red flags from the start or amazing no issues at first?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So many people talk about how things were perfect in the beginning of their relationship with their BPD ex.

But honestly, there were red flags from the start with mine.

Thoughts?

[tango1492]

So many people talk about how things were perfect in the beginning of their relationship with their BPD ex.

But honestly, there were red flags from the start with mine.

Thoughts?

[mgl210]

I think I should have noticed the first major red flag... . Within not even a day of talking, she already wanted to meet me?Esp when she told me that she had a bad experience of meeting someone offline who "took advantage of her and got her pregnant and induced a miscarriage... . "


Being a goodhearted person, I think I tried to overlook that as a bad experience on her end and that she just needed to meet the right guy and based on our conversation that she and I would be happily ever after... .

Yeah... . there are red flags... We just choose to ignore them... .

MGL

[sadinnc98]

Mine seemed like a fairytale in a way because there were TONS of good things... . but really loaded with red flags. We had a "song" after our first date, 5 gifts delivered after first date in one week, major pressure for an immediate commitment, outward expressions of him being "lonely, depressed, anxious" but I chalked it up to all of his "poor relationships" that I heard about on date one... . all of this just continued to worsen and escalate... .

[mgl210]

I guess another red flag I should have noticed is that when I asked her if she should mention to her parents were she was... . " Oh its okay. I am sure they could care less where I am at." Imagine my fear when I had to call her dad on memorial day weekend to tell him... "Umm Mr. __ your daughter is at this psychiatric hospital and she needs your assistance to get out... "

Yeah... . an idiot waiting to be truly exposed

MGL

[Cimbaruns]

The first months were absolutely wonderful no doubt... .

I was hooked , lined, and sinkered after the first few dates... .

I look back now and the water was a minefield of red flags... . I don't think I saw any of them for quite some time... . makes me feel ridiculous now... .    Wow

But yes.   Lots of   

[Tausk]

It's the mirroring in the idealization phase.  The highs are so intense, the feeling of finally finding a soul mate, the perfection of someone who understands me, who gets it, who will be with me forever... . So all the other things that are   get overlooked by us.  It's a common response.

In part it's because we are being mirrored.  And in our minds, we couldn't accept the red flags such as a lack of self.  In fact, partners of pwBPD have such a defined sense of self, that the red flag of a lack of self just doesn't register.   

Poster 2010's classic abandoned child/lonely child interaction dynamics describes much of the process.  The good news is that it's not uncommon to disregard the  , and it just means that we belong on this board to help us work through our issues. 

It's important for me to forgive myself for the past because I didn't understand myself or the Disorder.  But, that also means I take responsibility for my future  because now I understand that there's an internal cause that permitted the destruction in the past.   Today, I have the opportunity to change, and now I refuse to repeat my mistakes.

Good thread

T

[Johnny Alias]

If you get objective they are there... .

My exBPD got drunk and RAGED on her mom while we were in a car a month or so after we had been dating.  I told her to knock it off or drop me off.  She was also cheating on her husband at the time... . how's that for a red flag?  Oh and a big time drinker... . and shortly after we moved in together the rages started and she broke into my phone and facebook and accused me of cheating on her.       

I went out with a very attractive woman last friday.  Always had a crush lust for her... . then she grabbed my hands and said she could feel the energy and pain i still had over the loss of my mom years ago in very tragic circumstances.  She was almost writhing.  THAT IS ALSO A RED FLAG! 

Another woman I went out with recently told me she had VERY bad circumstances growing up with an abusive step father, an estranged father, and a mom that is diagnosed HPD.     

Just listen to your brain and not your nether region.  It knows something is wrong when you raise an eye brow. 

[chuckstrong]

Tango et al.

It was BOTH for me as well... . the beginning in the idealization/honeymoon/mirroring stage was SO incredible i chose to ignore all the red flags... . I was head over heels... . and sickeningly 17 months post break up of a 1 year RS im still struggling some just about every day even now... .

... . a couple of the very early red flags i ignored were as follows: she told me ILY 4 weeks after our first date, she went to a previously planned wedding a week after we met (with the poor guy who was b4 me) and texted me a pic of herself at the wedding with the caption " wanna tap this?" , and a few months later while things couldnt have been better i got her glorious proclamation that " i need to warn you that all my relationships end badly and i end them all"... . I said--- not gonna happen this time sweetie ILY and you love me so much... .

