missing my BPD Girlfriend Again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I am 63, but very young for my age, and about 2 1/2 years ago met my BPD, yes many break ups over 2 1/2 years and all the yelling and screaming (and hitting) by her, and wild accusation etc, but like many also very loving (well more physical then caring)  and fun times, and quiet times.  She has all the issues etc, and well it's been 8 months since I seen her, but we did talk about 2 1/2 month as ago and told me how it was all her fault, and she was a bhit and kept pushing me away, and did some mean things and she trying to understand why etc, and wants me back and loves me dearly.  She been married 3 times, engaged 4, and isolated from her brothers & sisters, in fact the whole family, except her daughters.  No friends, and so all the warning signs.  Hates her dad, and the Mom has emotional problems according to her. 

Anyway, I almost gave in, but didn't .

In the meantime I meant this wonderful girl, and we been going out for 8 months, and well,  I should have let myself heal first but she was so pretty and young looking for her age, and really cares for me and sweet.  I do care for her, but thoughts of my BPD are troubling me.

I know, I know, so why do I want to go back, to someone that I gave my everything only to see it get crushed again, especially with this wonderful girl.  Nothing I could do ever pleased her.  I mean maybe for a bit, but then she turn and out of the blue and just rage.

I guess, my BPD was exciting, and exceptionally sensual and has a great figure, etc. etc.  And so, it's that physical and emotion chemistry that keeps me trapped, and yes, there are times of super clarity, where I review the bad things and cruel things she would do even when I was helping her. 

all my friends say stay away, she'll ruin you and do the same thing again, and worst, and I lived that first hand after break ups only to see her return to rain hell down on me over stupid stuff. 

But that apology where she admitted all the wrong doing still has me a bit frozen.  That's a bit unusual isn't it?

I know she is not cured, and I know she will be who she is but sometimes I think maybe she had a break through and realizes things about herself and if I could except some of the crap knowing she maybe really loves me, (but not be abused) and if she can work on it herself, to at least recognize or reduce the inflammation of her attacks maybe we could make it. 

Then I am reminded by many that I don't know how to act under a normal loving relationship, that doesn't have those peaks and valleys or that great pull etc.  Then I think about my new love and when she meets my family and friends and they just love her, she so out going and they think she is great. 

So is that what it is.  Missing the excitement of my BPD touch and the back and forth?  Its a bad drug I know, but it so damn hard.  I just know I felt so alive and felt so in love with her, but of course I remember feeling so miserable, exhausted  and mistreated.  So isolated, a treated like a dog being hit with a rolled up newspaper, and then all her crazy talk and action at times and we weren't even living together. I mean, we be at a nice restaurant holding hands and looking into each other eyes, and BAM, she go into some anger issue!  I mean just like that!

Thanks for listening,  I need strength.  I know that doing the right thing is not always the easiest.  understatement!

This stinks, and I truly care for the girl I am with, she is a sweetheart, and many guys would loved to be with her.  She smart, non drinker, loves to dance, great kissers, financial set, and has a nice family and friends.  Very caring and religious person. 

After I wrote this, I know, I fell crazy! but the pull is so darn compelling like we belong, no matter what.  Ugh!

[outside9x]

Hi,

I am 63, but very young for my age, and about 2 1/2 years ago met my BPD, yes many break ups over 2 1/2 years and all the yelling and screaming (and hitting) by her, and wild accusation etc, but like many also very loving (well more physical then caring)  and fun times, and quiet times.  She has all the issues etc, and well it's been 8 months since I seen her, but we did talk about 2 1/2 month as ago and told me how it was all her fault, and she was a bhit and kept pushing me away, and did some mean things and she trying to understand why etc, and wants me back and loves me dearly.  She been married 3 times, engaged 4, and isolated from her brothers & sisters, in fact the whole family, except her daughters.  No friends, and so all the warning signs.  Hates her dad, and the Mom has emotional problems according to her. 

Anyway, I almost gave in, but didn't .

In the meantime I meant this wonderful girl, and we been going out for 8 months, and well,  I should have let myself heal first but she was so pretty and young looking for her age, and really cares for me and sweet.  I do care for her, but thoughts of my BPD are troubling me.

