Life Crisis Point: Should I tell my wife I think she has BPD?

[michel71]

Hello all. I am rather new here and thank God for this site. I am hoping that you kind folks can weigh in on a problem I am having.

My wife and I dated two years and have been married less than one year. We started off in a long distance relationship (different countries) but got to spend a great deal of time together, both of us flying back and forth with regularity. Yes, fortunate than most, so it wasn't like we didn't really know each other before we tied the knot. Sure there were inklings and nigglings of the storm to come, but I just attributed all of it to the distance, the stress of being apart. I did not think she has a personality disorder, I just thought she was sensitive and needed some TLC. Much like other BPDs, she had a very traumatic and tragic childhood with parental neglect and sexual abuse. She was previously married, had a couple previous dating relationships and then met me. She has two children, both healthy and happy and I would say that although being a bit coddling with the 10 year old girl, she is a good, patient and kind mother. She exhibits no BPD symptoms to them WHATSOEVER.

All her failed relationships, friends and family (sisters) included were the fault of others. They all did her wrong. They all mistreated her and abandoned her. She alienates her co-workers, one by one, each of them as well having done something to her, disappointed her,etc.

She has all the other signs of BPD, and trust me I have studied the hell out of this for months, mostly psychiatric/clinical study. Illnesses that are a mystery. Victim syndrome. Splitting. Blowing things out of proportion. Stonewalling. Staying mad for days. Has to have everything her way and the best of them all... . PROJECTION.

I have given this relationship my literal all... . time, lot's of money and even suffering poor health as a result. It has taken a great emotional and physical toll on me and I feel I have aged decades in 3 short years.

Let me get to the crux of the matter though. Her visa is approved and she and the kids ( whom I love, no problem there) will be moving in with me in about a month.

We have been arguing more and more since the honeymoon and on every visit, several times. Lately we argue almost weekly. We are between visits now, still arguing.

Everything I have read seems to suggest that I should NOT tell my wife that I think she has BPD. IN a way, I feel that maybe I should tell her so that she can decide if even wants to move considering that I have "revealed" the nature of the problem as I see it. A couple of arguments ago, I told her that if she does not agree to couples counseling then I really see no future for our marriage. She fumed and gave me the silent treatment, but at the end of my coventry stay, told me that she would.

I have no illusion that it is going to be better when she moves her; as a matter of fact, I do think it will be worse for awhile, especially do to the adjustment and all. Nevertheless, I think us getting help (and maybe her agreeing to get individual counseling eventually) will give us a chance.

I am at my wits end and petrified about her moving here, but I can't go on financially supporting her anymore over there where the exchange rate is a killer. I live in the US. She lives in the UK. She does have a profession ( is a nurse) but makes jack s%^t and has to pay crazy high child care costs, etc. etc. etc. and of course lives beyond her means like most BPDs do, thanks to the help of a rescuer in love, like me!

Please help! Thanks!

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[michel71]

One more clarification... . I am petrified about her moving here because she might not get better and it won't work out. I am worried that she will have unrealistic demands and make my life voiceless. She is a master manipulator and has a way of breaking me down. She was my princess and I was her knight in shining armour. We once thought that our love was like nothing that we had ever felt before, that we were perfect for each other. The passion, romance was intense. Our lovemaking is still that way but the way we deal with each other on the day to day, my increasing feeling of being unloved, abused and taken for granted is taking center stage.

[maxsterling]

I think most pwBPD would take someone else "diagnosing" them as a severe insult, and that is why you should not suggest they have it.  Instead I think it would be best to just guide them into the hands of a trained professional, and let the professional make that determination. 

From my experience and understanding, pwBPD have a low self image.  They hate themselves.  They are embarrassed by their behavior, and on some level know they have something wrong.  But, they first look externally, and view their issue as mere depression, anxiety, or stress caused by external forces.  Because of their already low self image, it's difficult for them to evaluate themselves as the problem, because that paints them black and it makes them feel like a lost cause.  To them, things and people are either good or bad, and they certainly don't want to be "bad".  I know that my girlfriend goes bananas if anyone or anything suggests the problem is entirely or even partly hers, even though at times she tells me she knows there are serious problems with her brain. 

