She thinks I don't love her...

[rubyhammer]

My dBPDw of almost 8 years has told me countless times over the years that she doesn't believe I love her…that if I loved her I would do this or that or x or y (depending on her complaints about me at the time).

     I feel that I've given my very best to our relationship and recently I've been having trouble with the thought that no matter what I do or who I am or how I change myself, she will never believe that I actually do love her.

     Since discovering BPD a few months ago, I've decided that I will not change myself to try to make her love me, nor will I do things to try to make her love me, but instead I will change myself in ways that I feel are healthy and do things that I want or need to do.

     So my question is, has anyone else felt this way or been in a similar situation, and what was the outcome?  How do you deal with it?

Thanks!

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[Kifazes]

Hi there

I'm so sorry to hear all of this.

But, I'm so familiar with that!

At first, in the beginning of our relationship, my BPDbf, thought I was still in love with my ex. I wasn't, but couldn't convince him. When I asked why he would still be with me if he thought I didn't love him as much as my ex, he replied "at least I have you to myself". (should have seen red flags right there)

Then, for years, he kept saying that I didn't love him. But only when he was in a "good mood". When he got dysregulated, he would say that this relationship could not work because I loved him more than he loved me. At that point I started to disengage the conversations about that topic.

The recent thing is "you want me to kill myself". So now, I do not only not love him, but I want him to make an end to his life. I asked again why he would stay with me if he thought so badly about me, and he replied "I can't leave you, I love you too much".

So, that's my experience.

Just as you I came to the conclusion that no matter what I do, how patient I am, ... . he will never see that I love him, or feel loved. I used to give him examples of things that I did to make him see that I love him. But then we got to double standards, everytime. So I stopped explaining and talking about it.

I'm now at the point that I really am disconnected from him.

Cause, it doesn't matter what we do, they'll always think that what they are feeling, are facts. And I'm too exhausted and tired of playing that game :-)

Now you know how it went down here, and what the outcome is. I hope I could help you out a bit :-)

Take care! And find your own happy place :-)

[Theo41]

I get this Periodically over the years. My guess it comes from two things:

1. She believes that because of her disregulated behavior she is unlovable . (many who know us say "How can u put up with that? I couldn't , not for a minute."

2. Because of the frequent splitting /disregulation I have drawn back and am guarded.

She feels my distance from her and interprets it as lack of love.

That's my experience and thinking  Hope it helps. You are not alone . Theo

[rubyhammer]

Thanks for the replies, Kifazes and Theo41!  It's good to hear other people's similar experiences.

Theo41 said, "I have drawn back and am guarded."

Kifazes said, "I'm now at the point that I really am disconnected from him."

I couldn't help but notice how similar these two statements are and how they both resemble the feeling I have inside myself.  I feel that I must stay at least one step back from her to protect myself, but that distance is, like Theo41 said, interpreted by her as a lack of love.

It's a frustrating circle, indeed!

Thanks for sharing! 

[tiredndown]

ruby, Tuff question... .

Do you love HER, or do you love what she TRIES to be? Do you love the IDEA of being in love with someone who truly is your equal?

[Seneca]

mega dittos on everyone's comments. "you don't love me, if you did you wouldn't make me feel so X" i realize that he cannot receive what I give, and no matter how many logical examples of my love I will give to him, he is incapable of seeing otherwise. He doesn't feel my love. They don't feel your love because they don't feel love within themselves. essentially pwBPD all want the same thing - to feel whole, happy and safe. And they want you to do that for them. But you can't, it's impossible. So they will accuse you of essentially not caring or trying hard enough. but no matter what you do, it is truly never enough. so at some point, you just have to give up on it.

[tiredndown]

I tend to believe LOVE to someone with BPD is something defined much differently to them, then how NONs would define it.

[ATLandon]

I have also been with my wife for over 8 years now and every single day she needs to hear me say "I love you" at least a dozen times. As well as having me prove it to her. Her sense of unhappiness and internal loneliness knows no end. There is always something new that she needs to buy, experience, or change in order to fill the void. It took me a long time to realize that nothing (including the best of myself) was ever going to make her happy.

I'm in the process now of re-learning to take care of myself and prioritize my needs. It's a baby steps process and it feels so odd to even look back it what I just wrote and think, "who should have to re-learn that?" Trust me, you are not alone.

[Kifazes]

Like Seneca said; at some point, you just have to give up on it.

I'm right there. Whatever I decide to do, won't change a thing.

And just as ATLandon, I'm re-learning those things, and at the moment it comes easily to me (probably because I have so many other things that are far more important than trying to make my BPDbf believe that I love him).

I'm in a happy place at the moment, which ofcourse he doesn't like.

This one I felt the need to share here.

Today I got a new one from him: It's obvious that you don't love me, there you are doing your own things, solving your own problems, and you don't even ask me for help.

Which in the past, never worked out for me. He would try to help, sure. But when I don't share his point of view, or don't do exactly as he says, I don't live him because I don't follow his advice. Now I don't ask him for help, and yet again, I don't love him.

Vicious cycle