Hard to trust that he won't leave again

[Vanityvanity]

We are back together but it keeps stalling, because I can't believe he won't walk out again. Last time we were apart for two months and I went through hell. When I feel myself getting close to him now, I pull back because I don't want to feel that pain again if he leaves me. He says he won't, but that's meaningless.

Also I find myself trying too hard to please and then afterwards getting resentful. I thought I could stop doing that but it seems like an instinct - reassure him, keep him, be nice.

I hardly see him, either. He does have some valid reasons for this (role in caring for elderly parents: his father is 89 and ill and, he says, gets anxious if he isn't there at night, especially since his father's sister just died). Also my partner is having a pretty big breakdown, probably, I think, because he lives with his parents and that's for obvious reasons rocky right now. So he can't stay with me, I can't go to his (I hate it there and have decided I will not) and we just have short times together now.

I have myself a life-long fear of being abandoned and this just feeds into it so much. I feel like I'm talking to him so much about it that he might just go because of that.

I am exhausted and very depressed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pixiecat]

Sorry I don't have any good advice for you, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.  I do understand how you feel though.

Have you thought about finding someone who you can talk to about your own feelings with?

[tabular]

Hi vanity,

Oh I understand you too well. Mine is not back YET, but he has already managed to leave me twice and I wonder if we get back together how it is going to feel to me. I also don't like being thrown away like a piece of garbage just because I fold under stress and let him have it after days and days of passive-aggression from him.

What I can tell you: QUE SERA, SERA. Don't make your happiness dependent on another person. Just live your life to the fullest and if he is there - good, if not - good as well.

[Chosen]

I have myself a life-long fear of being abandoned and this just feeds into it so much. I feel like I'm talking to him so much about it that he might just go because of that.

Hi Vanityvanity,

I understand how that feels.  It's completely exhausting and of course it makes you feel insecure.  It has happened to me before.  However, first I would encourage you to tackle your fear of abandonment first, as for pwBPDS, the more insecure you are, the more they run away- it gives them way too much responsibility, and they're not ready for it.  If anything, they may run away because they don't want to fail.

Also, it may be useless to say this, but as mentioned, it is not under our control.  Whether he comes back or not is not within your control.  It may not feel this way, but it's true.  When he leaves he usually will give you a million reasons why you suck- but they were probably there when you were first together, and he still chose to be with you.  So basically he's just looking for reasons to justify himself.  He's an adult, and if he wants to d osomething, nobody can stop him.

But you have to learn to be happy independently too.  Not saying that you're happy he's gone, just that your world won't come crumbling down once he's not around.  You need to create a safe environment for him as well.  Take care.

[Vanityvanity]

Things have changed... . we have been together a few weeks, taking it slowly. Valentine's Day was dull, and as we lay together I remembered how I'd lain in that bed alone, crying and crying because he'd left me. Later when he was gone, something unconnected happened that reminded me very forcibly of the night he left me and was gone for two months - all the emotions came back from that awful night.

And over the past few days I've felt more and more sick of him. I don't want to see him and talk it over. I am tired and angry and I just cannot be bothered any more. He left me alone for two months and he thinks he can come back and be a bit nice briefly and it'll all be like it was before? Oh, the arrogance of it! Go to hell.

I was so happy and relieved when he came back. Now I just feel angry and exhausted. I feel, today, as if the love has gone off like a light being switched off - I feel that sort of edgy, aggrieved feeling I used to have when I had to deal with an ex who still had feelings for me when I had none whatsoever. He (my boyfriend) was on the phone last night and I could hear myself just pretending I was happy when I wasn't - just saying the right thing so he'd finally stop talking and GO AWAY. I could hear his parents' voices in the background and they made my flesh creep. Ugh. UGH! about him and his family and his problems and all of it - just GO AWAY!

The fact is I'm very lonely and isolated and I'll probably start yearning for him again soon enough. Not now. I feel a vague unease about having to speak to him on the phone tomorrow, and I feel very sad indeed when I think of how I used to feel and how much hope and certainty I had - but nothing else.

I do expect this will change back though. It's weird. Never expected to feel like this at all. I wonder if it's common?

[bustedstuff]

I understand exactly how you feel! While I don't have any really great advice to give because I'm currently dealing with a similar situation with my pwBPD (she used to run away from the relationship when she felt too vulnerable and exposed to me, fear of losing control of her emotions I suppose), and it still haunts me today. I also have felt a lot of that resentment, too, but I think it was because I was trying too hard to please her to avoid triggering any conflict or provoking her to leave. Once I stopped doing it for the sake of avoiding arguments and worked on communicating more efficiently instead, I've felt a lot less resentment towards her and toward myself for doing that. I think it has helped me a little though to try to forgive her for leaving and understand why she did what she did.

Like Chosen said, it's very important not to invest all of your happiness in another person. That is something else that has helped me greatly in minimizing the amount of animosity I sometimes had toward my pwBPD.

I hope things improve, though! I know it can be hard, and I do think it may be a pretty common thing. At the very least, know you're not alone in that experience!