Why aren't you doing No Contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

With respect to many people on here I notice many of you continue to stay in touch with your ex BPD partner and wonder why you can't detach? 

Because you're still communicating with them.  Period. 

If you have kids you can do it via email and speak only if absolutely necessary... . but otherwise WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 

Youre literally ripping open major wounds everytime you respond to their dysfunction.  This is the person who HURT YOU.  You might still care for them, but can you honestly say they cared for you as a person instead of an object after all they put you through and then when they cast you off? 

I know it's not easy.  I get it.  It's like taking a hit off a crack pipe... . not that I have lot of experience with that.  You want to stay engaged.  You're addicted to the fake love they gave you... . and sorry I'm going to call it fake because a person who REALLY loves you wouldn't have put you through Hell. 

I miss her a lot and her laughter... . but then I realize that she also was making jokes about me and laughing with the new guy... .  

I will never speak to her again.  She has caused inestimable damage to me and her ex friends she professed to love and care about.  She RAGED at us all.  They were less enmeshed in her dysfunction like me and were able to walk away easier... . but she still hurt them.  She also hurt her ex husband who had just gotten over cancer when she CHEATED on him with me for a year before finally moving out of his house and into mine. 

I'm not sure what you went through, but because you're here I'm sure it wasn't pretty.  Do I pity these people?  Yes I do... . like I pity a hungry wolf that has bitten off my fingers... . it's in its nature.  I don't hate it.  Do I trust it not to hurt me again?  NO!  IT'S A WOLF AND IT ALREADY HAS A TASTE FOR MY FLESH! 

Just being honest here.  I know you want to hang on to the pain... . sometimes its all we have left to remember how great it once was... . no matter how contrived and acted it may have been.  Sometimes we hang on to that pain because we can't confront the fact that YEARS of our life were dedicated to someone who will NEVER appreciate all that we did for them... .

Therapy is good. Constant activity is better.  Xanax and anti depressants if your doc thinks they're help.  I know they do for me. 

Over 60 days of No Contact for me... . it will get better... . but only if I make sure to keep her toxicity far away from my soul.   

[Johnny Alias]

With respect to many people on here I notice many of you continue to stay in touch with your ex BPD partner and wonder why you can't detach? 

Because you're still communicating with them.  Period. 

If you have kids you can do it via email and speak only if absolutely necessary... . but otherwise WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 

Youre literally ripping open major wounds everytime you respond to their dysfunction.  This is the person who HURT YOU.  You might still care for them, but can you honestly say they cared for you as a person instead of an object after all they put you through and then when they cast you off? 

I know it's not easy.  I get it.  It's like taking a hit off a crack pipe... . not that I have lot of experience with that.  You want to stay engaged.  You're addicted to the fake love they gave you... . and sorry I'm going to call it fake because a person who REALLY loves you wouldn't have put you through Hell. 

I miss her a lot and her laughter... . but then I realize that she also was making jokes about me and laughing with the new guy... .  

I will never speak to her again.  She has caused inestimable damage to me and her ex friends she professed to love and care about.  She RAGED at us all.  They were less enmeshed in her dysfunction like me and were able to walk away easier... . but she still hurt them.  She also hurt her ex husband who had just gotten over cancer when she CHEATED on him with me for a year before finally moving out of his house and into mine. 

I'm not sure what you went through, but because you're here I'm sure it wasn't pretty.  Do I pity these people?  Yes I do... . like I pity a hungry wolf that has bitten off my fingers... . it's in its nature.  I don't hate it.  Do I trust it not to hurt me again?  NO!  IT'S A WOLF AND IT ALREADY HAS A TASTE FOR MY FLESH! 

Just being honest here.  I know you want to hang on to the pain... . sometimes its all we have left to remember how great it once was... . no matter how contrived and acted it may have been.  Sometimes we hang on to that pain because we can't confront the fact that YEARS of our life were dedicated to someone who will NEVER appreciate all that we did for them... .

Therapy is good. Constant activity is better.  Xanax and anti depressants if your doc thinks they're help.  I know they do for me. 

