Should I get CPS involved? (Ohio)

[justaboutdone]

I have made up my mind and staying in this marriage is wrong for our twins, age 6.  At first I wanted to stretch it out to protect the kids but everyday I see more and more damage to them from her behavior.  The kids get angry more and more frequently for no reason and their behavior mirrors what my wife does.  Slamming doors, screaming, yelling, bullying, throwing things, swearing, locking themselves in the bedroom, and basically acting exactly like her.  It almost brings me to tears to see the kids acting like this.  I discipline them about the behavior but how do I correct this behavior?  Tell them not to act like their mother?  My in-laws were in town recently and fixed some damage from her.  They never said anything about fixing it.  But I know that they know now and I didn't say anything to them about what was going on because my father-in law dad has BPD and is still married.  In fact, after my in-laws left I said something to the kids about their mom yelling.  Both of my kids constantly complain about their mom yelling, but this time they told me that mom doesn't yell.  She never yells.  What the heck to my in-laws say to my kids?  Don't tell anyone your mommy yells or rages?  I am extremely disappointed in myself that I don't take a stand and do something about it by getting the kids out of there!  I am seeing two psychologists, talking to a lawyer, and talking to our family practitioner regularly.  I tell them what is going on and they all agree this is very bad for the kids but I need to be the one to take action.  Except I can't bring myself to face the consequences of her rage when I do it.  And of course there will be the he said/she said and I'm sure she will be very convincing that her behavior was justifiable.  She has never been diagnosed BPD but my first therapist suggested it to me.  I then went online and found websites like this one and hearing everyone describe their BPD spouse seems like you are all living my life.  So what is wrong with me that I don't save my kids from this?  I honestly wish their kindergarden teacher would one day approach me and tell me that the kids are telling them xyz or acting xyz and that I would not have to be the one to initiate the investigation.  That maybe the teacher is gonna call CPS.  Except their behavior is very good and normal in school.  Will their be an investigation?  When I talk to my lawyer who has never heard of BPD, he told me that while I am at work they can drop off divorce papers and issue a restraining order.  This coming from a very good lawyer in the area.  I think that plan is not gonna work! In another thread someone mentioned children will become BPD  from trauma in their childhood.  Is being raised by a mother with BPD likely to lead to my children becoming BPD? How do I stop this?  Should I call CPS?

[catnap]

Would the RO include the children? 

[justaboutdone]

Would the RO include the children? 

Sorry, what is RO?

[ForeverDad]

Restraining order, usually limiting contact, also known in some areas as a protection order and even other other legal names.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is highly recommended when dealing with parental alienation.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger is excellent for the legal issues and common traps we face and common blunders we can make.

If your lawyer isn't familiar with the BPD name, is he experienced with very high conflict cases?  My lawyer didn't know about BPD, but he has used phrases like crazy, sociopath, etc.  Still, I'm sure even he wasn't prepared for the years-long ordeal ahead.  He estimated a divorce with children at 7-9 months.  It lasted nearly 24 months.  That was just to get to the final decree.  Having an order in hand didn't stop the chaos, obstruction and blame-shifting.  In cases like ours it's often a marathon, not a sprint.  Don't be lulled to think you can relax and choose a slow pace, you need the very, very best temporary order from the very start.  My lawyer said after the temp order, ":)on't worry, we'll fix all the rest later."  Guess what.  Despite new information coming before the court at every appearance, the temp order was never adjusted and lasted until the final decree.

If your lawyer doesn't have a good strategy to be proactive rather than defensive and reactive, ask him who he would entrust his divorce to if his own marriage was like yours.  There's nothing wrong about changing lawyers early in the case.  Lawyers often think a lot of themselves, but they also know that they won't get or keep all cases that walk in the door, that would be unrealistic.  Don't feel bad if you need to get someone who can handle cases like yours, ours and the ones described in Splitting.

[ogopogodude]

Get CPS involved IMMEDIATELY... . !  But have a game plan. First, ... . meet with them and get an agent of CPS that is very familiar with BPD. Remember, ... . you are interviewing them as much as they are you... .

Repeat: get an agent that knows BPD and who believes YOU and your story. Ask for a game plan. Tell them that you want to substantiate your story by perhaps getting video tape etc... .

In my situation, I waited too long. But I finally got them involved.