Ever wonder how others view us "nons?"

[CPWUSAF33]

My work is my refuge--I love my job and I get along with everyone at work socially and professionally.

I have confided in a few close friends about my situation; however, it must seem strange to others that I go to the office Christmas parties and other "functions" alone.  On the rare occasion that my uBPD wife is on a high, she has made a couple of appearances.  And as a typical pwBPD, she makes a great impression--she is so sweet and "cute shy" at the same time.  Those I confided in must think, "Maybe it's him, she sure seems normal to me!"  And, the others that don't know of my plight must think, "Wow, how come he usually never brings her to anything?  He's great at work; but, he must be a _____ husband!"

Just a thought... . My mind turns over these things while I'm going on week three of the silent treatment.

Thanks to this place, I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself.  But, to be honest, it's been so long since I've done anything for myself, I think I've forgotten how.  I'm quite serious about that.  I want to enjoy myself; but, I really don't know where to start? 

Anyway, I was wonder what the thoughts of others that are "staying" are on how others view us "nons."  Maybe you're fortunate enough to have a social life outside of work with you spouse or SO, I do not--it is impossible to plan friendships of any meaning around her mood swings.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hergestridge]

This has become quite an issue for me. I've told some of my co-workes that my wife has a serious mental problem. I don't want to tell people, but since I never go to after work and never work extra hours (even when I'd need to) I have to give some kind of explanation.

Of course it's bloody embarrasing when my wife shows up gives a fantastic impression.

People in general doesn't have a clue that there is a mental illness that mostly affects close relations. It sounds like some kind of kind bizarre fabrication to be honest.

[CPWUSAF33]

This has become quite an issue for me. I've told some of my co-workes that my wife has a serious mental problem. I don't want to tell people, but since I never go to after work and never work extra hours (even when I'd need to) I have to give some kind of explanation.

Of course it's bloody embarrasing when my wife shows up gives a fantastic impression.

People in general doesn't have a clue that there is a mental illness that mostly affects close relations. It sounds like some kind of kind bizarre fabrication to be honest.

All I can say to that is--EXACTLY!

[Greenmeadow]

Thanks to this place, I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself.  But, to be honest, it's been so long since I've done anything for myself, I think I've forgotten how.  I'm quite serious about that.  I want to enjoy myself; but, I really don't know where to start? 

I completely understand this. It's so natural to care for your loved one, to want them to be ok and be safe, that to concentrate on yourself can seem impossible. Or at least that's how it is for me.

I am really trying to do things for me recently or take care of me, but then I always feel so guilty... . and like you said where do you start? Is there one thing you really enjoy that's easy to do, even if it's a 30 minute tv programme you enjoy or a book?

As for my work, only the people who need to know, know. But like Hergestridge I don't work extra hours and I don't socialise outside of work, I just can't. It's find that balance between keeping work happy, looking after my dBPD, and trying to to think of myself that I find so hard.

[Hope26]

Hergestridge got it completely right about 'people in general not understanding that it is a mental illness that affects only close relations'.  I have a sister-in-law who is generally very perceptive about people, but has no clue why her brother (my uBPDh) has been married four times.  When a song came on the radio called "All my exes live in Texas", she said to h. "your exes wouldn't fit into Texas".  That presumably included ex gf's as well as spouses.  Yet when I once implied to her that he had a temper, I got a look of absolute shock and disbelief, because he doesn't show that side to his family.  So I know I'll never be able to confide in her, though we can talk about so many other things.  Sometimes I feel guilty sharing on this site, but it does me so much good.  We don't have much of a social life, and there's nobody else I can confide in besides you folks.  The plight of us 'nons' I guess.

[letmeout]

For years I kept the dirty little secret that he was mentally ill and abusive behind closed doors because I was embarrassed about what friends and co-workers would think of me for living under those circumstances. 

I would also cover for him and make excuses when he started acting out in public.

Then I had to explain why I was divorcing him only to find out that most people already knew he had serious issues. They did not know the extent of his illness though and I got tired of trying to explain it. So I would just tell them to go look up BPD on the internet and left it at that.

Finally I didn't care who knew or what they thought of me, because the bottom line was that I needed to get away from him.

[Chosen]

I think if other people really know what happens behind closed doors, they would think we're the crazy ones.  To be honest, my relationship has improved a lot since the last 1.5 years, so much so that now it's mostly "normal", and the mood swings are much less dramatic, although it still happens.  But before that, people would really tell me to run if they knew the truth.  But they don't because I don't go around telling people that. 

I've never really cared how other people view me.  What I care is how my pwBPD (who is my spouse) sees me.  And that's bad because when he paints me black, it's like I'm worthless.  But nowadays I have learnt that I need to have a strong sense of who I am, I can't let other people's views change how I look at myself. 

And anyway, people around him & me all thinks I take care of him well, I'm a good wife.  It's just him who thinks that I'm not.