If you tell your wife you think she has this serious problem like BPD, she will think you are blaming her for everything, rage, paint you black, call you a bunch of nasty stuff, probably give you silent treatment, accuse you of being abusive or controlling, and never forgive you and bring it up over and over again. 

I know you are married - but this is serious.  If she comes to the USA, that might make it that much harder to end things.  My GF is an American but was living abroad when I met her.  And she came back to the USA to live with me, then the BPD showed up, and now she is in my city where she has nobody else and hasn't made new friends or a life of her own.  For her, ending things wouldn't just be about ending the relationship, it would require her finding a new place or city to live, an income, new friends to lean on emotionally.  I hope that the situation isn't the same for you.  Suppose your wife comes to live with you, and it gets worse.  At that point, you feel like you are dying inside, but it's hard to tell her to leave with her kids because you would be putting them out on their own, in a country they don't know, without family or friends to lean on.  So, you put up with it and try and make the most, meanwhile you are miserable and wish you had your freedom back. 

[michel71]

Thank you Max. I see your point and am going to take your good advice about not confronting her with my "diagnosis". You are exactly right at what she would likely do. Do you know her ? LOL.

As for her moving, we both feel the stress of it. She is worried that she will have to be depending totally on me for awhile until she gets her nurse license and a job. I don't see a real delay in that. She is quite competent in her field, has a fantastic work ethic and wants to succeed. However, as much as I see her concern, it takes more money now for me to partially support her than it would to fully support her. So I see the financial stress as lower for me, but my stress is coming from the day to day association with her and her BPD.

That being said, if things did not work out, she would be in a place that is "foreign" to her but its not like she doesn't speak English and she will have the profession and resources to support her and her kids making 3-4 times as much as she does in the UK, have so many more options and opportunities and choices. IN every way her life would be better in the US as I see it. She has no family or associations in the UK, same with the kids.

[lemon flower]

that's a tough situation  , if you want to stay married with her there is no other solution than to let her live with you in the US I suppose... . however ?

if the idea of her living with you and spending your life together really frightens you, you might consider a divorce before she moves!

what does she wants herself the most? staying in the UK or moving to the US ? if moving scares her, you're in serious trouble, because when she will feel unhappy there she will always blame you that YOU made her leave "everything behind"... .

she will need a solid internal motivation, and external support as well, because abandoning her life and job will be very stressy, I'm sure you're aware of that, ofcourse, and she's aware of it too...

I don't know how much you' have to give up but isn't there any possibility of you goin' to England and live in her place for a while?

it might be easier for you to leave things behind if it really isn't working out after trying than it will be for her... . ( it can prevent a situation like the case of maxsterling and his girlfriend!)

if you try the marriage counselling, do it before she comes to live with you, in that way the therapist can work preventive on preparing you two on this very important step you're both goin ' to risk... . and who knows maybe that therapist can inform her about the disorder ? in a subtle way without really mentioning the BPD-diagnosis ?

I wish you a very good therapist to start with, and maybe also talk to a counsellor for some financial advise ?

[lemon flower]

ok, I just read your first post now... . I see everything is probably allready arranged for her to come to the US... . but I hope at least if it isn't working out, she can return if she wishes ?

[rj47]

Two things I would like to comment on.

Diagnosing her. Never never never! Find a way for her to figure it out for herself. I was to be handed a post-it note three years ago by a crisis counselor with "Stop Walking on Eggshells" written on it. They had spent about two hours talking in the hospital after a suicide attempt. Said she could not offer advice, but it might help me make sense of things. I bought the book, read it, kept it hidden. I had never heard of BPD. She found it a year ago and filled it with hundreds of written notes and commentary in the margins on why its not her, and why the things she does are solely out of my behavior. She avoids discussion about it, but will occasionally attack me for thinking I know how to diagnose a PD. 18-months ago a marital therapist gave up with us after five sessions, called me a week later, suggested I get into therapy with an associate. When I finally asked if he thought BPD was a possibility, his response was "absolutely she has it".

Moving her.  I moved the family for a job from the large city where we grew up 15-years ago. Two years later she was unhappy here. So, I interviewed and was offered a position in the area where we were from. When I said lets go home she said she could not do it, did not want to go backwards, and could never live there again. For another five years she also refused to even visit because of terrible relations with her family. When I left my job after seven years here, I offered to  move her almost anywhere in the US but was ready to move back home. She said anywhere was fine, except where we grew up. I was offered positions in four different major metro area. She picked the southeast US close to my family. Six months after moving there she was unhappy. Offering again to move her back to our hometown, she said she never wanted to go to or live there again. We moved back here.

