Even if she "re-lapses" I will not get back to her

[max101]

Dear all,

I have not been here for a very long time but felt that now, at this massive cross road I should provide un update, especially for the undecided.

After more than 3 years in a relationship with a BPD gf (not diagnosed as far as I know) she broke up with me a few days ago. I loved and love her immensely but always postponed my life for her, this my friends is not love. I changed jobs, pushed family and friends away, proposed to her just to be told "she is not ready" even though a year earlier she cried saying that I will probably never propose.

She has decided that it's time to deal with her issues, she has recently begun counseling and and getting certain meds. I also suspect her parents have made some pressure to end the relationship since they have finally stared thinking about their princess.

Under no circumstances, even if she "re-lapses" or whatever you want to call it will I get back to her. In some way I have been saved, I will always cherish the good times with her and respet her but I realized that in marriage are problems, of which most are invented by her mind would not end.

I plead with you all , DO NOT stay in these relationships. We all have different stories but it is not love to stay with someone that causes you to put your whole life on hold. Help them but move on with your lives, these people do not change unless treatment begins during childhood, the root of traumas.

Many will probably attack me, and I do not care because my mind is finally open, I have talked and read stories of others who also left and they all report the same: LIBERTY!

Help yourselves, you deserve real love without all the pressure.

Take care,

[Lucky Jim]

Hey max, To the contrary, I think most on the Leaving Board will acknowledge that a BPD r/s is not built to last, though we all have different timeframes.  LJ

[heartandwhole]

Hi max101,

I understand your feelings.  Some may not agree, and we are all entitled to our feelings anyway. I'm glad that you are free from the sacrifices that you were making. Despite the relief that you feel, is there some sadness and grief in there as well? 

How are you coping with this big change? 

[max101]

Hi,

Thank you for your understanding. To be fair, even though I feel "free" I am obviously feeling sadness. I spent 3.5 years with her and still feel a strong emotional attachment. I miss her and feel lonely as the break up is only 4 days old. I am trying to spend time with more people and as I am currently unemployed I am putting much more energy into finding work which makes all this easier.

However I have one concern, she still has some clothes and books at my house since she sometimes slept over. On the other hand she has a spare key to my apartment which I obviously need back. How do I organize this exchange, If I tell her brother to do it with me or through friends I fear this will instigate some dark energy from her so I probably should meet up.

What do you guy's think, should I wait for her to mention it or send her an sms to meet for the "item exchange"?

[In_n_Out]

Mine too lasted 3.5 years.  To my mind, the r/s is very much over.  It's getting my mind to convince my heart of the same that is the struggle.  It may be "OVER" but it ain't "over" unfortunately.  Do stay strong though.  I just keep reminding myself that the things that she said were said for only the purpose of fulfilling her emotional needs and to keep her fear of abandonment at bay and that it is by her actions that I should judge her.  That is what is keeping my emotions in check.

[Changingman]

Max,

No meet up, this is you trying to connect again. Put all her stuff in bin liners, don't look at it, don't go through it. Just throw it in. Then drop it off at someone else's house or get someone to pick it up.

Unfortunately I did not do this and found lots of clues to her new RS and to how she was living, who she was seeing, what she was buying, I found pregnancy tests ( used ), and got a glimpse into stuff I should never have known. She took a month+ to pick it up. So each revelation and walk out of the fog triggered some abuse of her stuff ( a lot of destruction ). By the end you could fit her stuff into an ashtray. I'm not proud of this and I think it has delayed my healing some. An important element of detachment is getting them out of your head and day to day life.

No contact saves us from going deeper down the rabbit hole.

In an out is right, knowing her action were part of a deep pathology has saved my life. This is A RS that had nowhere to go but out. No wisdom or different style would have changed anything.

Soon you'll be glad she is gone.

[Free2Bee]

Pack up her stuff and mail it back to her. Change the key to your apartment.

Any contact is just going to delay your own healing and complicate the situation. Mine had some of my stuff (a pretty nice camera, an iPod). I opted to 'let the stuff go' rather than try to get it back. My peace of mind was worth more than the electronics.

