Validation outcome question

[OldnTired]

Hi. I feel I get the validation, normalisation idea but I'm wondering about practical outcomes.  e.g.   I find my borderline partner having a heated exchange with his dear friend about some perceived infraction. He screams something unforgivable at them and storms off in a blind rage. I can track him down to validate and normalise his feelings but what about the dear friend? Is the dear friend now burned forever? Is there any follow up work I can do with my borderline to try to reinstate harmony? Should I be attempting to explain to the dear friend about what just happened - or is that a really bad idea? Tips on further reading / books about this topic would be very welcome!

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[an0ught]

Hi  OldnTired,

trying to manage their relationships is a tall order. And frankly it is really their job. They mess up there are real consequences. And if we are not involved we can't be blamed either.

So stick with validating upset, feeling guilty etc and maybe, just maybe the pwBPD will learn to apologize.

Getting too involved in other peoples relationships creates a "Karpman Triagle" which is a good way to create drama so maybe not the best thing considering that we got enough on our table already 

[OldnTired]

Thanks for the reply.  That's pretty much how it has gone down so far. I've shown his friends out with a smile and a friendly goodbye and we never hear from them again. I've removed my friends from the war zone completely and just see them on my own. I guess that is the best approach.

[coworkerfriend]

From my experience, and I have had quite a bit of my pwBPD and his friends fighting, I have learned to just wait it out.  When my pwBPD is ready to talk, I listen and I validate his feelings.  Most of his friends have lived through and had to work through their own relationships.  If his friend reaches out to me, I generally do the same thing, just listen and validate.  My pwBPD apologizes when he knows he went to far and will work it out himself if and when he is ready. 

It is best not to get into the middle of things.  I know it is hard but most of the time, it passes.