My Therapist Told Me Take A Weekend Trip Alone

[ATLandon]

I need some advice and input. Bear with me while I get in the details before getting to the questions.

So now that I have a name for my uBPD wife's issues, I've been discussing it in therapy. I have the exceptional fortune that my personal therapist co-facilitated couple's therapy with my wife, so she understands my wife's issues somewhat. I was telling my T about how my wife's suspected BPD has put a lot of stress on me lately since getting sober and I have a lot of major life choices ahead of me (new job options, school, sobriety, and a marriage with a uBPD person). My T told me that if I can manage it financially then to get away for a day or weekend to go have some fun and some genuine "me time" to think over everything in my life. She suggested that I talk with my wife about it in order to set boundaries so she doesn't call/text/e-mail me incessantly while I'm away. She suggested putting safeguards in place, such as having my wife let her personal therapist know about me going away and request for her T to be call in case my wife needs to call her for reassurance, as well as to have a friend (though my wife has hardly any) on call that weekend as well. Lastly, she told me to put a firm restriction on communication, for example, to say I will call her twice a day on a set schedule. I.E., I'll call between 10-11 am and 6-7 pm.

I think its a great idea but as soon as I told my wife about it she automatically went to "Oh, so this is you're leaving me!" *Insert my head hitting the wall here.* It took hours of constant reassurance that I didn't want a divorce or a separation to put her at ease... . somewhat. However I know that she won't let me go without some protest when it comes time to me making plans and actually leaving.

So now for the questions:

When you plan on taking alone time, what triggers can be avoided for a pwBPD?

Has anyone else taken some alone time away from their SO with successful boundary enforcing?

Did you include your pwBPD in the trip planning process? (I know I will since the unknown is a huge source of anxiety inducing behaviors for my wife)

Any other sage advice you can give that may have not addressed concretely?

Thanks in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tiredndown]

Think of it as you are 'teddy'.

When little girls play tea party with 'teddy', 'teddy' does exactly as they are told. It sits there quietly, drinks tea when they are told, moved when they are told. Anytime 'teddy' does something that is out of the ordinary they are BAD teddy. You are not a real person to her, you are an 'extension' of her undeveloped self. When you do something that she doesn't like, you are BAD teddy.

IMO There really is no good way of handling this situation as it is not what she thinks you should be doing. Reason will not work with an unreasonable person.

I agree completely you need time alone.

[MissyM]

When I have taken time away (before the separation), I told my dBPDh where I was going and what I was doing.  He needed to be in touch more than 2 times a day, so I set the number of texts for the day at 10.  (but let him know I would be sleeping in and would not answer early morning texts quickly).  I think it is a little different when it is a wife, for some reason the clinginess seems to be worse.  Perhaps discuss with her ways you could do this that would make her feel safe?  Like would hearing from you 3 times a day be better?  Would you taking photos of the place and sending it to her, make her feel safer?  I don't know your wife but know that asking them to come up with ideas that would help them handle it better, can work.  Particularly, if either she or both of you discuss it with her therapist.  My dBPDh would still make digs about me being away but I just ignored those.

[ATLandon]

Think of it as you are 'teddy'... . When you do something that she doesn't like, you are BAD teddy.

IMO There really is no good way of handling this situation as it is not what she thinks you should be doing. Reason will not work with an unreasonable person.

I agree completely you need time alone.

I can agree with this on a very basic level as relating to many women with BPD, however I should mention that my wife and I did go through extensive couples therapy, as well as she is also on medication for anxiety and seeing her own therapist for issues related to her childhood abuse/her own personal issues. She has improved A LOT over the last couple years and rarely rages on me these days. However, she still has BPD and is high functioning at that. I'm looking for specific examples of advice that I can employ so I don't inadvertently invalidate her or avoid severe dysregulation, if possible.

[Seneca]

SET:

Support: I can see how upset me taking a couple days to myself is making you

Empathize: I want to help you feel more comfortable with this

Truth: I am going away because I need to,rejuvenate and I think it will be a good time for both of us to relax and unwind. I am not taking time to myself to prepare to leave you. I love,you and am committed to you.

Then offer solutions to her feeling insecure. I think it is best not to involve them in the planning or talk about it too much. Every time you do you just bring up those bad feelings again. Plan it on your own, but after you have made concrete decisions, just drop it casually, dont dwell on it... . change the subject and show care for her by asking about her day or helping her with a problem or chore. A couple days before you go, take a few moments to write down where you are going, where you are staying, the schedule of events (if any), when you will return. When you get back, having a few photos or receipts of "dinner for 1" is helpful. This would not be a real getaway for you if you have to text her 12 times a day. Offer once a day. Say you really want to "unplug" from the electronics, if need be. You have to set boundaries here. She is going to feel bad when you go. She may freak out a bit. But she will do this no matter how many times you check in. You are not a prisoner... . you have a right to your own privacy and enjoyment. Do your best to make her comfortable, without infringing on your own right to tranquility, privacy and personal fulfillment.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Glad you asked this question as I would like to do the same, but feel like I'm on lock down at the moment.