I know, I know, so why do I want to go back, to someone that I gave my everything only to see it get crushed again, especially with this wonderful girl.  Nothing I could do ever pleased her.  I mean maybe for a bit, but then she turn and out of the blue and just rage.

I guess, my BPD was exciting, and exceptionally sensual and has a great figure, etc. etc.  And so, it's that physical and emotion chemistry that keeps me trapped, and yes, there are times of super clarity, where I review the bad things and cruel things she would do even when I was helping her. 

all my friends say stay away, she'll ruin you and do the same thing again, and worst, and I lived that first hand after break ups only to see her return to rain hell down on me over stupid stuff. 

But that apology where she admitted all the wrong doing still has me a bit frozen.  That's a bit unusual isn't it?

I know she is not cured, and I know she will be who she is but sometimes I think maybe she had a break through and realizes things about herself and if I could except some of the crap knowing she maybe really loves me, (but not be abused) and if she can work on it herself, to at least recognize or reduce the inflammation of her attacks maybe we could make it. 

Then I am reminded by many that I don't know how to act under a normal loving relationship, that doesn't have those peaks and valleys or that great pull etc.  Then I think about my new love and when she meets my family and friends and they just love her, she so out going and they think she is great. 

So is that what it is.  Missing the excitement of my BPD touch and the back and forth?  Its a bad drug I know, but it so damn hard.  I just know I felt so alive and felt so in love with her, but of course I remember feeling so miserable, exhausted  and mistreated.  So isolated, a treated like a dog being hit with a rolled up newspaper, and then all her crazy talk and action at times and we weren't even living together. I mean, we be at a nice restaurant holding hands and looking into each other eyes, and BAM, she go into some anger issue!  I mean just like that!

Thanks for listening,  I need strength.  I know that doing the right thing is not always the easiest.  understatement!

This stinks, and I truly care for the girl I am with, she is a sweetheart, and many guys would loved to be with her.  She smart, non drinker, loves to dance, great kissers, financial set, and has a nice family and friends.  Very caring and religious person. 

After I wrote this, I know, I fell crazy! but the pull is so darn compelling like we belong, no matter what.  Ugh!

[Tausk]

Hey Outside:

I'm sorry you're going through withdrawal.  It's sucks to be Jonesin over anything.  Why are you craving her?  The same answer as why a heroin junkie craves the smack even though he knows it will ruin him.

And have no doubts, if you go back you will lose the partner you currently have and lose any hope of long term trust with her, you will lose yourself, your dignity, maybe your money, and potentially your freedom from the legal system.

I know, I've been there.  I only have been able to go No Contact after understanding the Disorder some more, and by being absolutely honest with myself and my feelings of self worth.

It has only been after I understood my feelings of inadequacy, and that I began to believe that I really deserve better, and that I don't need the ego boost to my fractured self esteem that I was able to stay away.

Are you seeing counseling?  It helped me a great deal.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but hear a relapse in the words you are writing.  I know that when I broke no contact in the past, I had rationalized my behavior and decided a course of action long before I actually engaged.  I had to be sick and tire of being sick and tired and realize that my shallow and fragile ego would only move me into the insanity of the BPD fantasy before I was actually able to stop.

And it's only after I've been able to move on and deal with my issues, that have I been truly able to look at myself and others in the eye with real self pride and substance.

I hope for the best for you

T

[outside9x]

Thanks,

I was getting counseling but moved about 6 month ago and now to far to see who I was seeing and trying to see someone else though works been hard (new job new career a year ago) but it will ease up, and I am grateful to be working and making a good living.  I was at my old company for 27 years, so lots of new things.

Anyway you are right about things, like  its  what's inside me that causes that need, and I really don't want to lose this girl I am with because I do care for her deeply and she is something else from every angle.

Yes, it is like a drug, that we crave, knowing or fooling ourselves that maybe this time it will be ok.

Thanks for your support, taking that poison  will kill a lot of thing but mostly me!.

Thanks again

[Learning_curve74]

Hey outside9x, what you're expressing is very common among many people here. It sounds like you've found a really nice great gal but you're missing the intensity of the BPD relationship. The intense feelings, both good and bad, serve to help bond us in these types of relationships. A strong feeling of attachment isn't necessarily a healthy one though.

