'm starting to discover in myself:

- I am HSP (highly sensitive), which makes that I am too open to their emotions (most HSP's have a problem with protecting their own energetical boundaries, we can easily been "taken over" by emotional vampires) and we are feeling overresponsible for someone elses wellbeing, I still feel guilty that I left him and I am still trying to "rescue" which I probably can't , but the intention stays, I find it very difficult responding to my own moral standarts of solidarity and compassion if I would abandon him in all his misery

- an interesting one: I discovered in myself also a fear of abandonement, but in combination with an even stronger fear of the opposite: so I am actually very scared of a "normal "relationship, as that could be too intimate, and then I would have to maybe start a real family, which scares me, because I don't know if I'm ready for that

- I am not that comfortable with my own body and sexuality, which is exactly what hyper sensual- and sexual BPD's feel and response to, I have difficulties to reject them, they are so tempting and comforting to that part of me, although in the end I feel that their sexuality is not really fulfilling me, it's empty and more about themselves than about me  :'(

so here I am again: I let BPD's come close because I'm probably scared of true intimacy and I'm hiding for adult relationships myself 

wow, my turn to see a therapist I'd say... .

[Changingman]

Woman 34, exballerina, 1 2 year old kid, single,

Really interested in me, something about the eyes was familiar.

Me = not rude but not interested. She keeps talking to me if she sees me. I'm totally quiet and non flirty.

Know a old man who lives upstairs from her :

She can't be alone, I've been down there. Has a lot of men visit, they've never been before, they knock on my door and ask if ********* is there! She goes on those sites, different guy every time. I know if she has company cos she calls me if not, we play chess, she spanks a load of money on drugs and booze. I reacon I could have had some ( sex) with her but I ain't interested in that anymore. (65)

Of course my mother has it, I have struggled all my life with this and how I was groomed by her. I'm so glad I'm spotting this stuff now. Realised a lot of my female friends are 30-37 are really toddlers emotionally. Validation it's huge, need some adult friends, bit over crazy drama. Maybe I've grown up some emotionally, really trying to change some behaviours.

Normal an interesting idea! What is it?

Hannibal lecture

'What does a man first desire... . what he sees everyday'