Over 60 days of No Contact for me... . it will get better... . but only if I make sure to keep her toxicity far away from my soul.   

[Ironmanrises]

NC is a process. I learned that process after round 1 discard. I perfected NC after round 2 discard.

[love4meNOTu]

Eh... it's because we struggle with the two versions of the person we thought we loved.

The person during the honeymoon phase who was wonderful... . so wonderful...

and then the evil devaluing, raging, paranoid psychopath. I know that for me I was completely bewildered by what was happening. It took me months to figure out that my ex could not express himself to me and that for months the resentments had been building up inside him.

So because I kept doubting myself, especially after believing all the horrible things the man who was supposed to love me more than anything in the world said... . I had to see if it was true. That he was that psychopath.

He was.

I won't contact him ever again. Not in this life anyway.

L

[CoasterRider]

Eh... it's because we struggle with the two versions of the person we thought we loved.

The person during the honeymoon phase who was wonderful... . so wonderful...

and then the evil devaluing, raging, paranoid psychopath. I know that for me I was completely bewildered by what was happening. It took me months to figure out that my ex could not express himself to me and that for months the resentments had been building up inside him.

I call it their "demons" they are good people except when their demons are in control, and even when the demons arent sitting on their shoulder screaming in their ear, they are always there wispering and manipulating and sabotaging their way out of a happy and meaningful relationship.

[myself]

People get used to pain.

Scared of change.

Illusions are easier.

[love4meNOTu]

"I call it their "demons" they are good people except when their demons are in control, and even when the demons arent sitting on their shoulder screaming in their ear, they are always there wispering and manipulating and sabotaging their way out of a happy and meaningful relationship."


Their demons. Very apt.

Thank you for writing this Coaster Rider.

L

[CoasterRider]

"I call it their "demons" they are good people except when their demons are in control, and even when the demons arent sitting on their shoulder screaming in their ear, they are always there wispering and manipulating and sabotaging their way out of a happy and meaningful relationship."


Their demons. Very apt.

Thank you for writing this Coaster Rider.

L

Im from the south, whenever someone has a problem its kindly referred to as "their demons" as mention of what it actually is wouldnt be proper... . alcoholics, loose women, drugs, gambling and the like. 

[In_n_Out]

Johnny just summed up what my rational mind was thinking after my heart briefly cried "I miss her" so thank you for that.  The Medusa is beautiful yet evil and though my heart and mind are in a constant struggle on how best to deal with her, it has been my mind that has been more persuasive about the matter for a week and a half now.  Yet it's early so a long struggle lies ahead for me, I know.

[sadinnc98]

I have this sense of false hope that the old BF will come back... the one that was sweet, adored me, we had an awesome time. I am struggling realizing that wasn't a real person, that he mirrored, etc... . We STILL have fun when we go on dates (altho as of late he started raging and he has other terrible, terrible behaviors) I KNOW he is bad for me and its affecting every area of my life but I can't let go... Im starting counseling on Wednesday.

[Clearmind]

NC does not help you detach.

I have seen so many come back to the boards to post after a year of more of NC and then see their ex and fall apart.

Work on detaching emotionally rather than using NC as a lifestyle tool.

Detaching is more about us than them.

[Ceide]

Well said, Clearmind.

I heard from my exBPDbf about two weeks ago through a facebook message.  (We are not friends on facebook, btw.)  He did this after he promised not to ever contact me again (back in September, after being broken up for 2 years), would lose my contact info, stop driving by my house, etc. which I knew was a promise he couldn't keep.  In his own words he says he "hurts people" when in relationships, and yet when he made this promise to me, he was already "trying again" with someone else.  Ugh.  The recycling.

Anyway, even with all that I have learned about BPD and detaching and looking at myself, therapy, this site, etc. do you know that my stomach still flip-flopped when I saw that message?  That's why I'm here, to keep myself honest and to keep detaching.  My reaction was not one of "Oh goody, he's back!" but more of an "oh no, he's contacted me".  I didn't respond.  I'm so glad to have found this site and wish I had found it two years ago when he abruptly left.

