need to vent

[mother in law]

Well even though we pick up gd from school one afternoon each week from school which allows ex dil to work that evening she is angry because in her mind we haven't given enough notice that we cannot do it this week (4 days and a warning this may happen). There has never been a thank you or a comment that she appreciates it.  Only anger if we are a bit late getting her back or in this instance cannot do it.  We love seeing gd and believe it is a positive part of her week but the ungrateful cranky behavior of her mother is sometimes very irritating!  I know it will never change but I just needed to vent to someone who understands. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

We understand.

May I share something that was sort of lightning bolt eureka moment, and something that might help your little granddaughter as time goes by -

Both with my abusive mother and the woman one of my brothers married (actually both women that both my brothers married)... .

I finally understood it's not that they WON'T cooperate, discuss, rationalize, be reasonable... . they CANNOT.

Like expecting someone sadly in a wheelchair to get up and walk.

The disconnect is that strong.

That real.

I kept expecting, since she was my mother, for God's sake, to be reasonable, kind, loving, etc.

Once the no contact had been in place for years (nothing that you could possibly do in helping with this little girl and being her oasis of peace), and reading reading researching -

that finally dawned and helped on so many levels.

It let me off the "If I just say this right, she'll get it"

No, because she CAN'T.

Her wiring prevents it.

I hear you and appreciate you.

Override this woman's lecturing ungrateful crap with, "If she could, she wouldn't do this."

It's not that they won't, it's that they can't.

hugs to you and yours.  We have to untwist our thinking to reality.

They cannot. Never have. Never will.

[Deb]

I agree with lucyhoneychurch. They CANNOT be reasonable. They also can't see that far down the road. My dBPD sister HATES change. Unless she orchestrates it. Than it's ok because she is in control. And most BPD people I have met are real control freaks. It's annoying and agravating. But if you have contact with them than you need to work on your boundaries and see about using the tools here. Some members have had good results with with them. But the only expectation you can have with a borderline is that they will not be logical. They cannot.

[mother in law]

Thank you for your replies and in my heart I know you are right.  Usually I can laugh it off but now and again it irks me. How would you Institute the boundaries on this one.  Bear in mind she will not talk to me and only answers texts if it suits. I am really interested in the boundary setting though.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I re-read your initial post. She is pitching a fit because you cannot do this lovely thing you do every week. You're human. Some things come up that might even mean we can't watch a beloved grandchild.

Your boundaries are for you. What you and I will and will not respond to. I would set a boundary for myself that when she whines or acts ungrateful because i have had to change the schedule for unforeseen reasons, I do not buy into it.

Gaslighting that it's the end of the world doesn't buy her a free pass to lose her manners and behave like a spoiled brat.

I'll tell you why I love texts and even emails - you can take all the time in the world you want to answer them, and think and breathe and yet get back to the sender at your convenience.

Let her chill the next time she's an idiot (you know what I mean, when she's acting out). She can wait for an answer or not get one at all. I don't think that's being punitive, it's much like the little child standing or sitting beside you whining and suddenly realizing the only way you will answer is big boy or big girl talk.

Let her connect that when she acts out, it seems like you don't bounce a text back right away. If she gripes about *that,* you owe her no explanation. You can text as much or as little as you like or as often/immediately as you like.

Adults who don't act adult-like for me quickly lose their place on my priority list if you get my drift.  Their emergency doesn't equal panic on my end.

that's a boundary that serves my purpose. It doesn't necessarily mean that other person will change the behavior. But it gives my power back to me and reduces the irksome hurtful impact alot sooner.

I'm not really sure I gave you much concrete advice. Make rules for what YOU will or will not do or not. That's what boundaries are.  Not for them. For us.

[PleaseValidate]

I totally understand!

As lunch said,  (and I often use this same phrase when I need people to understand my sleep disorder), it's "Like expecting someone sadly in a wheelchair to get up and walk."  You know your ml is unreasonable. You know she can't help it due to her BPD.

But don't you really WISH she could? GRRR!

[mother in law]

oh please validate that is just how I feel!