Contacted by a mutual friend on Facebook.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

^^   That's validating for you, and has helped speed up your detachment. Many of us didn't have that. So many extra questions and pains when you don't. Sometimes friends don't want to interfere. If they even see what's really going on.

Yeah that's true, not everyone has third party feedback to use.  Ironman did get some from people who know her, and I'm trying to encourage his detachment by suggesting he use it.

[fromheeltoheal]

^^   That's validating for you, and has helped speed up your detachment. Many of us didn't have that. So many extra questions and pains when you don't. Sometimes friends don't want to interfere. If they even see what's really going on.

Yeah that's true, not everyone has third party feedback to use.  Ironman did get some from people who know her, and I'm trying to encourage his detachment by suggesting he use it.

[Ironmanrises]

^^   That's validating for you, and has helped speed up your detachment. Many of us didn't have that. So many extra questions and pains when you don't. Sometimes friends don't want to interfere. If they even see what's really going on.

+1 people will stay out of it, but usually if they were there friends before they will be their friends after the rs.

And by doing that, they condemn us in the process. Basically as if to tell the pwBPD, "Sure, You and him/her broke up again? Treat that person like sh¥t... . no worries, you and I are still best friends. I got you." That is what that feels like. I just feel like my exUBPDgf closest friend has witnessed this f¥cking behavior before and is literally telling her "it doesn't matter, we are still friends in the end." Apologies for my vulgarity. I'm really ticked off at envisioning my ex painting this picture of herself as Miss wonderful and wholesome. How dare she?

[myself]

"it doesn't matter, we are still friends in the end."

I'm really ticked off at envisioning my ex painting this picture of herself as Miss wonderful and wholesome.

People wearing masks to deal with/avoid other people wearing masks.

[maxen]

ironman i share your anger entirely. i can scarcely bring myself to give the details of how these people facilitated (not too strong a word) the explosion of my marriage, because my fingers will slam through the keyboard. i can certainly identify two with whom she discussed her plans, one of them a friend of hers and acquaintance of mine of decades' standing - the maid of honor at our wedding - who has seen my w's entire adult life and knows her patterns. i will never cease to be enraged by this.

And by doing that, they condemn us in the process. Basically as if to tell the pwBPD, "Sure, You and him/her broke up again? Treat that person like sh¥t... . no worries, you and I are still best friends. I got you." That is what that feels like. I just feel like my exUBPDgf closest friend has witnessed this f¥cking behavior before and is literally telling her "it doesn't matter, we are still friends in the end."

[Murbay]

I'm really ticked off at envisioning my ex painting this picture of herself as Miss wonderful and wholesome. How dare she?

Ironmanfalls, why not look at this from another direction. You can't polish a turd (though according to mythbusters you can).

She can paint all she wants, but you know the truth, she knows the truth and because of her condition she cannot hide behind the mask for very long. Take a look at these boards, whether it's people like us who are detaching, people who are unsure whether to stay or even those who are in a r/s with their pwBPD. Look at the family members, not just relationship partners, who have suffered as a result of parents, grandparents and children suffering the same condition.

The sad truth is they cannot hide from it.

When I split from exBPDw, I was really concerned at the picture she painted of me and how she made herself look out of this. It did hurt, I was angry and upset but then it dawned on me. To everybody that she was spreading her BS to that I knew, I had always been myself and had no reason to be anybody different. She was the one wearing the mask and it would only be a matter of time before they saw through it.

I even got emails from her friends and acquaintances to say they were sorry how things turned out and hoped that I was ok. These were people who knew her more than they knew me. They just seemed to tolerate her but knew what she was like. I do feel your anger and frustration when these people have seen it so many times before and stand by them.

I've seen the same thing recently with exBPDgf and her kids. I can't imagine what it is like for them not to be able to have a bit of normality and stability in their lives. Each time a new guy comes in and they start to attached, their world gets turned upside down too. Her son begged her "not to screw things up again" her daughter pleaded with her from the start "to try and make things work this time" and yet the same pattern occurs. It has to affect them too watching their mother self destruct every 6 or so months but at the end of the day, it is their mother and she has more of an attachment to them than anybody else who comes along. It's the same with friends too, they tolerate the behaviour but it doesn't mean they don't like it or agree with it. However, that issue is theirs to deal with.

[Ironmanrises]

The whole disconnect that is still present in hearing how she is portraying herself means I really need to further have radical acceptance. Of course I want to know the "why" she is trying so hard to present such a good/nice person image of herself, and me trying to decipher that is leading back into the blast zone I have tried to distance myself from all these months. My brain hurts from all of this.

[fromheeltoheal]

The whole disconnect that is still present in hearing how she is portraying herself means I really need to further have radical acceptance. Of course I want to know the "why" she is trying so hard to present such a good/nice person image of herself, and me trying to decipher that is leading back into the blast zone I have tried to distance myself from all these months. My brain hurts from all of this.

A better focus might be it doesn't matter what she does or why; its about you and only you.

[Ironmanrises]

The whole disconnect that is still present in hearing how she is portraying herself means I really need to further have radical acceptance. Of course I want to know the "why" she is trying so hard to present such a good/nice person image of herself, and me trying to decipher that is leading back into the blast zone I have tried to distance myself from all these months. My brain hurts from all of this.

A better focus might be it doesn't matter what she does or why; its about you and only you.

Just rereading what I wrote shows my chaotic thoughts. Thanks Fromheel. I've been doing better overall, a bump in the road is what this is.

[fromheeltoheal]

The whole disconnect that is still present in hearing how she is portraying herself means I really need to further have radical acceptance. Of course I want to know the "why" she is trying so hard to present such a good/nice person image of herself, and me trying to decipher that is leading back into the blast zone I have tried to distance myself from all these months. My brain hurts from all of this.

A better focus might be it doesn't matter what she does or why; its about you and only you.

Just rereading what I wrote shows my chaotic thoughts. Thanks Fromheel. I've been doing better overall, a bump in the road is what this is.

Yeah I figured.  First new info you've had on her in a while.  Hang in there man.

[Perfidy]

Ironman, someone that truly is a good person doesn't tell the world that. The world would already know. Social media creates a whole new level to mess with minds. Wasn't too long ago breakups weren't complicated by technology. As a matter of fact, I've been using that technology to better my self. I guess for every silver lining there is a dark cloud.

[Ironmanrises]

She was portraying similar things on her social media right before she re engaged me for round 2. I saw it after I had let her back in. Same "good/nice person" image. Now that I heard that from someone else(unsolicited), it shows a pattern. A loop.

[Moonie75]

That's because that's exactly what they live, "a pattern. A loop"!

[Ironmanrises]

That's because that's exactly what they live, "a pattern. A loop"!

A re-engagement could/may/possibly/very well be in the works since this has happened before. I don't want to stick my head in the sand and think, "Since its been so many months of NC that I am clear of this." It is always deadly quiet before the storm hits. And she has brought that hurricane into my garden as is.