A Thank You Letter to the Ex

[DownandOut]

I have recently had some really important success in my career and, although I have suffered in recent months with the pain of the b/u with my uBPDexgf, I think the pain is what fueled my success. I was thinking about writing her a letter, whether she answers or not, thanking her for being the dysfunctional person she is and having a dysfunctional r/s with me because it allowed me to really figure out things for myself and realize how much potential I have without having to hear her say it. She never was a big supporter of me and, it was the post-r/s sadness where I got the most from the r/s. I want her to know how well I'm doing and our r/s has helped me realize how important I am and how much good will happen in my life in the future. I want her to know that I will never put myself in a position to be treated like she treated me because I've learned what I really want and wants good for me in a r/s. I don't know what this will prove, but I want her to know these things about where my life is at this moment in time. Bad idea?

[Ironmanrises]

Please don't send that letter to her. She will not interpret it in the manner that it should be. Post it here, so you will feel like you did send it, and we will read it and translate it in its intended form.

[seeking balance]

Congrats on your success!

How about this - write the letter and post it here.  Let some of the folks give you some feedback based on how the pwBPD might read it; if after that feedback you still want to send to her - you are doing it with realistic expectations and consequences to those actions.

Peace,

SB

[CoasterRider]

I agree do not send... . read it to yourself then burn it.

[DiamondSW]

Totally agree.

DON'T send.  Waste of time.

Congratulations on achieving something good for you and those closest to you.  She isn't you, and she's not 'close' anymore.  Your hard work should make you feel proud -but don't bother firing anything off to her. 

It'll just bite you in the goolies if she replies... .    

I went out and bought myself a new home... . about 2 mths after being in hospital because of her behaviour.  She doesn't know where I live, what job I do anymore, anything... .   It's great.  But I know all about her... . because she's BPD.  Nothing will change... .   it never did before... .  

[DownandOut]

Thanks for your responses I truly appreciate it. I think i'm going to take Seeking Balance's advice and write it and post it here. If the feedback is positive, I'll send it. If not, I'll burn it.

[DownandOut]

Totally agree.

DON'T send.  Waste of time.

Congratulations on achieving something good for you and those closest to you.  She isn't you, and she's not 'close' anymore.  Your hard work should make you feel proud -but don't bother firing anything off to her. 

It'll just bite you in the goolies if she replies... .    

I went out and bought myself a new home... . about 2 mths after being in hospital because of her behaviour.  She doesn't know where I live, what job I do anymore, anything... .   It's great.  But I know all about her... . because she's BPD.  Nothing will change... .   it never did before... .  

That's a good point, however, I want to somehow get reach her family with stories of my success. I was actually thinking about mailing it to her when I'm done so that maybe her nosey mother will read it first when she sees it's from me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does because I loved her family and wanted to be a part of it one day and I know I've been painted black. If the family knew the real me, they could be the ones to hold me in high regard and remind her forever when things arent working out for her in her love life and that would be my revenge to her. I know it sounds petty, but that's how I'm feeling

[myself]

Proving it to yourself is what matters most.

If she cared about your life, she'd be in your life and would already know.

I want her to know that I will never put myself in a position to be treated like she treated me

Then don't put yourself in a position for her to do it to you again. I know what it feels like, to want to write a letter so the other person gets it, sees you for who you are and your newfound growth. Sees herself is what you're really looking for. That it was her, not you. I wrote those letters. Sent and deleted. She didn't see herself because she decided not to. I see myself, and while I still feel to write her, I don't. It wouldn't matter what I said, she'd see what she wanted to see. The effort would be wasted.

[CoasterRider]

If she cared about your life, she'd be in your life and would already know.

Amen!

I write emails to my ex all the time, and when Im done I delete them. If there was a chance we could see things the same way. Thats going to have to be for him to figure out. No amount of me saying anything mattered before, nor will it matter now. Unless there is a change on his end... . Its the only thing that keeps me from trying to reach out... . would be an effort in futility.

[DiamondSW]

Don't send a thing.

You will get hurt. 

If the exes family re-engage with you, all they will do is tell you stories that will make you think of the good times (which will hurt) or stories of her in the present (which will hurt).

Your bond is your ex... . and that's no good. 

Post your letter here, tell me/us what you've done (kinda intrigued) which you're proud of, be proud, but don't press send.  It will just backfire... . badly... for you. 

[seeking balance]

Thanks for your responses I truly appreciate it. I think i'm going to take Seeking Balance's advice and write it and post it here. If the feedback is positive, I'll send it. If not, I'll burn it.

PM me the link when you posted it and I will give feedback ... .

[DownandOut]

If she cared about your life, she'd be in your life and would already know.

Amen!