[Cimbaruns]

I couldn't agree more Clear mind and Ciede... .

I am just beginning my "final detachment" as I've been through 4 years of painful recycles and continued "dancing" if you will.

The work I have to do emotionally will take me a very long time but I've accepted that " I" am much more important that my r/s with my wife who I married and vowed to love forever... . the love I thought I held for her was really not love at all... . but a dependancy , the nature of which I didn't think I could live without... . a painfully long attatchment to someone and something that was far different than anything I had ever known.

I truly loved her... . and the emotional attatchment is so strong and hard to separate from... . but I realize now that it's is the only way to get my life back

So NC IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY... . But YES... . EMOTIONAL DETATCHMENT is vital

I still get flip flops TOO. ... . But I hope over time... . if I do the work... . They won't be as painful

I have to stay strong!

[mgl210]

Do you want the real reason or what I believe reason?

I will tell you I don't want to fail at this relationship. i really believe that she and I are meant to work out... . Okay, maybe that's false hope or what not, but I don't want to give her proof to say to herself that yeah, I was right, he did abandon me... .

What I believe? I don't know... I lost my train of thought... I will answer that part of it later

MGL

[love4meNOTu]

NC does not help you detach.

I have seen so many come back to the boards to post after a year of more of NC and then see their ex and fall apart.

Work on detaching emotionally rather than using NC as a lifestyle tool.

Detaching is more about us than them.

This is absolutely true. No contact to me = no more new hurts. That's all. It doesn't help you heal, or resolve any issues from your past. It is merely a tool to protect yourself from further harm from your ex wBPD.

The ex could care less... . it's easier for them to just stop caring, because they were never really invested as we were anyway... the pain, the healing, will take place in us, not in them.

It sucks. All breakups are bad... but this break up? It killed part of me, part of me died. I don't want that part of me back though. It can stay dead.

It was my trust in my exhusband's, words, actions and deeds.

They are permanently dead.

L

[Madison66]

ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT HERE for about 45 days!  I live on the same street as my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years.  N/c is the only way I can protect myself against any future pain or stress.  The great thing is that I've managed to avoid contact living so close and the feelings of the r/s are fleeting.  I just feels like a long time ago that I was with her and I really don't know who she really is.  I can no live, breathe, heal and move on... .

[santa]

Do you want the real reason or what I believe reason?

I will tell you I don't want to fail at this relationship. i really believe that she and I are meant to work out... . Okay, maybe that's false hope or what not, but I don't want to give her proof to say to herself that yeah, I was right, he did abandon me... .

What I believe? I don't know... I lost my train of thought... I will answer that part of it later

MGL

I think the real failure would be by staying with someone who treats you badly and makes your life worse.

Nobody likes when a relationship ends. You put a lot into it. It's disappointing when it doesn't work out.

Here's a thought I've had that sort of made me feel better. I thought about all that I put into the relationship and how long I endured it and I felt like the way it ended was unfair to me. I thought, "I deserve better than this." After all we'd been through, I thought I deserved better than how I was discarded.

Well, the truth is that I do deserve better than that. I deserve to not have to deal with someone who makes everyday a struggle. I deserve to be out of the fire, so to speak. To have my own life to enjoy without her constantly trying to destroy me.

So, yeah, I didn't deserve the way I was treated by her. But, I absolutely deserve the freedom and joy that I can have without her. Lord knows, I earned it. After almost 4 years of hell, I'd say I deserve to have peace now.

[Perfidy]

Five months plus no contact. So close to nirvana I'm going to levitate.

[myself]

Do you want the real reason or what I believe reason?

I will tell you I don't want to fail at this relationship. i really believe that she and I are meant to work out... . Okay, maybe that's false hope or what not, but I don't want to give her proof to say to herself that yeah, I was right, he did abandon me... .

What I believe? I don't know... I lost my train of thought... I will answer that part of it later

MGL

I think the real failure would be by staying with someone who treats you badly and makes your life worse.