The last time I went out of town for any significant amount of time by myself was over a year ago. My gf had gone home to visit her family and impulsively (supposedly) to visit her ex she had not seen in 5 years (supposedly). I am fairly certain nothing happened, but I have a huge hang up about this guy because I know a lot of her issues now are because of him and I feel she still has some attachment to him.

I never did get any believable explanations or closure about this and it has permanently damaged the relationship. She claims it was for her own closure, but I think she was feeling him out for a possible recycle in the future if something happens to us. She also could have been rubbing her new relationship in his face. Either way I felt she did this to punish me for leaving her. Anytime I mention going out of town now she always says she is going somewhere also. It makes me really angry and it makes me feel like I can never go anywhere again without her because I don't know what she will do.

So keep in mind what she might do to you out of spite for leaving her.

The advice above is solid though. Don't talk about it much as she will start concocting fantasies of you cheating in her mind. The SET example by Seneca is great. I may even try to use that one if I can build up enough courage to take a trip. I don't really bother because I would just be wondering the entire time what my punishment will be.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[an0ught]

Hi ATLandon,

T's giving you good advice 

When you plan on taking alone time, what triggers can be avoided for a pwBPD?

Avoid JADE. Validate abandonment. Definitely avoid invalidating abandonment i.e. don't swear repeatedly that you won't leave her.

Has anyone else taken some alone time away from their SO with successful boundary enforcing?

Tell when you are reachable and when not. Minimize it - check with the T

Did you include your pwBPD in the trip planning process? (I know I will since the unknown is a huge source of anxiety inducing behaviors for my wife)

Remind me, who is going on a trip? Boundaries help. This whole is about breaking the enmeshed modus operandi so... .

Expect extinction bursts. Don't panic. Switch of the phone.

Enjoy 

[unicorn2014]

I think that's great you're going on a trip and I encourage you to do so!

[ATLandon]

Well, I should have known the long months of marital bliss would get interrupted at some point. My wife had a major meltdown last night and through a complete temper-tantrum rage at 2-3 in the morning. Keep in mind we live in a condo so I'm sure if woke the neighbors up and they heard all the dysfunction as well.

It started off about how I haven't done enough cleaning around the house since I've been on a break from work but turned into how she is "left always having to do everything" around the house and "was going to be FORCED to clean up your (my) mess," which was a reference to me taking a weekend away. She went to the kitchen to "clean" which just entailed her slamming cabinets, slamming dishes around the counter and dishwasher, and yelling at the top of her lungs how "we live in squalor," which is far a stretch from the truth. Disorganized, yes. Filthy, no. She came back to the bedroom, threw the covers off of me, and demanded that "You need to go clean the kitchen! Now!"

That was fun... .    

[tiredndown]

Check out the Sleep Deprivation thread... . https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219222.new#new

We were just discussing this very topic

[an0ught]

Hi ATLandon,

I haven't done enough cleaning around the house since I've been on a break from work

while you have been relaxing at work she was sweating to make plans for you when you got a break. How dare you not be greatful  

It may well have started out that way. She was disappointed her plans (mostly not voiced and partly controlling wrt. to you) were not put into motion. Possibly you ignored her (uncommunicated) ideas or rejected them. Big invalidation and of course she takes off.

but turned into how she is "left always having to do everything" around the house and

she feels unappreciated.

"was going to be FORCED to clean up your (my) mess," which was a reference to me taking a weekend away.

fear of abandonment and playing victim

She went to the kitchen to "clean" which just entailed her slamming cabinets, slamming dishes around the counter and dishwasher, and yelling at the top of her lungs how "we live in squalor," which is far a stretch from the truth.

yeah, that sort of thing can leave us helpless. There is simply no way to fix the problem of something clean needing immediate, high and exclusive attention and effort to clean. Some OCD wrt. cleaning is often one of the less problematic dysfunction but when it comes to full dysregulation one feels totally helpless. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. It is really a powerful way to project guilt.

Disorganized, yes. Filthy, no. She came back to the bedroom, threw the covers off of me, and demanded that "You need to go clean the kitchen! Now!"

I'm desperate and need to control the next best thing I can grab to feel better about myself... .

There is not much you can do once she is on path to blow up short of leaving the building for some time. You can validate abandonment, unfair work distribution (her view - not yours), unappreciated and maybe even not loved. But whatever you say once a certain threshold is passed an explosion will happen. Which is a pain in the night but can sometimes be the best of the bad alternatives (see timeout workshop here: TOOLS: how to take a time out

You are going through a rough spot at this time. Don't blame yourself - this is normal! Making changes is inviting resistance. It will get better after the first boundaries . They are the hardest to do. There is fear on both sides and the extinction bursts tend to be big.

Hang in there,

a0