Sometimes we easily mistake intensity for intimacy. Do you feel as if you're missing the intensity or the intimacy with your new girl? What do you feel is missing from your new relationship? If you could change three things about it, what are the three things you'd change?

[outside9x]

Hi Learning curve.

I guess what I am missing is shallow.  We are know we are treated poorly and raged at etc.  My BPD had a huge breast (fake) tummy tuck, vein removal, face lift etc, etc.  So she was rather hot and I walked into that after a 34 year marriage, which by the way, I wasn't the one that wanted to leave.

So, she was sensual, and could be adoring too.  Her drinking, and drugs could add to that and also be a road for extreme anger without notice.  But she was truly emotionally unstable, but I thought I could some how handle it and she could somehow, moderate that.  Anyway, I was captivate by her shape and her deep blue eyes it was a turn on for sure even without touching.

She was never a true caring person though and treated others like waiters etc, at times, poorly.

My new love is pretty, she has a good shape, very smooth skin and looks probably 12 years youngers than her age, and most girls would die for her complexion and smooth skin.  Big brown eyes, and beautiful teeth and hair.  So I telling you I know I am lucky but the best thing is she is loving and caring person, not just to me but to her family.  I know I care deeply and I do love her, but thoughts of my BPD get in the way.  

So I miss the sexually high feeling I had just to be near the other one.  It was like a dug, and I know at my age especially a bit stupid, but hard to break that attraction and many times I did, because of her actions and she would just lure me back, and I wanted to be lured back in.  

Its not love, its lust, and for sure, none of our BPD could be very loving.  Oh sure at times they would surprise you and do this or that or say nice things, but on a whole they were ready to trigger and tell you how lousy you were to them and how you can't even do this or that.  Then act like nothing happen, only to start again.  

If I could change three things about my new girlfriend?   Gee I don't know because they all sound cheap and basically petty.  I know , and I always known, my attraction was basically physical though she was smart but so is my new love.  Ah, wanting the pinup girl, who is wrapped up in poison but hoping it could change is my problem.  Nothing wrong w my new love, its my head that is still not functioning as normal.  Thanks for making me think, again.  

We should miss what is dear and tender to us, and I do, believe me I do. The BPD have tender moments but they are rare and yes, those times you are really there for them when they breakdown, I guess is also some of the appeal.

Thanks

[outside9x]

Hi Well, my new girlfriend is different than the girls I did go out with and the one I married.  all were  Blonde, and blue eyes, and my ex wife was too. 

My girlfriend has big brown eyes, and beautiful brown hair, and a pretty face, great smile.  She is very sensible, but can be fun.  '

Also, I never dated a girl that never drank.  She doesn't , not even a glass of wine, but she is not a kill joy about it.  She lets me drink, and acts cheerful and lively at concerts etc. 

But sometimes, I guess in the summer, I used to like to go to concerts and plan to pick up a bottle of wine for like a outside concert.  It just helps with the mood, but she doesn't need it.   She is not a wall flower by any means, and likes to dances and dances real well.

I do tend to lean on the physical way too much especially at my age.  Something I really have been addressing if I want to be happy, for that, I know for me, and everyone on the planet goes, and trust me, I am no Cary Grant.  I am not. 

[santa]

We all miss our exes sometimes. There's no shame in that. Just fight through it. Stay the course. She's a mess and no good for you. You know she's no good for you. Your mind is just playing rumination tricks on you right now. Just lock in on getting through this feeling and when it's over, you'll thank yourself. Your ex has nothing to offer you except more of the same misery.

[heartandwhole]

Hi outside9x,

I'm sorry that you are feeling torn about your ex.  It's really normal to feel this way, and I know how uncomfortable it is.  So many of us have been there. 

You are right, these relationships can feel like drugs to us, and the withdrawal after the breakup is excruciating.  I agree with the other posters– stay strong and feel your way through it.

Deep down, you know that a relationship with your ex is not good for you.  You know it. That's why you wrote this post.  Also, it's possible that a part of you is afraid of the new relationship, afraid of real intimacy, afraid of peace, even happiness!  I know that sounds crazy, but it's possible.  As learning_curve said: intensity ≠ intimacy.