Ultimately, it's your decision but my best advice is: maintain NC and wrap up the loose ends as quickly and possible so you can get on with your life.

[max101]

I think you guys bring up valid points. It might be easier to just chnage the lock on the door and then tell her brother to pick up her stuff one day when he is in the area. I guess since she broke up with me over the phone it's my mind playing games with me and the reason why I feel like it might be better to meet up. I am sure that even if she begged I would not go back to her, I know I would not, but it's just with all these things around it kind of feels like it's not really over. I cannot throw her stuff away because that would just be lame to me so I will see with her brother if we can deal with the items.

[guitarguy09]

I think you guys bring up valid points. It might be easier to just chnage the lock on the door and then tell her brother to pick up her stuff one day when he is in the area. I guess since she broke up with me over the phone it's my mind playing games with me and the reason why I feel like it might be better to meet up. I am sure that even if she begged I would not go back to her, I know I would not, but it's just with all these things around it kind of feels like it's not really over. I cannot throw her stuff away because that would just be lame to me so I will see with her brother if we can deal with the items.

I agree with the other posters. You should maintain NC and since she broke up with you, she ended up doing you a big favor rather than if you had decided to break up with her yourself. Let the healing begin. Sorry for the lost relationship, and I trust you will be able to heal in time.

[tiredndown]

I loved and love her immensely but always postponed my life for her

You said it yourself, this is not love. You loved what she tried so hard to make you believe she was. It was not her that you loved, but the idea of what it should be.

Go through all of those stages of grieving, it is OK to miss her, feel sad it didn't work out and all of those other things. You will come out much better in the end. Take your time and repair yourself, this is YOUR time to heal and learn.

[max101]

Thank you all for the support. It helps a lot just to write down feelings through this forum. As I stated before, this was not love but more of the "love of an illusion" but now it will take time to accept this and deal with it.

I am so confused now and thinking a lot about how I need to work on my self in terms of mind and body as well. I think I need radical change, it will make me a better man and one day husband and father. I obviously also need to "fine-tune" my sensors and watch out for other scary woman in the future. When you think about it (I assume it was the same with all of you) there are always red flags, from the very beginning. Why do we ignore them is what I cannot understand 

[Klrskies]

It's hard to ignore someone who seems determined to be the perfect partner in the beginning. Read about mirroring. Try to remember the bad aspects. There were probably plenty of reasons... . look at it from outside of entanglement and ask if that's the kind of relationship you seek? Perhaps they were masked for a while, but the personality you came to know was the real deal, not the illusion. I'm sorry, this is a painful experience... . it hurts enough sometimes we can't remember the reality of it all. It dangerous and exhausting  being with a person who can't give back what they are given and makes one question... . What were we actually getting out of the relationship?

I would be cautious about making drastic changes to non-relationship related aspects of your life while you are detaching... . things are going to return to more normal as months go by. No contact is about the only way to get yourself back in the least amount of time. You have lots of emotions to go thru... . any association with her can reverse and or delay your personal progress. Read the stories on here about people unable to get out of the relationships. Her life will always be chaos as will anyone's who attaches to her. your on the way, hang in there and know this is time for you to heal... . that's number one.

[love4meNOTu]

I, too, am in the "mail her stuff to her" camp. I did the same, boxed up the remainders and shipped them to him. I had hoped he would do the same, he took some tools of mine that belonged to my father and my great uncle, but he did not.

She did you a great favor in ending the relationship. You'll believe that soon.

Every day I think about how nice it is to come home and not have to be screamed at, intimidated and wondering what horrible thing is going to happen next.

My word, I would rather be alone forever than deal with that crap again. LOL

My current boyfriend would probably not appreciate that sentiment.   But he's strong enough to know that I don't need anyone to make me happy, and he is the same. He is perfectly happy in a relationship or out of one. What a blessing he is to me. My ex husband was so terribly insecure, sad and angry. I hope one day he will find peace, like I have.

Hugs,

L

[Lucky Jim]

Every day I think about how nice it is to come home and not have to be screamed at, intimidated and wondering what horrible thing is going to happen next.

Ditto, love4me.  Lucky Jim