Nobody likes when a relationship ends. You put a lot into it. It's disappointing when it doesn't work out.

Here's a thought I've had that sort of made me feel better. I thought about all that I put into the relationship and how long I endured it and I felt like the way it ended was unfair to me. I thought, "I deserve better than this." After all we'd been through, I thought I deserved better than how I was discarded.

Well, the truth is that I do deserve better than that. I deserve to not have to deal with someone who makes everyday a struggle. I deserve to be out of the fire, so to speak. To have my own life to enjoy without her constantly trying to destroy me.

So, yeah, I didn't deserve the way I was treated by her. But, I absolutely deserve the freedom and joy that I can have without her. Lord knows, I earned it. After almost 4 years of hell, I'd say I deserve to have peace now.

Good for you, Santa. NC becomes contact with ourselves. Becomes peace.

MGL, I could have written every word you posted, and I'm sure I did, they're back there somewhere. I highlighted one thing you said, because it's where I was at the end of the r/s. I didn't want to be the one to end it. I did, though. It was when I saw that I wasn't abandoning her, because she wasn't really there. Our bond had broken.

I felt pushed to make a decision to leave, and there was some truth to that. I was also struggling with accepting the truth that I could choose for myself to be where it was better for me to be. If these would have been good relationships, they wouldn't have been so bad.

[monqui]

I logged on here to share something I see as positive and came across this thread which is relevant. So I'm not doing "no contact" though I broke up with my ex and did do "no contact" for a few months after the break up. She's since been diagnosed with Bipolar & BPD. She getting help for both, and taking it very seriously. Though she struggled with moodiness here & there, the BPD really didn't come out in our 2 years together until she had a breakdown that exhibited all the signs of BPD which led to our breakup, and her subsequent path to therapy. So some of the things she said during that period were truly horrible, and then soon afterwards she was also extremely remorseful and totally baffled and confused as to why she said things that she claimed she didn't mean. At any rate, it's been somewhat healing for me to be in some contact with her, to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for healing and a different path for her life. I'm in no way in contact as a means to get back together.

So I guess I wonder this- since every relationship is different, and every person with BPD is an individual (although obviously with some similar behavioral patterns) how can it be advised that NO CONTACT is always the route to go. I'm guessing in most cases it's actually true, as the abuser/abused pattern is too deeply entrenched, but aren't there exceptions? And aren't there ways to stay in contact, limited or writing only, that may be healthy for both parties as long as they're looked at as a means to reestablish a romantic partnership? I see a lot of "monsterizing" on this board of folks with BPD, & though that's understandable due to what many of us have been through, I believe via much other reading that many people with BPD can get to a healthy place, albeit with years of work. I'm really interested in getting feedback on this. Thanks.

[In_n_Out]

So I guess I wonder this- since every relationship is different, and every person with BPD is an individual (although obviously with some similar behavioral patterns) how can it be advised that NO CONTACT is always the route to go. I'm guessing in most cases it's actually true, as the abuser/abused pattern is too deeply entrenched, but aren't there exceptions? And aren't there ways to stay in contact, limited or writing only, that may be healthy for both parties as long as they're looked at as a means to reestablish a romantic partnership? I see a lot of "monsterizing" on this board of folks with BPD, & though that's understandable due to what many of us have been through, I believe via much other reading that many people with BPD can get to a healthy place, albeit with years of work. I'm really interested in getting feedback on this. Thanks.

So I'm young in my recent history of dealing with a dpwBPD that I dated for 3.5 years and was finally dumped by her last August w/recycle attempts all around Christmas time so take this FWIW. 

First, you would have to decide if this person is really worth investing the effort in to staying with knowing that BPD isn't "cured" and it would be years of therapy and rollercoaster rides to even get somewhat of a resemblance of a "balanced" life.  I (personally) would not want to make that decision about my ex when I still have strong emotional ties to her (i.e., love) because then my rational thoughts are very skewed.  For I could not be a bf/spouse for this woman ever again after the way that I was treated with what I had done to make the r/s work. 