Wow. How right she was and how amazingly similar all our stories are here... . can anyone else here relate to those red flags/honeymoon occuring at the same time?

I havent heard from her since an xmas eve text and i pray everyday to get over this someday soon but sure doesn't feel like it will EVER happen... . God bless everyone here... . its SO SO hard. Ugh.

Chuck

[Johnny Alias]

Hang in there Chuck.  It's hard.  I know man.  Really. 

I made a list of things I need to do for myself and I HIGHLY recommend it.  I'm putting on 10 pounds of muscle at the gym, remodeling chunks of my house, trying to finish a book I started writing YEARS ago, and my dog and I going to start volunteering at childrens hospitals as soon as I get him certified. 

I also met a very attractive woman at a party recently.  She was playing with the kids and showed me pics of her remodeling her house and tearing down walls.  Now my guard is definitely up, but she seems like a MUCH healthier person than my ex.  Has a job, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink to excess, has goals... .

They do exist I think.  But if we never open ourselves up to meeting them then it won't happen. 

It's okay to like excitement, but for these women it is DRAMA that they want.  That warning about all her relationships failing?  WHOA.  And I feel for you.  I didn't blink twice on the fact that I was cheating with a married woman whose husband had just gotten over cancer.  She painted him as a monster which she's done to me now.  She also used to say she got along with him perfectly and her ex bf before that.  BS.  Her ex friends have told me she fought with them CONSTANTLY. 

It'll get better.  Focus on you for a change.  Really.  I have up days and down days too believe me.   

[CoasterRider]

I think how GREAT it was in the begining should have been the biggest  of all. There is an old adage, "if its too good to be true, than it usually is"

For me it was that he lived with his parents at 24, first date he told me about his terrible ex and all the aweful things he did, first week he brought me chocolate covered strawberries. After the first two weeks I was "the boy" Two months in, he brought up the conversation of what title we were to each other, I told him Im more interested in feelings than words (titles) He never brought it up again, and started referring to be as the boyfriend thus after. He pretty much sorta moved himself in to my house after 2 months. I had a gut instinct he was only after surface things, not developing a real deep bond.

Moving along, he never would bring up important things or concerns to my face, he would leave the house and text them. When I tried to talk to him in person, he would shut down or say he just needed to vent them and they werent issues anymore.

He would loose it over mention of anyone from my past, be they relationship partners or casual flings, or even people I went on 1 date with and stayed friends, or even people I never dated. If they were male and from my past, they equaled a huge threat in his mind.

I felt bad for him, and I vowed to be "Better" and "different" than everyone else. Fell right into the trap.

[Dutched]

Not only thoughts, Tango   

r/s lasted 3+ decades, so it’s better in a kind of telegram style the first decade.  For the “full” version please

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216147.0

Met each other, she 17, I was 20. Bit shy, unsure of herself, good looking.

After 9 months she had a quarrel with her parents, left her family home in that outburst    

Nowhere to go, came to my parents and we lived within my family (not “normal” anyway) 9 yrs.

Cut all contacts with her friends     

After 1 yr. we bumped into her sister. Told her sister to leave her alone, no contact   

Didn't want under any circumstances contact with her parents/family for a 10yrs.

Got our own home,  flaws began, mood swings, contradictions in saying and doing. Still nothing to worry about, at least with my knowledge then.  grrr… 

In fact it seemed a quite “steady evolution” in a 25 yrs. No cheating at all (nor from me). She became over controlling. Kids were hers… not mine, until problem solving. I was crazy (but was diagnosed by my Psychologist so she couldn’t use that argument anymore. ).   

The most hurting was: I shall destroy everything dearest, even your r/s with the kids!

Yes, truly high functioning, professional successful, etc.

Red flags, enough. However "in thoses days" at that age, who could have been aware of it. Where to find info, where to aks questions.

I am glad about the awareness of today, easy access to info.     

I refer to the article “how a borderline relationship evolves” on this site. Mentioned is that I can take years to “evolve”.

Further, applicable for me and others overhere with a r/s for a 25+ yrs. a part of a text I found 

  Abrupt departures during mid-life are particularly significant, because while she could have been exhibiting borderline symptoms for decades, these may become far more pronounced during marked hormonal changes, such as pre- or peri-menopause… . which can easily catalyze more acting-out behaviors and

[Johnny Alias]

The HIGH FUNCTIONING ones truly scare me in my future.  Mine was 100% train wreck.  Alcoholic, junkie, no job, debt, failed relationships, failed friendships, constant drama, health problems... . and unmitigated disaster. 

