If I ever pick up...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

another drink.  It will definately NOT be a chocolate martini.

Worked tonight.  Busy behind the bar.  I got a text from Sis and there was a pic of my ex and a friend at a pretty exclusive high end party in our city.  I know she was there with my replacement and I so many thoughts raced through my mind at once.

She slept at my replacement's house last night. It was our son's 8th b day yesterday.  She went out with my replacement tonight and has refused me or my family any rights to see my son on his birthday weekend.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS?  Seriously? What kind of mother denies her son access to his father? 

I even felt a little regret in looking at that picture.  I have been going back and forth lately about maybe I was the problem in the RS.  That 14 years of dealing with someone like me would turn anyone mad.  That what she is dishing out, I deserve.  I cannot fathom how someone can hate so much, and be in a happy RS with someone else in the meantime.  The RS with my replacement seems to be going strong, and I truly believe that they will probably make it last bc you see, I made her unhappy, therefore, I was the problem, therefore, he can make her happy bc he is not me! People tell me rebound relationships don't last, that he's a player and will eventually leave her, he doesn't want kids, he doesn't want marriage, her abandonment fears will set the ball in motion... . WHY CAN"T I BELIEVE OR SEE THIS< TOO?

I am constantly triggered it seems.  Whether dealing with her dad with custody, bogus restraining orders after a month of NC, talking to my son over the phone, or sis sending me a pic of her at a social event.  I did ask my sister to not send me anymore pics of her she gets on FB or what not.  But I am starting to not believe that EVERY RS with a BPD is doomed.  Hell, mine lasted 14 years.

To top it all off, when I got my hit together and started working again, the GUY at the bar ordered a chocolate martini... . ughhh

And yes, it was for himself.   Really?  That's how you're throwing down tonight, guy?

[arn131arn]

another drink.  It will definately NOT be a chocolate martini.

Worked tonight.  Busy behind the bar.  I got a text from Sis and there was a pic of my ex and a friend at a pretty exclusive high end party in our city.  I know she was there with my replacement and I so many thoughts raced through my mind at once.

She slept at my replacement's house last night. It was our son's 8th b day yesterday.  She went out with my replacement tonight and has refused me or my family any rights to see my son on his birthday weekend.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS?  Seriously? What kind of mother denies her son access to his father? 

I even felt a little regret in looking at that picture.  I have been going back and forth lately about maybe I was the problem in the RS.  That 14 years of dealing with someone like me would turn anyone mad.  That what she is dishing out, I deserve.  I cannot fathom how someone can hate so much, and be in a happy RS with someone else in the meantime.  The RS with my replacement seems to be going strong, and I truly believe that they will probably make it last bc you see, I made her unhappy, therefore, I was the problem, therefore, he can make her happy bc he is not me! People tell me rebound relationships don't last, that he's a player and will eventually leave her, he doesn't want kids, he doesn't want marriage, her abandonment fears will set the ball in motion... . WHY CAN"T I BELIEVE OR SEE THIS< TOO?

I am constantly triggered it seems.  Whether dealing with her dad with custody, bogus restraining orders after a month of NC, talking to my son over the phone, or sis sending me a pic of her at a social event.  I did ask my sister to not send me anymore pics of her she gets on FB or what not.  But I am starting to not believe that EVERY RS with a BPD is doomed.  Hell, mine lasted 14 years.

To top it all off, when I got my hit together and started working again, the GUY at the bar ordered a chocolate martini... . ughhh

And yes, it was for himself.   Really?  That's how you're throwing down tonight, guy?

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this arn. Your situation regarding your son is heartbreaking.   

Sounds like very mental ill and/or like a control issue. Having control about your son.  :'(

It was our son's 8th b day yesterday.  She went out with my replacement tonight and has refused me or my family any rights to see my son on his birthday weekend.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS?  Seriously? What kind of mother denies her son access to his father? 

Who is with your son when she is out?

[arn131arn]

So sorry to hear this arn. Your situation regarding your son is heartbreaking.   

Sounds like very mental ill and/or like a control issue. Having control about your son.  :'(

It was our son's 8th b day yesterday.  She went out with my replacement tonight and has refused me or my family any rights to see my son on his birthday weekend.  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS?  Seriously? What kind of mother denies her son access to his father? 

Who is with your son when she is out?

Her mom or her sister. 

I just don't understand.  If you are that happy in your new relationship, why make me suffer by alienating my son?  Why be that vindictive if you are as happy as you have ever been?  Is this all just a front?  I mean the guy has money... . lots of it, but can she really be happy while behaving this way?  It's breaking my  heart what she's doing with my son... .

[NoCRV]

Hey Arn,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My uBPDex recycled her ex after our breakup, I am guessing the same week of our breakup.  They are both alcoholics and he enables her more than my casual drinking ever would.  I know she didn't get diagnosed with BPD and start treatment in that week, so I am pretty sure they will have the same fate.  Her sister told me the ex has mental issues I am guessing because of all the recycles.  Before we broke up the BPDex's brother in law said both the sisters like to hurt people.  They inflict their pain on to others and since they know us, they know where to stick that knife.  You didn't make her unhappy, she's that way by herself!