The only way that I would want to have contact with mine ever again is after several YEARS of NC and the total withdrawal of any emotion/feelings towards her.  I.e., if I could meet her feeling totally neutral towards her and also with the knowledge that she has invested the time and the effort in to controlling her BPD, then I *might* be open for a sit down with her but even then I would be very concerned about ripping open those old wounds.

No, I'm learning that there are "healthy" people out there that I would much rather invest my time and emotions with.  I will leave the one with BPD to the professionals and let them work it out.  And no, I don't feel guilty at all for tossing a "friend" like that because was really never a friend to me (despite the constant "you're my BEST friend".  I wish her the best but I want no part of her again and NC is the only way to keep ME sane and healthy. 

[Johnny Alias]

I guess it depends on everyone's experience. My ex has trashed most of her old friendships by drunkenly raging at them. She was my "best friend", but she lied to me, screamed at me, put me down... . why would I want this cruel person anywhere near me?  The good times are over and if I'm objective I have to question if she was doing something altruistically or manipulatively.

Detaching in my mind means obtaining a state of indifference. Leaving your emotions behind and moving on.  For many of us the BPD in our lives caused so much chaos we suffer from varying levels if PTSD.

No offense to anyone here, but I cannot conceive of how keeping a bomb primed to go off in your face at any time is helping you detach. You're still creating new experiences with them.

Detaching means letting go... . But are you really letting go if you're waiting for them to call or write you back?  Maybe I'm wrong on this but I feel like new experiences healthy people therapy and memories fading are the best ways to emotionally detach. Keeping the flame lit... . However low... . Invites recycling.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, true detachment is indifference. There is no anger left, it's over.

I can actually look at some of the good times we had together and cherish them. It does not hurt like it used to. I'm close to completely detaching. Phew! Took me eight months to get here, and it's been a lot of hard work.

The only times I did communicate with my ex husband hurt me terribly. I never want to go back there again, he is not a sane person, he hates everyone and everything.

So glad that's over... .

[Ceide]

Johnny Alias, what you said about PTSD really caught my eye.  Before I found this site, I googled PTSD because I suspected I was suffering from it.  I read how meditation and yoga helped vets with PTSD, so I started doing yoga/meditation.  It's definitely helped. 

Finding this site has helped.  I keep saying I wish I found it two years ago.  One of the things I need to heal from is my anger at how much time I've been in pain and angry.  (Ha - angry at time spent being angry.)  I'm better than I was, but still have room for improvement. 

I have a very analytical mind so understanding the disorder helps me to detach.  Understanding how I got into a relationship with a udpwBPD, healing my own past "stuff" so I don't do this to myself again, is my goal.

And Perfidy - your "so close to Nirvana I'm going to levitate" comment made me laugh out loud!  Thanks - I needed that 

[mgl210]

Its hard for someone like me(I am sure I am not the only one) to detach from the situation with so much invested.  My ex also has PTSD... . It is because of her so called sexual assault that happened to her almost 20 years ago. She has had nothing but bad experiences with therapists. I have had nothing but bad experiences with them as well.

I am surviving. I know that there will be another time I will hear from her again. I have no doubt in my mind.

[monqui]

Thanks In_n_Out for your thoughtful response. I'm questioning myself on staying in contact. Although I think it's natural/normal to want to know this person you cared about & heartbreakingly watched fall part is doing ok. Firstly, it's clear to me I need to be super clear/honest with her & let her know if she's staying in contact to rekindle a relationship, we should maintain a distance. I now know she got the diagnosis, and is in therapy and very serious about it & wanting to live a healthy life. But honestly how likely is it to move on when you're still in contact with the last person you were intimate with? Even if we can be friends in the future, it's probably a good idea to have a long break. She's got her journey, & mine is separate.

Also, I made a typo. I meant NOT below- geez, I hope that's not a subconscious slip:

And aren't there ways to stay in contact, limited or writing only, that may be healthy for both parties as long as they're *NOT* looked at as a means to reestablish a romantic partnership?