I write emails to my ex all the time, and when Im done I delete them. If there was a chance we could see things the same way. Thats going to have to be for him to figure out. No amount of me saying anything mattered before, nor will it matter now. Unless there is a change on his end... . Its the only thing that keeps me from trying to reach out... . would be an effort in futility.

That's what makes me stay NC. I feel like I've said it all, but it was never enough so why would it make a difference now. I'm so conscious of that fact, yet I still feel like she should hear me out. It's a mess.

Don't send a thing.

You will get hurt. 

If the exes family re-engage with you, all they will do is tell you stories that will make you think of the good times (which will hurt) or stories of her in the present (which will hurt).

Your bond is your ex... . and that's no good. 

Post your letter here, tell me/us what you've done (kinda intrigued) which you're proud of, be proud, but don't press send.  It will just backfire... . badly... for you. 

The family is always liking my pictures on social media (although less frequently recently) and I feel like they do know I was one of the good ones for her, but she just can't seem to get her sht together. I wish I would have spoken to her family when things were going sour and see what we could do for her, but she had me in such fear of going outside our little bubble with our r/s problems I failed to. I realize now she wanted to keep it a secret so that she could keep her true self secret, but I know the family really knows.

Essentially, it all goes back to the same thing - lack of closure. How could someone that I loved and love so much, flaws and all, be pretty much dead to me. That's the thing that haunts me now and forever.

[Ironmanrises]

If she cared about your life, she'd be in your life and would already know.

Amen!

I write emails to my ex all the time, and when Im done I delete them. If there was a chance we could see things the same way. Thats going to have to be for him to figure out. No amount of me saying anything mattered before, nor will it matter now. Unless there is a change on his end... . Its the only thing that keeps me from trying to reach out... . would be an effort in futility.

That's what makes me stay NC. I feel like I've said it all, but it was never enough so why would it make a difference now. I'm so conscious of that fact, yet I still feel like she should hear me out. It's a mess.

Don't send a thing.

You will get hurt. 

If the exes family re-engage with you, all they will do is tell you stories that will make you think of the good times (which will hurt) or stories of her in the present (which will hurt).

Your bond is your ex... . and that's no good. 

Post your letter here, tell me/us what you've done (kinda intrigued) which you're proud of, be proud, but don't press send.  It will just backfire... . badly... for you. 

The family is always liking my pictures on social media (although less frequently recently) and I feel like they do know I was one of the good ones for her, but she just can't seem to get her sht together. I wish I would have spoken to her family when things were going sour and see what we could do for her, but she had me in such fear of going outside our little bubble with our r/s problems I failed to. I realize now she wanted to keep it a secret so that she could keep her true self secret, but I know the family really knows.

Essentially, it all goes back to the same thing - lack of closure. How could someone that I loved and love so much, flaws and all, be pretty much dead to me. That's the thing that haunts me now and forever.

A commonality that most, if not all, of us(including me) on here share.

[CoasterRider]

If she cared about your life, she'd be in your life and would already know.

Amen!

I write emails to my ex all the time, and when Im done I delete them. If there was a chance we could see things the same way. Thats going to have to be for him to figure out. No amount of me saying anything mattered before, nor will it matter now. Unless there is a change on his end... . Its the only thing that keeps me from trying to reach out... . would be an effort in futility.

That's what makes me stay NC. I feel like I've said it all, but it was never enough so why would it make a difference now. I'm so conscious of that fact, yet I still feel like she should hear me out. It's a mess.

Don't send a thing.

You will get hurt. 

If the exes family re-engage with you, all they will do is tell you stories that will make you think of the good times (which will hurt) or stories of her in the present (which will hurt).

Your bond is your ex... . and that's no good. 

Post your letter here, tell me/us what you've done (kinda intrigued) which you're proud of, be proud, but don't press send.  It will just backfire... . badly... for you. 

The family is always liking my pictures on social media (although less frequently recently) and I feel like they do know I was one of the good ones for her, but she just can't seem to get her sht together. I wish I would have spoken to her family when things were going sour and see what we could do for her, but she had me in such fear of going outside our little bubble with our r/s problems I failed to. I realize now she wanted to keep it a secret so that she could keep her true self secret, but I know the family really knows.

Essentially, it all goes back to the same thing - lack of closure. How could someone that I loved and love so much, flaws and all, be pretty much dead to me. That's the thing that haunts me now and forever.

I agree when my ex came back to "work on it" we ran into his folks at the casino the mother said she wanted to call and check on me to make sure I was ok she was worried about me. She didnt because she didnt want my ex to be angry with her. She gave me a big hug and said everything would be ok, she just knew it. I simply replied, you know your son better than me... . meaning, we'll see... .   They knew I was a good one, they probably hoped my influence in his life would settle him down a bit, I would be good for him, he might finally grow up. No such luck, I am sorta angry at them they made that my responsibility. Sorta felt like they passed the parenting off to me.

