When they tell YOU love is not enough... help

[michel71]

Ouch that hurts. Why is it fine for us to think it and stand in a position of strength and power mentally but when they say it, it unearths us? I am saying "us" because I hope I am not alone in this.

My situation is so crazy right now that I am not even sure what Board I should be posting on. I literally oscillate between the three at times.

If you have read my few other posts, and again I am new here, my wife is soon to join me in about a month in the States after she gets her spousal visa. It has been a long and stressful process for both of us. Unfortunately in the last 7 months, actually since our honeymoon, our visits have been marred by arguments. Her BPD kicked into high gear after the wedding and perhaps I, feeling more secure by being married, decided I wasn't going to take her crap anymore. Sadly I just recently found this site and only about a month before that finally figured out what her issues might be linked to.

Last few days we have been at it again. A cycle. Can't seem to get off the merry go round. It culminated in her now being "PETRIFIED" to move here. She said before she was just scared. This was because with every argument she feels that she can trust me less and less ( her words) and when I lost my cool last night and said some choice and hurtful things it now makes her less trustful than ever.

The trust thing is also interesting to me. Yes, I know it is one of the big things about BPD people but I swear on a stack of bibles that I am the most loving, giving, self-less trustworthy spouse that she could have. She has absolutely no objective, rational reason to think me untrustworthy. Guess that is just it though. She is not objective and rational when it comes to trust and her other emotions as they relate to BPD.

Sorry folks. I am just sitting here, sleep deprived, brain a scrambled mess of random thoughts. Can anybody please shed some light on this? I feel so wrecked right now.

[Boisnix79]

Sorry to hear man, genuinely feel for you... . I think you being here and learning is your best bet though , so kudos for that... .

To be honest my first response to this message is, taking a sleeping pill, sleep 8 hours tongiht... . get up before work and go to the gym... . eat really healthy for the next 24 hours... . and promise yourself youll do your best to take care of your body and mind... . not figuring it out or strategizing... . Just go in the sun if available, or bike ride... . I mean it... . Go see a friend...

This situation as you know doesnt have a magic answer, and you'll need to learn to keep in tip top shape so you can have the stamina to get through this... .

Sorry I didnt talk about the situation itself but scrambled mess of random thoughts isnt the right time to make sense of this anyway.

Just my 2 cents... .

[unicorn2014]

I agree with the advice given: get 8 hours of sleep, exercise eat well, it's what I do. You might want to look into DBT for yourself. I hope you are in individual therapy. You might want to think about letting your wife spin out this time and not try and make her feel better.

[rj47]

We attempt to manage their mental health back to a safe place thinking we're doing it out of love, care, and compassion. It may in fact be all that, buts it also about self-preservation. We desperately want it to stop. But, that may not be whats' best for her. They generally don't handle change well. And; while moving away from home is stress enough, leaving one's country has to be a very high stress trigger for her.

Letting  her expunge her demons from a distance may be the best thing (and appears to be the only option). Best you can do is to support and reaffirm; and, take care of yourself mentally and physically.

[Love Is Not Enough]

You are having this many issues and she hasn't even moved in with you yet. Please heed the other posters advice and take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to in order to take your mind off of it. Maybe give her the time and space to work through her own issues. Tell her to come when she feels better about the situation. During this time you can focus more on yourself and work through all the lessons here. You will need them once she moves in with you. Always remember the most important person in your life - YOU!