Some Drama/Update

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This past December was difficult for me. After no contact for three months after the break-up except for one or two snarky comments that I posted on his blog (that he probably knew were from me, as they never got approved)... . I started breaking No Contact as the holidays approached (though HE seemed to stick to it).

I sent a poem at the beginning of the month that was pretty condemnatory (if he understood the symbolism, which I assume he did). Then I did another snarky blog comment when he did a post that CLEARLY was basically admitting BPD tendencies (and yet not seeing it, apparently). Well, it was bad timing as apparently his grandpa died the next morning. But I saw him visiting my blog every so often in December and lingering there (he had avoided visiting since August, apparently). So I felt "Maybe things are melting/thawing again." I sent him a text using an anonymous texter thing online and he texted back just "I'm sorry." And then finally I sent him a long "nice" email about how much I still love him and how great he is etc etc (it was a mistake, I know, but it was New Years and I was getting nostalgic).

Didn't hear anything back, though he was still checking my blog a lot. Then about a week ago, something else happened: I heard from his ex from five years ago. Apparently when I was drunk one night in October I sent a message out to him. Never heard back... . until January. He messages me finally ready to vent/talk, I guess. Basically, he confirmed everything about my ex's BPD flakey awful problems with intimacy and commitment and attachment. It was soo validating.

But at that point I was feeling so vindictive and self-righteous that I made the decision (maybe a mistake?) to forward screen-shots of my conversation with the other ex to our ex and basically say, "Look! Everyone sees it! It's not just me! Please please please get help!"

Well, he sent back a very brief email about how much contacting the ex and showing him the conversation had "hurt" him and how I was always cruel like that etc etc. I sent back a thing saying, "Um, no, I just want you to SEE. You just sort of avoid addressing these patterns that everyone sees. Like you're in denial" and explaining that, basically, I was at a point where my goalposts had changed and any future reconciliation would have to depend on him seeing a therapist.

Then I get an email from the replacement. I only got an email like that once before (it was a love triangle, back and forth). This time it was (oddly) just a pic of a Japanese girl giving "the finger." I forwarded this to my ex with a sort of mean message about how pathetic this was. He texted me saying he had nothing to do with it, the replacement made that decision after being told about how I had contacted the ex (implying that maybe forwarding the conversation did cause some "waves" in the new relationship too?)

My ex finally texted me saying that "You know, I HAD intended to respond to that nice email you sent... . " As if to imply, "Maybe I was thinking about reconciling after that, but you blew it by talking to my old ex." Psh. I spoke with some friends about this later and they all thought it was very strange that he would make a point of telling me that he had been planning to respond to the nice email (how could he have responded? Either by saying he was with the replacement and breaking my heart again, or by trying to reconcile ambivalently like in the old days... . he was always trying to get back to the old status quo). And besides (as usual for him) he was apparently procrastinating weeks on responding anyway, so too bad for him.

Anyway, I'm back to NC as, if there was any thawing in December, the ex-contact thing seems to have me painted thoroughly black again. But I just don't care anymore. It was necessary to "move the goalposts." Otherwise I would have just been suckered back into an ambivalent uncommitted situation when really he needs to get help.

[UmbrellaBoy]

This past December was difficult for me. After no contact for three months after the break-up except for one or two snarky comments that I posted on his blog (that he probably knew were from me, as they never got approved)... . I started breaking No Contact as the holidays approached (though HE seemed to stick to it).

I sent a poem at the beginning of the month that was pretty condemnatory (if he understood the symbolism, which I assume he did). Then I did another snarky blog comment when he did a post that CLEARLY was basically admitting BPD tendencies (and yet not seeing it, apparently). Well, it was bad timing as apparently his grandpa died the next morning. But I saw him visiting my blog every so often in December and lingering there (he had avoided visiting since August, apparently). So I felt "Maybe things are melting/thawing again." I sent him a text using an anonymous texter thing online and he texted back just "I'm sorry." And then finally I sent him a long "nice" email about how much I still love him and how great he is etc etc (it was a mistake, I know, but it was New Years and I was getting nostalgic).

Didn't hear anything back, though he was still checking my blog a lot. Then about a week ago, something else happened: I heard from his ex from five years ago. Apparently when I was drunk one night in October I sent a message out to him. Never heard back... . until January. He messages me finally ready to vent/talk, I guess. Basically, he confirmed everything about my ex's BPD flakey awful problems with intimacy and commitment and attachment. It was soo validating.

But at that point I was feeling so vindictive and self-righteous that I made the decision (maybe a mistake?) to forward screen-shots of my conversation with the other ex to our ex and basically say, "Look! Everyone sees it! It's not just me! Please please please get help!"

Well, he sent back a very brief email about how much contacting the ex and showing him the conversation had "hurt" him and how I was always cruel like that etc etc. I sent back a thing saying, "Um, no, I just want you to SEE. You just sort of avoid addressing these patterns that everyone sees. Like you're in denial" and explaining that, basically, I was at a point where my goalposts had changed and any future reconciliation would have to depend on him seeing a therapist.

Then I get an email from the replacement. I only got an email like that once before (it was a love triangle, back and forth). This time it was (oddly) just a pic of a Japanese girl giving "the finger." I forwarded this to my ex with a sort of mean message about how pathetic this was. He texted me saying he had nothing to do with it, the replacement made that decision after being told about how I had contacted the ex (implying that maybe forwarding the conversation did cause some "waves" in the new relationship too?)

My ex finally texted me saying that "You know, I HAD intended to respond to that nice email you sent... . " As if to imply, "Maybe I was thinking about reconciling after that, but you blew it by talking to my old ex." Psh. I spoke with some friends about this later and they all thought it was very strange that he would make a point of telling me that he had been planning to respond to the nice email (how could he have responded? Either by saying he was with the replacement and breaking my heart again, or by trying to reconcile ambivalently like in the old days... . he was always trying to get back to the old status quo). And besides (as usual for him) he was apparently procrastinating weeks on responding anyway, so too bad for him.

Anyway, I'm back to NC as, if there was any thawing in December, the ex-contact thing seems to have me painted thoroughly black again. But I just don't care anymore. It was necessary to "move the goalposts." Otherwise I would have just been suckered back into an ambivalent uncommitted situation when really he needs to get help.