feeling lost..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,

I haven't written anything or follow the board for months.

My husband is now diagnosed NPD.

We broke up in September, he left me, and I have decided it was too much and was time for me to move on and leaving.

I was doing quite ok, with ups and downs of course, but overall I dealt with separation and all quite well I think. 

In these last months I've gained awareness and understood many things about him, my family and myself.

It has been hard, especially realizing -or admitting- that my mum's uBPD as it was my grandfather and that I've always been in unhealthy relationships with my exs and that i was stuck, or probably still am, in the role of caretaker.

I thought i was doing ok, and that i was finally starting to live, free and happy. Until last Wednesday, the day when i have my therapy session.

My therapist asked to think about if i wanted to keep seeing her with the same frequency (once a week), or if i thought we should see only once every two weeks, and well, in general... to evaluate our work together.

She also asked me to think about what do i need and want in a future, hypothetical, love relationship.

I was much activated and nervous.

My therapist then said that she thought i did big progress and that she thinks i'm ready to "walk alone", slowly of course.

I told her i was scared, and not sure i'm ready to walk alone. She helped me calm down, and we decided was better to re-evaluate the situation in a while.

Next day I felt totally lost. I have realized i actually don't know what i want and need. How can i build healthy relationship if i don't even know my basic needs?

In the afternoon, I had a small discussion with a co-worker, actually was not even a discussion, was just a statement she made. Was almost closing time... and I felt very very bad, felt the need to cry, again i was much nervous and activated and overwhelmed! On my way home I had huge outburst, I couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours, problem is... I had my best friend over for dinner and i was so ashamed. He was shocked and worried, tried to calm me down and asking what was going on, but it was so hard for me to speak. I just told him what happened with co-worker and he thought i was making a huge drama out of nothing. Of course.

But that's not the reason why i felt bad, i didn't know what to tell him, how to explain that I'm really scared i won't be able to respect myself and listen to my needs. How can I if i don't even know them?

Has anyone else felt this way?

Why i suddenly feel so LOST after all I've been though?

[tayma]

Hello,

I haven't written anything or follow the board for months.

My husband is now diagnosed NPD.

We broke up in September, he left me, and I have decided it was too much and was time for me to move on and leaving.

I was doing quite ok, with ups and downs of course, but overall I dealt with separation and all quite well I think. 

In these last months I've gained awareness and understood many things about him, my family and myself.

It has been hard, especially realizing -or admitting- that my mum's uBPD as it was my grandfather and that I've always been in unhealthy relationships with my exs and that i was stuck, or probably still am, in the role of caretaker.

I thought i was doing ok, and that i was finally starting to live, free and happy. Until last Wednesday, the day when i have my therapy session.

My therapist asked to think about if i wanted to keep seeing her with the same frequency (once a week), or if i thought we should see only once every two weeks, and well, in general... to evaluate our work together.

She also asked me to think about what do i need and want in a future, hypothetical, love relationship.

I was much activated and nervous.

My therapist then said that she thought i did big progress and that she thinks i'm ready to "walk alone", slowly of course.

I told her i was scared, and not sure i'm ready to walk alone. She helped me calm down, and we decided was better to re-evaluate the situation in a while.

Next day I felt totally lost. I have realized i actually don't know what i want and need. How can i build healthy relationship if i don't even know my basic needs?

In the afternoon, I had a small discussion with a co-worker, actually was not even a discussion, was just a statement she made. Was almost closing time... and I felt very very bad, felt the need to cry, again i was much nervous and activated and overwhelmed! On my way home I had huge outburst, I couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours, problem is... I had my best friend over for dinner and i was so ashamed. He was shocked and worried, tried to calm me down and asking what was going on, but it was so hard for me to speak. I just told him what happened with co-worker and he thought i was making a huge drama out of nothing. Of course.

But that's not the reason why i felt bad, i didn't know what to tell him, how to explain that I'm really scared i won't be able to respect myself and listen to my needs. How can I if i don't even know them?

Has anyone else felt this way?

Why i suddenly feel so LOST after all I've been though?

[jynx]

I understand.  I am just beginning to know myself again, and I have been divorced for 4 years.  During my relationship I was always trying to think of what he would like to watch on tv, where he would like to go, what he would like for dinner.  I wasn't thinking about me anymore, I was only thinking of ways to stay out of a fight (rage).

I did buy my own house, and I decorated it the way I wanted to.  I wasn't allowed to have anything on the walls, now if I see a naked wall, I have to put something there.  It just has to be all about me now, but that is only inside of my house.

I still freak out when someone might ask me where I would like to go to eat.  I get a feeling like it is a trap, so they can tell me how stupid I am.  Working on that one !

But I can really empathize with not even knowing your own needs anymore.  We will get there !   

[zsazsa]

All I can say to you,  as I have said to myself many times , many days,  one day at a time.

Try to be forgiving and loving to yourself, healing can be very painful,  you are doing the work,  it's going to be okay.

[Surnia]

Hi tayma

yes, I remember you, some time before. 

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so lost right now.

Sounds like you need more time working with your T. This doesn't mean you don't made progress.

Sometimes we have bad days. Your best friend was not soo validating.

Yes, healing needs time. 