[Seneca]

totally. when he behaves badly in front of other people, i just want to crawl under a rock. i have had lots of people say "i don't know how you put up with that." it is so embarrassing that people think i am weak, or married to a clod. when i defend or excuse, i just feel like a fool. or, if people only know the goo side of him, i am so uncomfortable with them singing his praises. i don't correct them, but it is hard to smile and go along with it.

[hergestridge]

totally. when he behaves badly in front of other people, i just want to crawl under a rock. i have had lots of people say "i don't know how you put up with that." it is so embarrassing that people think i am weak, or married to a clod. when i defend or excuse, i just feel like a fool. or, if people only know the goo side of him, i am so uncomfortable with them singing his praises. i don't correct them, but it is hard to smile and go along with it.

Ever had your SOs saying "You're ashamed of me, aren't you?". When my wife starts like that I just get overwhelmingly sad and think "I got to get out of this RS now... . ". It's just so hopeless. She knows I'm ashamed of her and I'm quite sure she knows why. But everytime it becomes apparent to her thatI'm ashamed of her she projects this as another of my flaws.

For the first 18 years of our rs I maintained my "cool" and thought that I shouldn't really feel embarrasment on behalf of others, but now I realize that I there is a perfectly good reason why my stomach aches when we're together in a social context. It's perfectly understandable.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Someone told me she felt sorry for me. That sounded sympathetic but it certainly didn't help. Sympathy doesn't last, and after some time it leads to judgement. It's simple but true. If we can't help our self, we can't help our SO, and they certainly can't help us, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

[Theo41]

I Relate to all of this. There are many aspects:

1. Many people have no idea. They only see the angel.

2. Some people have witnessed her abusive behavior under stress and have said " that's wrong, nobody deserves to be treated that way."

3. One or two relatives say. " you are in control, u must get her into therapy. "

4. Our grown Children say: We were severely affected by this. There has to be something that can be done. Why do u let her act like that . We're no going to accept it any more. One of their therapists  says: it's not required to eat poison to be a good son or daughter.

I have felt powerless in the situation because there is nothing I can do about her behavior other than remove myself from it... . which has a good effect usually.

I've decided to stay for a variety of valid reasons. So I have boundries which I am becoming more and more effective in enforcing.  I have learned not to worry about what others think. I know what I believe to be the truth:  that neither she nor I can do much about it. However, by removing myself ( take a nap, walk the dog, take off for several hours) the drama has reduced. I think what's going on is that she finally realizes that I am close to the end of my rope and won't or can't enable her behavior any more. Important note: when I leave I tell her that I will be back and when. I always return on time. This reduces the separation anxiety panic that is so common with this condition. Theo

[montanesa]

Hergestridge got it completely right about 'people in general not understanding that it is a mental illness that affects only close relations'.  I have a sister-in-law who is generally very perceptive about people, but has no clue why her brother (my uBPDh) has been married four times.  When a song came on the radio called "All my exes live in Texas", she said to h. "your exes wouldn't fit into Texas".  That presumably included ex gf's as well as spouses.  Yet when I once implied to her that he had a temper, I got a look of absolute shock and disbelief, because he doesn't show that side to his family.  So I know I'll never be able to confide in her, though we can talk about so many other things.  Sometimes I feel guilty sharing on this site, but it does me so much good.  We don't have much of a social life, and there's nobody else I can confide in besides you folks.  The plight of us 'nons' I guess.

I find uBPDh's family to be completely blind to the subject. "He's a bit more volatile than most." his mom said the other day when he has a huge episode.

[maxen]

For the first 18 years of our rs I maintained my "cool" and thought that I shouldn't really feel embarrasment on behalf of others, but now I realize that I there is a perfectly good reason why my stomach aches when we're together in a social context. It's perfectly understandable.

this is a point that really goes to my situation. i used to observe my stbwx's father, how the appalling behavior of his wife never seemed to attach to him or affect him in the least. i really wanted to emulate that, but the feeling of embarrassment i sometimes got from my w's behavior in public i just couldn't shake. i used to think i had a shortcoming: perhaps if i was truly comfortable in my own skin i wouldn't feel that way? but now i wonder if my wife's father isn't the odd one. not only with his wife but also with his children he seems to have a completely-independent-unit relationship. i attribute my w's BPD to his emotional abdication as much as to her mother's self-centeredness. if you're in a relationship, is there not some sort of identification with another? isn't that what a relationship is?

so thanks for your comment, hergestridge, it's important to me to read that others have been there.

[waverider]

Once you learn to take back more control of your life you stop feeling like, and playing, the victim. You no longer care what other people think,. Once others see that you are not overly affected by it, they stop thinking you are crazy for living with it.

The more you try covering up and make excuses, the more others will feel like you are crazy, because that is the way you are acting. They are only calling it as they see it. We are acting delusion and telling obvious half truths.

Live the truth, tell the truth without feeling like you are JADEing towards others (yes we JADE to everyone not just our pwBPD), you will free yourself of a lot of stress.