I love you, please leave me

[A Dad]

Today my wife moved out of our home.

Back story - affair, devaluation after ending the affair on discovery, asked for separation after a few months when for the first time I really let her know how much she had hurt me, then a brief period of idealisation again after I had detached and agreed for separation. In the end, said didn't want to go. I didn't budge and we agreed for a 'trial' separation although in my mind I was pretty certain that this is the end.

So here I was... up until 12.30 trying to get my four year old autistic son to sleep. Thankfully our two year old is the easiest baby to look after and was sound asleep. And she is out having drinks with her new best friend - the babysitter who has been helping us out the past few weeks.

Just before she left, I asked her to give back the keys to the apartment. She broke down a little at that. Called later to say that she wants a set of keys and was planning to give me a copy of her keys.

I thought I would be happy... I had been waiting for this day for weeks. Turned out I just felt sad... and later on a little angry. The new place she has found is a shared accommodation, so she had got me to agree that she will come to my place three times a week to spend time with the children. I thought that would be ok at least until she has own apartment and I could just go out and do something on those days. And this arrangement would be easier on the kids.

But now I am feeling angry, maybe all the anger that I had kept a lid on the past few months is coming out. I am asking why I am letting this person who lied to me and betrayed my trust into my home. Her presence causes me pain and distress. If we didn't have children together, I will never want to set eyes on her again. Why should I take on more pain? Not sure what I am going to do at this point... .

Thanks for listening.

[Dog biscuit]

It must be really hard having children with someone you cant trust... .


I thought I would be happy... I had been waiting for this day for weeks. Turned out I just felt sad... and later on a little angry

Give yourself some space and time to proces all of the emotions that are stirred up now, it looks completely sane to me, to be angry, and sad about this whole ordeal.

I love the title of your topic!

[santa]

It's certainly going to be odd with her coming to your place 3 days a week. I know it'll probably mess with your emotions quite a bit. The possibility of a recycle will definitely come into play. I wasn't able to really detach until I went no contact. Hopefully it will be temporary and she'll move somewhere more adequate for visitation quickly.

[heartandwhole]

Adad,

I think it's very understandable to feel angry and sad right now.  This is a big change for you, and I'm sure many other feelings will be flowing through you in the weeks and months to come.  I'm glad you wrote about it, it's good to let it out. 

I can understand your reluctance to the 3 day a week visits.  Do you mean that she will be staying at your place (sleeping there) for 3 days a week, or just coming over for awhile? 

Hang in there, it's such a challenge when you have children together.  You might check in with the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody  too, where members have had lots of experience with this.

[Changingman]

And she is out having drinks with her new best friend -

the babysitter who has been helping us out the past few weeks.


Just amazing, 'friends' ha

Is there a possibility she will go when you are not there and search you home for clues etc? Isn't this already keeping you as a recycle/object. Boundaries already broken?

Keys to your space? Isn't that the danger from the beginning with BPD.

If you start to see anyone else even a friend (real or perceived ) won't you get severe punishment?

Boundaries for you!

[A Dad]

Thanks guys for your replies.

Slept late, kept waking up at night. Luckily my boys slept through the night and I woke up the same time as them. In the morning, the things were back to normal. I already look after them in the mornings since my wife used to leave for work while they are still sleeping so it was no different than any other day. The day went good and I am feeling much more 'normal' tonight.

CM: She probably will, but I have nothing to hide. I don't plan on dating or getting into a relationship until the divorce is done. By that time, she should have her own place to keep the kids on her days. I will be locking the bedroom with my computer, documents and other personal stuff. And no I won't give her the keys to the apartment.

HaW: No sleeping overnight, thank god! That would defeat the entire purpose of separation. She will be visiting for a couple of hours during the week to feed the kids, give them a bath and put the younger one in bed. And then I take over. The third day is on the weekend and that is going to be tricky. I will be going for my martial arts class in the morning, so I have no problem with her being there then. I had thought that I could go spend the rest of the day in her place until she is ready to switch, but I don't feel like doing that anymore so will have to think of some other arrangement.

One thing I have realized over the last week is that making any contact with her only causes me distress. But at the moment the only other option is that she takes the kids to her shared accommodation and I don't want to put them through that. So I will just have to establish strong boundaries and put up with this for a while. By the time divorce goes through (which might take a while) I will ask her to get a more suitable accommodation.

One day at a time

[A Dad]

Day 3 of my new life.

Yesterday (Sunday) went ok. I had a babysitter come in to take my boys out to play during the day while I cleaned up the house a bit and had a bit of time for myself. My stbxw came for her visit in the evening... . teared up a bit as I was trying to get our two year old to greet her by saying "hello momma", "I love/missed you momma". I did not engage for the rest of the evening, stayed in my bedroom. Gave her a hug just before she left since she was looking so lost and hurting.

The night was a bit rough. Both of my boys kept waking up... didn't get much rest. No biggie... a walk in the park compared to waking up every two hours to check the clock wondering when my wife is coming back after her night out with colleagues (which turned out to be more than that as I later found out).

