Was I a willing participant?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yes, they can leave a path of destruction with those people who allow them into their lives.

I had the above statement in with the rest of my comment on a different post on a different topic.  Rather than hijack the post, I thought I'd repost.  I'm curious to see how others feel about the above statement.  

I feel that I allowed my exwBPD into my life.  :)o you feel that way?  I did not know about BPD at the time.  But I saw    all over the place but slowly enough that I was too attached/enmeshed/addicted to detach until after I permitted 3.5 years of additional destruction.  And the more I invested in the interaction, the more I was willing to allow more destruction.  A never ending downward spiral.  It's like a "Money Trap" for a house or business.  

But I like to think in the terms that I was a volunteer and not a victim. The external destruction of the disorder of BPD requires participants.  As a child I was forced into my mother's BPD game.  As an adult, I now know that the disorder always wins.  And the only way not to lose is not to participate.  

[Tausk]

Yes, they can leave a path of destruction with those people who allow them into their lives.

I had the above statement in with the rest of my comment on a different post on a different topic.  Rather than hijack the post, I thought I'd repost.  I'm curious to see how others feel about the above statement.  

I feel that I allowed my exwBPD into my life.  :)o you feel that way?  I did not know about BPD at the time.  But I saw    all over the place but slowly enough that I was too attached/enmeshed/addicted to detach until after I permitted 3.5 years of additional destruction.  And the more I invested in the interaction, the more I was willing to allow more destruction.  A never ending downward spiral.  It's like a "Money Trap" for a house or business.  

But I like to think in the terms that I was a volunteer and not a victim. The external destruction of the disorder of BPD requires participants.  As a child I was forced into my mother's BPD game.  As an adult, I now know that the disorder always wins.  And the only way not to lose is not to participate.  

[Take2]

Hey Tausk... . since I responded to that line in the other posting, I'll comment here - with a slightly more thoughtout perspective on my part... .   I had stated that I did not willing allow the disorder in since I didn't know he had it originally and that it took me two full years to truly realize he did have it... . but that said, I admit, I did notice odd things initially - the gaslighting which I didn't understand - claiming we didn't have set plans when I could have sworn we did type stuff... .   the constantly being vague about our status together and his status with others... .   it did take a year for rage to truly hit, but even then, rather than heed the warning of my therapist then (who I went to in a panic) - to stop all contact immediately, to save every single email and contact from him, I didn't.  I let him in more and more as time passed.  I thought I would never get sucked in.  But I allowed it... .

Was I a willing participant?  I danced with him.  Yes.  A healthier person would have said "this is wildly unhealthy, I'm out".  Not me. 

[Tausk]

Hey there T2:

I like to say that I was a willing participant, not so much  as a judgment of my past.  My past is my past, but as a reminder for my future interactions.   As another thread on here states, I'm a BPD magnet.  They find me and follow me out like heat seeking missiles.  And I've almost gotten lured into a couple of other BPD interactions.

But my awareness now allows me to keep the gates shut and the pwBPD on the outside where limited damage can occur.

It's no judgment on my part. I was mirrored.  I liked the concept of rescuing.  I was with someone who are so giving and kind that I thought we were soul mates.  It's the loss of those things that was real only for the moment that I must still grieve today.

I hope you're hanging in there with you ex.  I know that you have to work with him.

IN support

T

[GreenMango]

I'd say I was a willing participant too.  For a couple of reasons.   The most pressing was feeling like a victim feels like crap. 

Not saying that the weren't situations where the other person acted like a real turd but that permanent victimhood can really rob a person of a sense of self control and feeling like I had the personal power over my life.

So taking some accountability allowed me to do that.

Thanks for the thread Tausk.

[santa]

I was more or less trapped by my ex. When I broke up with her, she filed bunk charges against me and then manipulated me to stay with her. The next time I tried to break up with her, she was pregnant out of nowhere after supposedly being on birth control.

I still should have gotten away from her when I had the chance though. Things got away from me a bit there. I didn't know what I was dealing with until it was too late.  

[seeking balance]

I feel that I allowed my exwBPD into my life.  :)o you feel that way?  I did not know about BPD at the time.  But I saw    all over the place but slowly enough that I was too attached/enmeshed/addicted to detach until after I permitted 3.5 years of additional destruction.  And the more I invested in the interaction, the more I was willing to allow more destruction.  A never ending downward spiral.  It's like a "Money Trap" for a house or business.  

I saw the red flags but I also really believed the words that were said... . all the right words hit me to the core... . When my ex proposed on the beach (mind you, I was on the verge of breaking up with her because I had had enough of the drinking, but that is a different thread, ) and said, "I want to do the hard, I want to build a life together with kids"... . it was everything I wanted to hear - so I willingly kept walking into the fire.

But I like to think in the terms that I was a volunteer and not a victim. The external destruction of the disorder of BPD requires participants.  As a child I was forced into my mother's BPD game.  As an adult, I now know that the disorder always wins.  And the only way not to lose is not to participate.  

My silver lining - is that I finally had an answer to my mother - I just knew she was difficult and being her daughter was exhausting.  It wasn't until one of the many separations that I went to visit my parents 3K miles away and I literally called my own T to say, "Oh my God, I married my mother"  They were the same, never happy and I was the problem - reality check.

As an adult, I see red flags and I choose not to walk down that path... . I also now have tools in how to handle my mom - proper boundaries and communication and I know longer take it all so personally.

This is a really good thread - great self-reflection you have shown Tausk.

[myself]

I was like the frog in the gradually hotter water. It started out fine. Then it began to feel uncomfortable, but I'd get used to it. I'd sweat, get dizzy, and adapt again. She was controlling the temperature, but I went along with it. Didn't want to make waves. It wasn't until it got to the boiling point that I jumped out and stayed out.

[santa]

I was like the frog in the gradually hotter water. It started out fine. Then it began to feel uncomfortable, but I'd get used to it. I'd sweat, get dizzy, and adapt again. She was controlling the temperature, but I went along with it. Didn't want to make waves. It wasn't until it got to the boiling point that I jumped out and stayed out.

Makes sense. I did much of the same.

[winston72]

An ignorant, naive, dreamy volunteer... . certainly not fully informed, so I am not too angry at myself. 

Red flags?  The whole room and world was awash in red.  The only white was on my flag of personal surrender.  But, still, I don't terribly much fault myself.  I thought rescuing was the right thing to do.  I thought being able to withstand large amounts of pain was a loving thing to do, I thought that giving her second, third, fourth and on and on number of chances was the loving thing to do that would create a deep trust between us.  So, I was stupid!  A victim?  I kind of was, in my spot. 

I told someone I was like a guy that walked down a dark alley in a tough city and I had $20 bills taped to my coat... . and was shocked when someone robbed me!  Hey, I should not have been so stupid, naive, uninformed, but it still wasn't right for them to rob me!  Of course it wasn't right, but it was still "unwise" at best. 

Am I meandering?  Time to sign off! 

Great thread.  No more $20 on my coat!

[Take2]

As another thread on here states, I'm a BPD magnet.  They find me and follow me out like heat seeking missiles.  And I've almost gotten lured into a couple of other BPD interactions.

IN support

T

Hey Tausk... . me too - BPD magnet... .   multiple people in my life, past and present, I now think may have displayed pretty strong BPD traits... .   I must be a willing participant - and sit here and wonder about my own actions that allow me to connect with them.

It was a insanely rough week at work.  Got ripped to shreds because a man got on the same elevator as me.

It was so absurd, that it actually helped me detach from the intense depression I've been going thru... .

Your posts have really been helpful - thank you... .