She's also in her mid 40s and her hot looks are melting away due to constant partying, poor diet, and no working out. 

For that I consider myself LUCKY.  Those looks were about the only hooks she had left after 4 years of drunken abuse. 

It's the new ones I worry about... . I acknowledge that a breakup is likely with anyone in the future, but if we have kids don't turn me into a villain.  My sympathies Dutch. 

[tiredndown]

There were plenty of red flags when my wife and I met, and throughout the entire relationship. I was to scared of being alone to actually act on any of them. Yeah, I had issues. I guess I should be thankful to her for me resolving or at least working on MY issues.

[mitchell16]

the begining was great. but the red flags started popping up with in 6 weeks. I ignored them and she was able to convince me that it was all me. and at first i bought into it. I was just coming off of a divorce and had alot of left over guilt. The exBPDgf is a therapist and i discussed my guilt with her and she was able to use it against me. but the red flags were there, with in 6 weeks I saw her fist rage, I rember thinking to myself that her anger of the sitituion was totally unresonable. When i confronted her with that, she said she felt like I was critzing her and she had issues from her father critzinig her, her whole life and also her first ex husband also critized her. I wrote it off as, she had an issue here and it wasnt her fault. I deicded that i just needed to be more understanding. This was some of my left over guilt from my marriage, my ex said I was never an understanding person. so Here I was I was going to me more understanding, see other peoples issues and be more understanding. The next rage session she pulled was over me asking her why she was late. I wasnt acussing her of anything I was just asking out of general cursoity and concern. she told me and what she told me didnt make a bit of sense. I said excatly that " that dont make sense" i thought I wasnt following her correctly or I misunderstood. I said it in a non accustory tone I was very calm I wasnt made or upset. she flew into rage of how she was tired of being accused and how her daddy was always accusing of her of things. this was from a 50 year old women. But once again I took the blame. so the red flags were there but I ignored them. Of course she idolized me, sex was off the charts, I was the best thing she ever found, I was the man she prayed for etc... . this was also part of why i ignored the red flags.

[mini_vanilli]

First date she drove 3 hours and told nobody to meet me. Said she was abused as a kid 3 hours into the date.

Slept with me on second date. Her one tattoo on her arm turned into 7-8 tattoos all over her body.

Third date she got totally drunk, we ran into he ex at bar. She raged on him and got carried out by bouncer. Her ex came to me and said "good luck with the crazy biatch dude!"

The day after bar scene she sent me an email professing her undying love for me.

Fourth date she reveals she has been on Prozac and SIX MILLIGRAMS of Xanax daily while drinking heavily the past 10 years.

Fifth date she says she was fired from her job she had for 2 months.

Sixth date she breaks down crying telling me how she had her father arrested and put in prison for six months for punching her in the face while on bath salts. He got out right before we met.

Month in she wants to move in together.

I find out she has attempted suicide at least twice and committed at least once the year prior.

THIS IS ONE MONTH... . this went on for a year... . and progressively got worse... .

[Turkish]

Push-pull and the clinginess from week 1. I remember being angry after our first date and then she said she wasn't ready for a r/s (? who said anything about a r/s?), and that she just wanted to be friends. I was mad and thought about just telling her to keep our distance, as much as we could volunteering for the same youth program for the next 8 months. But then I got a text, "do you want to see this new movie?" I remember staring at my phone going, "don't do it, ignore or just a short, no thanks," but then, "what do I have to lose?" "give love a chance!" came out of somewhere in the recesses of my child mind, and I said yes.

A month or so later, constantly hanging out, and even taking her away for a platonic weekend getaway, we were in a real r/s, which she defines as actually sleeping with someone. The beginning was a two month whirlwind full of red flags ("with me, you get both heaven and hell". 6 Years and two kids later, almost to the week, here I am.

[Tincup]

Red flags yes.  We had a not so great first date, and she asked me for a second one while walking to the car.  On the first date she told me in DETAIL what I was wearing the two times we were in a social event together at least a year before I really knew her.  She said she loved me and pushed for a commitment within a 3 dates or so.  About two dates after that she RAGED at me over text because I was out with friends and my cell phone died and she tried to text me.  That was the first time I ever saw that was rage and anger coming from one person in my life, and it was over my cell phone's dead battery.