Today was good... rested a bit, fixed a couple of things around the house. My wife was apparently sick. She didn't call or message me, only told me by email in response to one of my emails about a practical matter. Either she is really respecting my boundaries or she is getting attention elsewhere... either the guy she was having the affair with, or maybe the babysitter, her new best friend.

Evening went great... the babysitter (who comes in to help me) cancelled... I brought my boys back home a bit later than usual. Had the little one talk to his mom on the phone because she was sick. Gave them dinner. Had my dinner (and beer) in the bathroom while they bathed. The little one slept straight away after the bath. The 4 year old who is autistic slept before 10. Which is probably the earliest he has slept in a long time. Just two months ago he was often sleeping after 12. It helped that he didn't sleep in the later afternoon as he sometimes does, but while my wife was here, this would have been nearly impossible. It is so freeing to just spend time with him, waiting for him to sleep without worrying about a wife who is waiting to watch a show or movie with me, or just waiting...

Still early... could watch a movie now, but instead I am going to go read some of the old 2010's posts and then go straight to bed.

Thanks for listening and being there. Good night, BPD Family.

[seeking balance]

Still early... could watch a movie now, but instead I am going to go read some of the old 2010's posts and then go straight to bed.

I can remember that same routine of reading 2010 posts before bed.  The information gave me comfort, so I could process the grief.

You are creating a new normal A Dad - it may be sad and hard at times, but it really will get easier.

Sleep well.

Peace,

SB

[A Dad]

Still early... could watch a movie now, but instead I am going to go read some of the old 2010's posts and then go straight to bed.

I can remember that same routine of reading 2010 posts before bed.  The information gave me comfort, so I could process the grief.

Thank you SB. Yeah I am an analytical, rational person. 2010's posts made it clear to me that no matter what, if I restart a relationship with my wife, I will end up as the "abuser" in her mind and she will hate me. So even putting aside the hurt caused by her cheating, there was no point to trying it again with her. 

[A Dad]

Day 4 of my new life (I am starting to lose the count I think ) :

Today I had a talk with my wife and told her that our trial separation was final. I told her that I was sad for the first day and after that a lot of anger has been coming out, which I probably had suppressed in the last few months. And I can't do this anymore i.e. spending time with her for the couples night and family time.

It went ok. I gave her the new schedule where she comes to visit the kids on Tue and Thu while I go out. A babysitter will be helping us so we don't have to see each other. Saturday is supposed to be her full day with them, we are yet to decide how that should go.

She accepted it in relative calm. Did tell me that "It wasn't all her fault" and "You should have appreciated me more" etc. I did not argue anything, I know the poor thing is hurting. Then I took her for grocery shopping as I had promised the previous day... stayed in my car and let her do it. Dropped her back at her place... went away for a while to let her visit the children who were with the babysitter.

All in all I feel calm and relaxed. Had a couple of beers after putting my eldest in bed, and ready for bed now myself.

Again thank you bpdfamily. I truly could't have done this without this site and the amazing bunch of people here.

[ogopogodude]

Stay strong and healthy not just for your own sake but for your boy's sake. YOU are all they have... .

I will repeat that: YOU are all they have. You are their angel here down on this little planet earth.

Guide them, Feed them, nourish them... . cleanse them, ... . and never say anything bad about their mom. (They will figure that out in due time).

These forums and this website has been so helpful to me... . (when I am more financially stable I intend to donate to this site as it is just the best).

[A Dad]

Just an update to finish this thread off.

This is nearly 6 weeks since she moved out. I am happy with the way things are going so far. Big improvements in the sleeping schedule for my older son and both boys are doing great. I am spending a ton of money on baby sitters, both so that they have emotionally stable people to interact with on a daily basis and also so I can work on myself and not get overwhelmed. As I get more stable, I will start diverting that money to therapy for my older son.

I have started individual therapy and I am learning to feel and express my emotions. Around three weeks after moving out, my stbxw had her "friend" over at her place. That disturbed me for 2-3 days, and then I had a new normal.

I have moments when I miss her and wish she were back, but they pass. I am keeping tabs on hers. I know that is not healthy for me, but I think I will keep doing it until the divorce is done. Any information might turn out to be critical. She has started painting me black to family and friends - I am drinking more and more, I may take the kids away from her, blah blah. That and her getting back together with her affair partner have only validated that I made the right choice, and knowing what is going through her head keeps me rooted in reality that I am better off now without her.

I still feel sorry for her from time to time. Like on days when she is on sick leave and alone, probably missing the kids. But when I see her, I slam the walls down hard. At the same time, I am trying to make sure that I stay open to other people and not start closing my heart up. I find that I am much more open to other people than a year ago. I have always been a very private person. This new found capacity to share what I am feeling with others has been a gift of this break-up.

Now just keeping my fingers crossed that the divorce is done without any problems and we can move on in peace.