When to tell child mother had mental health issues

[mother in law]

My gd is now 11 and for the most part is doing reasonably well.  Her mother is BPD and Unfortunately my gd does not feel she cannot tell her mother about any activity she does with her father as it triggers a rage of major proportions in her mother.  It is sad that she has had to learn this and she is now refusing some social engagements in case bet mother finds out and gets angry. The mantra is always that if it's not fair that gd has all the fun with her father even though BPD mother makes little effort to have fun times with her daughter.  My son, father of gd, and gd have decided not to take the therapy road at the moment and I have to say he is very good at talking with gd. My question is whether there's a right time and age to start a conversation with a child about mental health issues.

[itsnotme]

I personally feel the sooner the better. Especially if your gd lives with her. I WISH someone told me years ago about her BPD. I was told in my early 20's by my therapist-THANK GOD! But my life would have been a lot better if I new when I was younger. Helping your gd with this could save her a lifetime of pain, confusion and anger. Keep a very close watch on your gd. Keep the lines of communication open and always be honest. She needs at lease tone person who she can trust no matter what happens. Good luck and protect that little girl. Many of us on this board needed someone like you to save us from our BPD's.

[mother in law]

probably another question is "how do we tell her?".

[Deb]

I think that on the co-parenting board some books were mentioned that had ideas for this. ALso, there may be a child age book about mental health issues. But check the co-parenting board.

[frankief]

This seems like a complicated issue and I second going over to the "raising a child with a BPD parent" boards for advice. While I think it is important to acknowledge that your GD's mother's behavior is not acceptable and inappropriate, I really hesitate at telling her that her mother is mentally ill. Firstly, it might scare your GD that she is doomed to inherit the mental illness (especially if she is young and doesn't really understand what mental illness is). Also, if her mother is attacking her, your GD might lash out by telling her mother that she knows her mother is mentally ill and has BPD which might set off a firestorm that your daughter will not be prepared to handle (as telling people with BPD that they are mentally ill often goes terribly). I know your son and GD have opted against therapy and your son probably is quite good at talking to his daughter about her mother, but a neutral third party will be very valuable to your granddaughter. Even as an adult, I experience moments where I am wracked with guilt re: how I feel about my unBPD father. I have experienced horrible feelings of disloyalty. Seeing a therapist really helps with unpacking all of that without feeling like a bad daughter or bad human. Also, the therapist probably would help your GD to come to realize her mother is mentally ill on her own, not putting you or your son in the difficult position of explaining that to her.

To echo what others have said, it is extremely valuable as a child to hear the your BPD parent's behavior is abnormal and not acceptable but I think you can do that without necessarily getting into explaining mental illness. I think the most important thing is to not brush over poor behavior in an effort to not dwell- I found my uBPD father's behavior often confusing and frightening yet a lot of excuses were made on his behalf which just made me think I was abnormal for being so bothered by his behavior. I would have really appreciated an adult stating that his behavior was wrong and that I had a right to my feelings. But I don't think knowing he was mentally ill at a young age would have really helped me much - it probably would have just scared me.

[mother in law]

thank you for your replies, I agree with the therapist idea but am unable to change minds at the moment but will continue to monitor the situation. I had a gut feeling frankief that it would not be a good idea to introduce the idea of mental illness yet due to all your reasons but needed to have that confirmed. I think the BPD would go completely off the deepend if said to her.