The FOG equation

[arn131arn]

Let's say I dated my ex for three months and we broke it off NEVER to recycle again.

Then, hypothetically, let's say, that we were together and engaged for 14 years.

Would it take longer to get out of the FOG the longer you were in a RS with a cluster B?

I am just wondering if the length of time someone is in a RS is directly proportional with how long it takes to get out of the FOG.

I ask this bc I have made the decision today to stop communicating with her father about seeing my son.  He doesn't get anything accomplished and to tell the truth, it triggers me for days at a time.

Often, after these coffee shop meetings and phone conversations, I walk away and for the next few days feel tremendous Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

Thanks,

Arn

keep moving forward everyone. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I think there are too many variables to say that the fog is proportional to the length of time in the relationship; I've read stories here were people come out of it when they're still in the relationship, they've just had enough.  I think the main things are our own mental health and how proactive we are at our detachment.  Kudos for realizing her father is a trigger arn, and wanting to do something about it; good for you!

[arn131arn]

I think there are too many variables to say that the fog is proportional to the length of time in the relationship; I've read stories here were people come out of it when they're still in the relationship, they've just had enough.  I think the main things are our own mental health and how proactive we are at our detachment.  Kudos for realizing her father is a trigger arn, and wanting to do something about it; good for you!

Thanks, heel.  Haven't looked at her FB in a LONG time.  After 7 weeks NC, I just couldn't figure out why I kept taking 3 or 4 steps backwards you know?

Then there was one common denominator!Her dad

Maybe I like Math too much  

I'm a nerrrrrrd I know!

[fromheeltoheal]

I think there are too many variables to say that the fog is proportional to the length of time in the relationship; I've read stories here were people come out of it when they're still in the relationship, they've just had enough.  I think the main things are our own mental health and how proactive we are at our detachment.  Kudos for realizing her father is a trigger arn, and wanting to do something about it; good for you!

Thanks, heel.  Haven't looked at her FB in a LONG time.  After 7 weeks NC, I just couldn't figure out why I kept taking 3 or 4 steps backwards you know?

Then there was one common denominator!Her dad

Maybe I like Math too much  

I'm a nerrrrrrd I know!

Well these things tend to multiply, once we cross the divide, better to subtract when appropriate, as we add to who we are.  There's the root of it, squared as that sounds... .

[santa]

My healing process wasn't a gradual progression. I would make progress and then regress and then make progress again. It's not unusual to have setbacks. Just stick with it and don't get too disappointed in yourself about a little regression. The important thing is to not get stuck in it. Just remember that you want to keep moving forward and detaching. Stay pointed in that direction and you'll get through your struggles.

[arn131arn]

Santa,

Last week myP told me that speaking with her dad about anything is not really NC. I needed to understand that this guy is NOT on my side.

Even though he is trying to play the mediator, he will NOT do anything for my betterment.  It's his daughter and to think that he would help me is as believable as his daughter being a sane woman.

Santa, would you agree that I have talked a good game about NC for 7 weeks; but in actuality, I have NOT?

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, the contact you've had has been indirect, but the real question is, is it working?  No contact is a tool, not a hard and fast rule, and it boils down to what's best for you?  You identified a trigger that isn't helping, eliminate it and move forward.

[santa]

Santa,

Last week myP told me that speaking with her dad about anything is not really NC. I needed to understand that this guy is NOT on my side.

Even though he is trying to play the mediator, he will NOT do anything for my betterment.  It's his daughter and to think that he would help me is as believable as his daughter being a sane woman.

Santa, would you agree that I have talked a good game about NC for 7 weeks; but in actuality, I have NOT?

I think you did what you thought was the right thing to do and you made a very good effort at it. Do I think talking to her dad would fall under no contact? No. I think it means you're still having contact. It's not benefiting you to have contact with him either. If it were, it would have happened by now. I think you did the right thing by trying it, but now that you've seen it's not getting you anywhere, it's probably pointless to stay in contact with him. He's clearly not helping you. It's really just keeping you emotionally invested in something you have no control over. I think it's hurting you.

Her dad isn't on your side here. He's absolutely not. So, talking to him will do nothing but hurt you.

I think if you'd been in total no contact with her and anyone associated with her for the last 7 weeks, you'd probably be feeling a lot better about things. If I were you, I'd give it a try for awhile and see if you like it. It may help.

[Perfidy]

I think detachment obeys the law of inverse squares arn. The longer you focus on your self is inversely proportional to pain. All the crappy thoughts get weaker the further from the source of aggrivation you get in the space time continum. Just a theory.

[arn131arn]

I think detachment obeys the law of inverse squares arn. The longer you focus on your self is inversely proportional to pain. All the crappy thoughts get weaker the further from the source of aggrivation you get in the space time continum. Just a theory.

Awesome, Perf!

So, me and pain are on the same side of the equation... .

You a smart mofo, Perf... . you really are!

[Perfidy]

The = sign is balance.

[Perfidy]

I'm kind of an anomaly, I have strong right brain and left brain functions. I'm ambidextrous. I can sing and play music and I'm good with numbers. I paint, draw, write, I can compose music. Another fun fact... . I have twin daughters, mirror twins. Identicle, one is right handed the other left.

[arn131arn]

I'm kind of an anomaly, I have strong right brain and left brain functions. I'm ambidextrous. I can sing and play music and I'm good with numbers. I paint, draw, write, I can compose music. Another fun fact... . I have twin daughters, mirror twins. Identicle, one is right handed the other left.

See the whole time I thought it was anorexious! Lol... . wait that's my ex

[Surnia]

Hi arn

I had yesterday similar thoughts about her father's role in it. You tried with him and that was okay. Now you are realizing he is not on your side and not on your son's side, so its wise to go on differently.

Last week myP told me that speaking with her dad about anything is not really NC. I needed to understand that this guy is NOT on my side.

Even though he is trying to play the mediator, he will NOT do anything for my betterment.  It's his daughter and to think that he would help me is as believable as his daughter being a sane woman.

For me this is also partly FOG lifting: Doing something - checking the outcome - doing something different. When we are in the FOG, we act often in a repeating pattern.