[Popcorn71]

Plenty of red flags but unfortunately I didn't notice or subconsciously chose to ignore them  :'(

  Only 4 months out of a 23 year marriage (his ex was a monster who left him?)

  Offered to buy me a car after our first date

  Pressured me into sleeping with him on our third date even though I didn't really want to

  Stayed for the night on our third date and practically moved in after that

  Told me he loved me after 2 weeks

  Asked me to marry him after 2 months (while still married to his ex)

  Forgot to tell me that he had been married twice (not the once I knew about)

  Wanted to spend ALL his free time with me

  His daughter warned me that he had not treated her mother the same way he was treating me and eventually he would show his true colours

  I knew of his violent past but he swore he had changed now he was older

  Lots of 'friends' who seemed to drop out of his life after a few weeks

  He had major issues with his mother and eventually stopped all contact with her

  His own family, including 4 brothers, didn't seem to want much to do with him

  He wanted me to change the clothes I wore for ones he liked better

  He told me he was 'training me' out of any habits or ways I had that he didn't like

  He was critical of my body but then told me he loved me anyway

  He often pointed out how lucky I was to have him and that I wouldn't find anyone else to love me like he did

  He woke me up in the middle of the night once and called me vile names and told me I didn't even love my own mother and would never be able to love anyone.  He denied all recollection of this the next day.

All these were within the first year - why oh why didn't I take any notice?

[allweareisallweare]

There's a few things purported or assumed on this board; obviously, an  experience of BPD is subjective and unique. Red-flags are red-flags, oc they've face-value indicators of bad BPD behavior, they indicate that our spouse isn't consistent with what can be considered normal - they are 'disordered' and that will be impactful. But red-flags aren't necessarily 'ignored' - I mean, how many saw it as a blow to the relationship when they were hoisted to the mast? Come, now, nobody here saw that red flag billowing in the wind and carried on as normal as they were before they saw it; I'm sure your feelings were altered to some degree. I know it depends on the severity, and of course multiple red flags is definitely leading to destruction, as we can see, because they spell B-D-P, but really, I acknowledged every red flag - right down to the one where she said: "Right, I have BPD." and I was prepared - because I loved her and because I think, although they were red flags, I mean bad ones, you think 'ah we can do this despite... . ' but I think that's the worst thing, you either ignore such things - although I never - and then feel bad later; or you take them on board and it just runs you down, never mind the behavior.  I just know, as far as RFs go, I never ignored any, I look back and I know they're manifestations of a diagnosed illness, I just tried to deal with them at the time, whilst each one was a cut on me.

[tango1492]

 

Push-pull from day one with me too. He told me after the first time we slept together that he thought I was too sexual and he wouldn't be able to trust me. Odd- considering that he was talking about making a baby the first time we had sex.

I said ok, we didn't talk for a few days, then he starts texting. We hang out again, hook up again, same things happens. He pushes me away.

Then he texts me a few days later and from then on we were together.

He insisted by week 3 of dating that we exchange email passwords to establish "trust".

He told me soon into dating that he'd seen a therapist who told him that anytime he's in a relationship he should be in therapy.

He told me he's never trusted a woman that he really loves.

He "quit drinking" for a month during the 1st month we met. Then started back up.

He agreed to see a relationship therapist just a couple months into dating. We went 3 times, then he decided he didn't like the therapist so we stopped.

He came in from work after a couple months of dating to find me and my 6 yr old kid snuggled on the couch. He went straight to his room. I asked him what was wrong and he said he's uncomfortable with PDA (public displays of affection). Since when does snuggling with your little kid on the couch count as PDA?

If I left a bra hanging in the bathroom after a shower, he would take it out saying that he was worried my 6 yr old son would "sexualize" it. This fear coming from the fact that my uPBD ex had a huge Oedipus complex as a teen (had major sexual fantasies about his mom).

Yet I chose to ignore this stuff. Why? He's high functioning, great job, great looking, and he "worshiped" me---that is... . when he wasn't berating me for my sexual past or checking my email and phone.

[nolisan]

In our one year of friendship prior to r/s

- Was a "wild child", ran away and witnessed a murder on the street

- Her mother Hated her

- she had Complex PTSD

- was Pan-Sexual

- was a pagan witch

- one daughter had gone NC - called her mom "totally insane" (I really should have paid attention to that one)

- couldn't keep a job

- constant victim mode - everything was everyone else's fault

- constant bragging - everyone one else was stupid

... . and I still fell in love with her - yikes.