For about the past five years she has been heaping regular verbal abuse on me for destroying her life by taking her from family and moving her cross country. Its one of the most recycled accusations she uses on me. Each time I bring up her refusals to relocate (and terrible relations with family - they prefer not speak to her) she says she denied her needs knowing I never wanted to leave. Its too late; I destroyed her life. Huh? The accusations are near constant with almost every episode. Reality does not matter.

Moving your wife here may be the best thing she could ever do; but, its likely to become one of the more vicious tools of attack she has in your future.

[an0ught]

Hi michel71,

telling your wife is generally not a good idea. Especially considering how volatile your situation is at the moment - do you need to add another crisis? Your plate is full to say the least  .

Everything I have read seems to suggest that I should NOT tell my wife that I think she has BPD. IN a way, I feel that maybe I should tell her so that she can decide if even wants to move considering that I have "revealed" the nature of the problem as I see it. A couple of arguments ago, I told her that if she does not agree to couples counseling then I really see no future for our marriage. She fumed and gave me the silent treatment, but at the end of my coventry stay, told me that she would.

This is a good start. Although couple counseling won't help much as it is very problem solving oriented. And dealing with problems is the problem with pwBPD. But it is a start and maybe it leads to further therapy.

Now that you are moving together, uncertainty and distance vanishes a lot of related stress goes away. Being closer also means a lot of boundaries fall wayside. And there is the risk.

You are already at your limits wrt. stress and wrt. to your finances and possibly other aspects. Having the right boundaries is important for the stability of your relationship. Having them in place from day 1 is a lot easier than to do an uphill battle once you slipped down. So maybe spend a few moments thinking about

- What are your values. Stuff you strongly believe it and will stand up for.

- What are related boundaries?

- How do you protect these boundaries?

   - How do you communicate when boundaries are under pressure or overstepped.

   - What price are you willing to pay when she just does not get it.

Check out this workshop: BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

At the moment you are under a lot of pressure and are afraid of the upcoming change. This is understandable. Having boundaries in place can help you feeling more save. Boundaries also help her to see more clearly what is hers and support her emotional regulation.

[SweetCharlotte]

Personally, although I knew of the inadvisability of divulging my "diagnosis" of my husband's BPD, I could not keep it to myself. My H not only will not accept that he has it, he will not seek mental health help of any kind. It is essential to his coping mechanisms that he believe in his ironclad sanity. Everyone else (especially me) is out of touch with reality. He probably has more than a streak of NPD because he is high-functioning and it is ultra-important for him to "maintain the façade."

We had some especially rocky times when I divulged to him and went on a campaign to convince him. We almost divorced several times; he stone-walled me for days at a time. We got past it and now he brings it up as a joke sometimes: "What was that disorder you think I have?" We have basically agreed to disagree. I did some work on myself and got into therapy so that I could stay with the r/s. So, prepare yourself for a rocky road if you divulge.

[elemental]

Don't tell her.

Use the lessons you learn here to redirect her. I was reading around on the site lessons and such and basically until she feels you are on her side, and she trusts that, you won't have a lot of success.

What is the point of telling her anway? You don't have the quaifications to diagnose her and she will certainly think that very thought. Probably she will just see it as an attempt on your part to blame shift and come off as the good guy while you are forcing her to be the bad guy.

Not an effective action if you actually want to have a relationship that is about building something up instead of polarizations that divide partners into enemy camps.

[OldnTired]

Couples counselling made things worse for me and my uBPDSO. They try to bring you together by solving problems. Every session made him more and more angry. I was being conciliatory and he was blaming me for everything.

The only sign of hope I found there was in one session when she was asking about childhood experiences. He has issues about his father being very critical of him and about how his mother reacted to that. The councillor asked him if he felt his mother was weak and he broke down and cried. I thought that would be the start of some proper analysis but by the next session we were back to the problem solving again.

We went around in circles for six sessions and then the councillor admitted that she felt she was unable to help us. She was totally lost and actually asked us what we wanted her to do.