After the last argument, I am so down and depressed

[michel71]

I finally decided to post on this board. I am staying with the love of my life BPD and going to make our marriage work ( at least do my part).

We have had many arguments of course but the recent one has left me very down and depressed.

We actually worked out some kinks; that is to say that I ended up putting what I've learned here into place and did take an honest look at what part I may be playing in our arguing. I have done some research on empathy. I thought I was being empathetic; turns out that my "fixer" side wasn't really letting me hear her from her point of view. It was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Perhaps another lesson that it is easy to point fingers at the BPD when you don't have BPD.

Another thing that happened to me, and perhaps the reason for feeling down and depressed, is that in doing my research on myself (rather than her), I sort of peeled away my layers and I had more than I thought. I have been very angry at her and holding onto anger, more so than I ever realized. Argument after argument without any type of coping skills on my behalf and unfortunately not having the benefit of this site yet ( I recently found it), left me with a heavy heart and a very bad taste in my mouth. It was more like heavy resentment and buried hurts. Like with empathy, I thought I was not the type to hold grudges.

When I finally got real with myself today, had a good cry or two, my peeled layers revealed a rawness in me. I feel broken down. Wiped out.

I love my wife more than ever now. And thankfully she really does want to work on better communication (albeit with me doing most of the work... . ok... . BPD'ish). She is not giving up on us and I was really worried about it. Today I came to realize that I do not want to lose her. I do not want to end our relationship. And I had been on the undecided board for quite some time.

I do feel bad about our last argument because I said some real cruel things and became the J.A.D.E poster child. I knew that I really hurt her. Worse yet, I wanted her to hurt. I have been so mad at her. So I am feeling guilty, sad and depressed.

I am wondering if any of it also is because she did a fair job of dressing me down in our last argument.

I don't know. I haven't gotten much sleep, exercise or proper nutrition in a few days.

Anybody got any insight?

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[elemental]

You have some realizations, and understanding often comes with self blame.  Understandable, but probably beating up on yourself so much is not putting you in the position of acting on what you understand.

My ideas?

First, take care of yourself. Consider what you said about how you lost resilience. Lack of self care and you tired out, got strung out. Eat good food, set aside the troubles enough to sleep, take care of personal needs.

You learned something really important: you have to self care in order to have capacity. That means if things get rough, excuse yourself and go do something to refresh yourself. It clears your head, keeps some detachment. Attends to your physical well being and your spirit. 

I am learning this very important lesson too. And like you, it took major upsets to get to that point. 

[MissyM]

I can relate to a lot of your post.  When I am raw from doing deep work on myself, I seem to be hypersensitive to my dBPDh.  That is where the self-care comes in.  I haven't done a perfect job of regulating myself, when he disregulates, but it is getting much better.   I am finding that with the work I am doing, I am having a better time with my internal boundaries.  It is getting easier not to take the things he does personally.  I also really relate to that terrible feeling after having had a big fight, where I behaved badly.  It is not the person I am, I hate it when I violate myself and my dBPDh in an argument.  Really, violating my own morals that way is what leaves me feeling so badly.  So tomorrow is a new day.  If you made your amends and really understand where you went off the track, next time can be different.  Beating oneself up doesn't help anything.

[waverider]

You need a bigger 'space" between you, issues were you dont try to fix/apply tools/empathize.

The reason I say this is because you can become overly fixed on her and the RS, so you avoid examining your own issues and letting things out. Your bury them and they compound until one day they flood out overwhelming you.

Allow yourself to fail/not step in/trigger/ get angry. It is ok to do the wrong thing, you can fix up the damage later. You are still way ahead of not understanding anything.

Depression is a real risk with carers, usually as a result of trying too hard and not feeling like any reward or appreciation. Focus more on you and rebuilding your life rather than fixing hers. If you become depressed that in itself with trigger her and cause spiraling.  So spoiling yourself is important.

Don't kick yourself

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I noticed that there could be a trend. Recently I was very down (due to health and work issues) and expressed my feelings and anger. Naturally her rage escalated after the invalidation, afterwards she seemed to snap out of it and was even trying to console me. But I think when I start to feel better, her rages will start again. Am I contributing to this cycle? How can I minimize the push/pull syndrome? The constant roller-coaster changes in moods is very disruptive I feel, not just for me but her as well. Thanks.