[tayma]

Thanks for your answers.

jynx: yes i understand... i also freak out when somebody asks what i prefer to do/eat/watch. I first think about something but immediately worry it is not the right answer, then i don't know anymore...  it's crazy!

zsazsa: one day at a time. yes, slowly. I know... But I'm afraid when i can't control my emotions

Surnia: oh i'm so happy you remember me. thanks.

I know, my best friend wasn't validating at all. He was almost angry - that didn't help at all.

[Surnia]

Surnia: oh i'm so happy you remember me. thanks.

You are welcome.

Yes, I would feel embarrassed too when I feel uncontrolled emotions.

It can happen to all of us.

I hope you are better today.

[tayma]

You are welcome.

Yes, I would feel embarrassed too when I feel uncontrolled emotions.

It can happen to all of us.

I hope you are better today.

Thanks.

Yes, is true. It can happen. But... I'm not used to loose control in that way, and its scary.

Well, I am not feeling any better  :'(  ... but the reasons are not related with BPD/NPD or myself. Or not only.

[love4meNOTu]

The healing process is fragmented. I have days where I feel so good, completely normal... and then I remember. I remember what I've been through, how my dreams have died. How mistaken I was about my ex husband's character.

How I was living a lie for months. How I was so stressed my hair began falling out and I lost over thirty pounds. How my children worried about me... how all the people I loved came to help me... .

And then I remember the real truth. That is my dreams are not dead. They are still alive, within me. I have hope still for a happy future. I believe that there is love in this world, in so many forms... . That god removed me from this marriage for a reason, because it was not good for me. Because my ex husband did not truly love me, he needed me. And god knew that... . and helped me get out.

So I guess you could say my faith in all of that led me to healing. It's been a long road, about eight months or so before I began to feel like myself again.

But it's been worth it. I promise you, it will get better.

L

[tayma]

Hi,

Thanks all for the support.

I'm trying really hard to understand and recognize my distorted thinking, trying to change the way i interact with others and some behaviors that inevitably lead me to feeling down and miserable. And most of the days i'm proud of myself.

But some days, like today, it is just SO hard... Sometimes i feel like I'm "destroying" the improvement i did.

Few days ago was my wedding anniversary, today is Valentine's day...   So obviously, around is full of reminders.

I thought my H would contact me. He didn't. Did he remember it was our anniversary? Or is he hurting too much?

The other day one of his closest friend called me, and told me my H is not doing ok and that he's worried. I know was better not to answer and disconnect completely from my H and all his environment. I answered because I needed to know. I was thinking about him and still have lots of guilt feelings. A LOT.

I also thought my family would give me some support - or at least call to see how was i doing, but they didn't.

So i'm disappointed and hurt.

This period of my life is really hard, beside the separation from my H and my healing process, there are other negative stuff going on and i'm not sure how long I can stand them. And is not stuff i can easily remove or ignore.

And, i have a confession to make even if i'm ashamed   ... . this is where i feel i'm ruining all the work i've been doing with T and my improvements.

Yesterday, I felt very down and didn't want to be alone. I first called a good friend of mine but she was busy and couldn't meet me. So I called a male friend. ... . Well, I went to his place, we drank some wine, talked. He's sweet and I know he has feelings for me since long time. I knew and I played with him  I flirted all night long. We were cuddling and eventually we kissed. We didn't do anything more than kissing because i kind of panicked and stopped it before situation would go out of hand.

I played with him, only because i wanted to feel loved and needed.

This is not right.

[Surnia]

Hi tayma

There is a lot coming together in your life. 

Valentine, birthday, T work and the evening with your friend. I hear you and I feel with you.

You can be proud of yourself. You are so honest about yourself and being in contact with your own feelings and needs. I think you did a great job with your friend to stop before you did more than cuddling.

I would like to reframe a bit your thoughts about ruining the T work. Working successfully with a T does not mean you are always doing "the right" thing. Your need to be loved and being cuddled is okay. Perhaps you may think about what would you do differently if you could "rearrange" the situation?

[tayma]

Yes, really a lot in this period. But... it can't rain forever, right?

Oh, you think so? I feel like i don't know anymore what are my needs and what I am feeling.

I feel like i'm not in touch with ANYTHING.

Thanks for the input Surnia. Made me think a lot...  

Differently? I wouldn't call him, i think. Although i felt in heaven when he was cuddling me, it is not nice to play with friend's feelings. I would have stayed home watching cheesy movie with a cup of hot chocolate, instead

I felt I ruined the work with T  because i was working exactly on my desire and need to be loved (that session was particularly hard for me!). I feel guilty to have that desire. With T we are working on why do i feel like that, and to gain self respect and awareness that i do deserve to be loved.

I was ashamed and feeling bad, because i met my friend with the only intention to feel somebody loves me.

But now i'm ok.

I sometimes feel very down for not real reasons, but few days after, i manage to rationalize and feel better about it.

[Surnia]

I was ashamed and feeling bad, because i met my friend with the only intention to feel somebody loves me.

I can so relate.

And this is btw what I meant by you are in contact with your own emotions. You are in contact with your shame, which is not easy. 

Did I mentioned the books of Brene Brown to you? "The gift of imperfection" came to my mind, reading your lines.