And we are all free to seek intensity, or lust, or beauty.  No judgment around that at all.  Only you know what you really want and need.  We're here to listen and support you through this.

Hang in there, outside! 

[outside9x]

Hi All,

Thanks for all the very insightful, and factual comments.  Yes, many hit it right on the head, and afraid possibly of this lovely girl I am now dating since she doesn't have all the intensity, but of course, no drama, and its a warm, fun, pretty  and loving.  She cares and still knows how to have have a good time without drugs and alcohol.

Yesterday, I came home late from work.  I guess my block came off my phone.  It only last for 90 days unless I call them.  Anyway, she text me late at night at a party.  I shouldn't text back I know.  But basically, she was fishing, and luckily I said nothing, like I would in the past like, I miss you I love you.  I did said, stupidly, nice to hear from you.  WHAT was I thinking, but I did want to hear from her.  She ended the text saying < Too bad we couldn't get together and work this out.  I answered YES!   Not the best answer but  no the worst. I know she was wanting to hear we should try, or lets talk.   Then, my mind went on fire, and I realized what I done.  I was so beating myself up, but, I didn't run to her, or say those words, and I know she wanted me too.  So, at least I didn't totally cave in, and I realized too what a big big mistake that would be to see her.  Big mistake!  I mean I was really shaking and saying where am I going with this, do I really want to be with her, and the answer came back NO!

Only misery and pain.,

I feel a bit bad too, because I really care for my girlfriend a lot.  Felt I was cheating in a way, but it made my brain and nerves go crazy just thinking I might connect and that's a good sign I think.  I mean I was very afraid, and ashamed of myself.

Hope that a good sign.

Thanks everyone.!

[mgl210]

Outside

Do you mind for another opinion? I hope not, there is nothing wrong with missing your ex gf. She made you feel great, and made you feel as if you were everything that she made you believe, but unfortunately, she hurt you. Its okay, we all get hurt, but don't forget that. Don't forget that you are allowed to miss someone. Heck, I miss my mentor, because he was always the one to give me rational advice on how to handle things and always was my emotional support. I miss my BPD ex gf too. I miss her more than you could possibly imagine. The sad thing is, when we are together, she creates alot of stress to me too. If you find that you are comparing your present relationship with your past one, then its not fair to the present. Then again, like I said this is just my opinion, you don't have to follow it. I just want you to be happy my friend, that is all I want for you

MGL

[Tausk]

Yes, it's natural to the miss the ex.  But I need to know that any interaction is destructive for both of us.  The disorder need participants.  And the disorder always wins and takes no hostages and gives no quarter.

Just the fact that you were shaking and disoriented over a text response is a big   .   

I hope you can find enough serenity to realize that intensity is not intimacy.  And that you will lose most everything you have.

Be at peace with the good in your life, and let go of missing the abuse and destruction.  Because ultimately that is the only thing that will carry with you from further interactions with your ex.

[outside9x]

Hi All,

Thanks for all the great comments and insight.  As I said, I was so fearful and found myself in a situation I kinda wanted and bingo I got, and I was very afraid, because I know in my heart and mind, that it would be wonderful for a short period of time, and then it will be brutal.  I also know as much as she might feel, and want it, she just can't help it, but I need to accept that she would destroy me because like the story of the scorpion & the frog, its in her nature. . 

I had a wonderful time with my girlfriend.  She looked beautiful and is inside and out.  She is very healthy, and lots fun to be with, and I see this more and more and I am so lucky to have found her.  I am lucky, and this girl really cares for me and does so many nice things and my eyes and heart are clearer and I want to do things for her too!

Thanks so much, and yes, not out of the woods yet, but getting closer, I feel it. 


I will not be sucked in, I know I almost was, but I was so afraid of letting myself come even close to meet or said what I thought I would say, because when it came time, I was running for my life.   I will remain N/C and at least proud of no physical contact for over 9 months and I was begged in prior months to do so.

I think, where I weak, I became strong when I needed and not only that, I was 100% sure it was the right thing to do in my mind & heart.  Now to try to "Just let it GO", and move in the positive direction in my life.

[Moonie75]

I'll miss things about my ex forever! I've accepted that.

I won't miss other things about her!