When we lament on why we could never get through to them, just think about their poor parents? How many times they have had to watch their child do this over and over and over. How many times they have tried to intervene and it never worked. Of course we couldnt get to them either. We can leave and move on, the parents are stuck to watch the train wreck all over again.

Totally no closure, they just rip out of your life and everything goes back to being perfect strangers. I read something from a British chick who wrote an article about why people rip and run. They do it because they HAVE to to avoid any responsibility for their actions and to avoid having to see the fallot or consequences it has. They have to do so, in order to press the reset button. They hope they can get a 2 for one, you out of their life, and If their lucky you will be left feeling like it is your fault. Its a good article, Ive linked it below.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/

Understanding it is little consolation to how disposable it can make you feel. Especially when they move on within days to a new attachment.

[seeking balance]

Essentially, it all goes back to the same thing - lack of closure. How could someone that I loved and love so much, flaws and all, be pretty much dead to me. That's the thing that haunts me now and forever.

You have your closure - what you don't have is the validation that you mattered, that you were important and that you deserved respect... . this is what most of the folks are really looking for deep down.

Writing the letter - it really does help... . getting the feedback helps too - using the people here for your validation ... . to process the emotions to heal rather than stay stuck in anger and hurt.

[DownandOut]

Coasterrider:

The thing is, I'm the one who ended it. But it's not that simple, she basically loaded the gun and I was the one who pulled the trigger. She did everything to push me away, emasculate me and make me feel like sht, until she knew I wouldn't take it anymore (because that's what I did before). 3 days later I see her with her next victim. I know there was overlap too. The point being, in a state of anger and disgust, I completely took myself out of a hurtful situation and told her I would never speak to her again. I kick myself every day for the rashness of my decision. I could have done things differently, which may not have changed the outcome, but I would sleep better at night.

Seeking Balance:

I agree. I DO want validation taht I was the good one. That we deserved to be happy together but for some mental issue she had. Some defect that she exhibited and I was attracted to. Her family was convinced we would be married and, although I had plans to propose at a particular time and place (her family believed I would do it then as well), she took everything out of me and i decided against it. The family should know the real reasons why it didn't come to fruition, not her version of events. I want validation that all of my good qualities will eventually put me in a position to find the person for me, because she invalidated all of those things in me. I know I shouldn't give someone that much power, but it's hard not to when you could see that person as being your whole world. It's ironic, she used to say to me "i want to make you my everything, but I can't." The way she said it, though, made me think there was something that repelled her from me. Now I know, she really couldn't and I can't even help explain to her why.

[seeking balance]

I agree. I DO want validation taht I was the good one.

You will get that, but not from her.  You will get that by how you ACT now, now that you have the information, your own actions will prove to you and anyone that matters you are good and you do matter.

That we deserved to be happy together but for some mental issue she had.

That word is loaded and really closely tied to entitlement... . one of the things that I had to look in the mirror about was this - who really deserves what... . honestly.    When we think we deserve something we tend to stray away from the "here and now".  Life can be difficult and we are not all dealt even hands.  How we play those hands does determine our character though. 

Some defect that she exhibited and I was attracted to.

I dunno, be kind to yourself - you saw the good (idealized) and ignored the bad... . next time you will likely see the whole person.

Her family was convinced we would be married and, although I had plans to propose at a particular time and place (her family believed I would do it then as well), she took everything out of me and i decided against it. The family should know the real reasons why it didn't come to fruition, not her version of events.

I appreciate wanting those to know we did our best, we gave our all - but, those are her people - not yours.  It isn't fair, but sometimes we have to let go and let others see life as they need to.  I know this is hard, trust me - I do know.

I want validation that all of my good qualities will eventually put me in a position to find the person for me, because she invalidated all of those things in me.

I will validate you in that your good qualities are real and in life things do tend to work out in the end.  I am sorry she made you feel bad about you - as hard as it is, trust you won't feel that way forever.

I know I shouldn't give someone that much power, but it's hard not to when you could see that person as being your whole world. It's ironic, she used to say to me "i want to make you my everything, but I can't." The way she said it, though, made me think there was something that repelled her from me. Now I know, she really couldn't and I can't even help explain to her why.

It's ok to fall in love and want to give your all - we tend to settle for the love we think we deserve.  You are a good person, be kind to you so you can rebuild your self worth from within - not by what someone external thinks.

Honestly, you did your best with what you knew right?  In life, that is all we can really do - none of us are perfect.

Hang in there,

SB