[arn131arn]

Hey Arn,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My uBPDex recycled her ex after our breakup, I am guessing the same week of our breakup.  They are both alcoholics and he enables her more than my casual drinking ever would.  I know she didn't get diagnosed with BPD and start treatment in that week, so I am pretty sure they will have the same fate.  Her sister told me the ex has mental issues I am guessing because of all the recycles.  Before we broke up the BPDex's brother in law said both the sisters like to hurt people.  They inflict their pain on to others and since they know us, they know where to stick that knife.  You didn't make her unhappy, she's that way by herself!

I wish I could believe this. After 14 years, to be thrown away like that.  To alienate my son from me and not let me throw him balls in the batting cage on weekends to not even let me see him on his birthday or birtday weekend.

I know there has to be a special place in hell for people like this, but it's funny... . and so true. Good things happen to bad people all the time in this life... . So, while she gallovants around town with her f in millionaire, she would rather have my son with her mother or sister, than allow his dad to spend time with him.

How did this ever happen to me?

[Surnia]

I can only guess, arn, even if she may be happy now - happiness cannot overwrite the low self-love, self-worthiness. So she is trying to control the rs between you and your son.

Its very difficult for you and for your son. 

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Arn,

She hasnt magically changed all of a sudden, and you did not make her life miserable. She does that all by herself.

She may look happy, even feel happy, but the fact that she appears to be happy, doesnt mean that your presence or love made her unhappy.

Thinking like this is a kind of a trap, because the only outcome is selfblame and selfhurt. It is destructive towards yourself to go on this path.

Dont fall for it! Dont torture yourself like this, it is heavy enough as it is.

You come across as a decent guy, you are able to think straight and determine right from wrong. You know your priorities and responsibylities, you are capable of loving someone and to pull it trough. You see what she does by alienating your son it is tough, very tough, but blaming yourself wont make it any better.

There is no logic in this, no matter how you are trying to make sense of it. Accept that she doesnt follow logic rules, and try to stay out of the hurt she is trying to cause you with her crazyness.

Her happiness will never be yours and you should be glad that it isnt. She needs the replacement in order to feel happy, it must be horrible to be that emotionally dependend on someone.

I wish you some peace today  

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Surnia and Biscuit.

I do great for a while.  I have been seeing a P for three weeks now.  I am sober and helping others often.

But it's like she knows that the only thing left for us BOTH to move on is to finalize custody arrangements with my son.  It's almost like she is holding on for dear life to that because she knows I am officially done as soon as it is ironed out.

So, she resorts to alienation, control, vindictiveness, and spitefulness.  All the while, she is happy as can be with her successful man! Almost 10 years older than us 

I hired an attorney, it won't be long until I have orders when I can see my son.  I also know that she has been raging on my son.  She broke his Kindle Fire when she slammed it on the concrete.  I guess since I am no longer around to bash, she is turning to him.  This makes me sad bc I am not there to protect him, which she knows I would do. 

I know when things are ironed out with my son, I can begin to fully detach, but she just won't let me out of the scorpion hell fire web... .

[Changingman]

Hey Arn

I went through this with my uBPDxw. She kept the kids from me then started to spread poison around my friends about odd sexual things between me and the kids. So manipulative and calculated, it was easy for everyone to dismiss her claims. When I confronted her about it she sweetly said

Oh no, they must have mistaken what I said I didn't say you... .

Pure rage phone calls, then suddenly this sweet voice, I hadn't even finished telling her what I'd heard she was spreading before she hijacked the conversation.

How will judges access real paedos if they hear these lies, you are helping evil

Didn't care the kids just objects.

When she thought I was out having fun and recovering she phoned raging and practically threw the kids at me to ruin my free time (ha I love them it was great )

Control is the key, we are all objects revolving around their inner pain.

She was so happy to feel any relief from that stuff inside she became euphoric.

Keep steady the kids will come.

Bore her, keep drama level down, try not to engage in high conflict dialogue.

Be as empty of emotion as possible on phone or meetings. Drama is food. Act it, be aware of your responses becoming emotional.

Cold

Bore her

[Changingman]

Ps

Bar work! Careful mine was assistant manager of a bar. I have seen so many BPDs in bar settings now.

Instant 'friends', alcohol and drugs, easy sexual environment, confused disorders as customers, hiding in plain view.

3-8% of population... . but they gather around the watering hole.

30% + of bar population?

[babyducks]

Bore her, keep drama level down, try not to engage in high conflict dialogue.

Be as empty of emotion as possible on phone or meetings. Drama is food. Act it, be aware of your responses becoming emotional.

Loved what Changingman wrote here.

Everyone's emotions oscillate, a person who suffers from the traits of BPD has emotions that oscillate wildly in a vey short span of time.   Drama is fuel to keep those oscillations going and to hit incredible peaks and low valleys.