uBPD Mother-In-Law

[JWells]

My husband's mother is uBPD. We have been together for five years, married for two and have a one year old son. Our marriage is very strong and has become stronger because my husband will remind me after every blow up from his mom that "we are a team". He has never sided with his mother over me and has always been aware of his mothers issues-after meeting with a family counselor the counselor told my husband and I in private that she suspects my mother in law has BPD. To her feelings=fact. She argues in circles and won't let them go even if you apologize. She makes up lies about me and sends my husband texts about things I've done "behind his back", when in actuality he is the one who has told me to do these things. Even the smallest things make her blow up. Once she told me she was going to take my son to get ice cream (he was 6 months old) and I said to my husband "you don't think she's actually going to take him to get ice cream do you?" and he said "just text her and ask her" so I said "Hey, I wasn't sure if you were serious about taking him for ice cream so I just wanted to let you know he can't have ice cream". Baby's can't have milk until they are one so I did't want him to get all that lactose. She later texted my husband that I went behind his back and texted her about not giving our son ice cream and that if you asked a dr. they would say he probably shouldn't have french fries either but we give him those." (we let him lick one ONCE) My husband told his mother that I didn't do it behind his back-and that he doesn't like getting messages where she is trying to pit him against me. He also told her that we are the parents so if we choose to feed him a tub of ice cream and then tell her not to give him any-that's our choice. She lashes out and says things like this all the time and then when we confront her she just says "well I was mad." Like that's an excuse for behaving badly? I don't want my son around her anymore. I'm afraid of what she will say about me to my son. I've told her this and she acts like she has no idea why I'd think that because she would NEVER do that. But if she tries to turn my husband against me then why wouldn't she try to turn my kid against me? If she can't be civil with me or my husband than she has no reason to be around my son. Am I wrong for keeping him away from her? I don't want to be around her at all and my husband is fine with that-but his dad makes it out like I just willy-nilly cut anyone out of my life that I disagree with. Its almost like he rationalizes what his wife is saying and doing and he makes excuses for her. I'm so frustrated.

[StarStruck]

Hi JWells - This is totally understandable to have these concerns when having association with a BPD. I feel exactly the same  

I have a uBPD Mom (queen-witch type) and I also have fears of any weirdness affecting my family from her, to the point where I have pulled away more and more. They can also go under the radar with comments, some that a child would not even think to tell the other parent about because they may only partially understand them but she achieved what she wanted because the feeling of the sentiment would still be there. Sometimes I think it comes so easy to them to relieve themselves of their own issues and insecurities that I don't even think they know they are doing it SOMETIMES... . blimin worrying really

SS x

[MissyM]

My children are not allowed to be with my mother-in-law by themselves, ever!  She is BPD and caused a lot of trauma to my daughter when she was 4.  She doesn't like other females and that even extends to her own granddaughter!  My dBPh has been resentful of this, in the past, but seems to be gaining a better understanding of the issue.  My children haven't seen her in 4 years and don't miss her at all.  I am glad that your H is on your team in this, do what is best for your kids (not for BPDmil).  My H was insistent that the kids spent time with her when they were younger, he regrets that now.

[Sitara]

Am I wrong for keeping him away from her?

No.  He is your son and your responsibility.  It sounds like you and your husband are working as a pretty awesome team and you are both on the same page about decisions.  In my opinion, if she is ignoring your requests when she takes him out by herself, then absolutely end unsupervised visits.  If you don't even want them to have supervised visits, that's your right too.  You are the parent and your son needs you to look out for his best interests, whatever that may be.  Don't let people fool you into thinking that just because they're blood related that gives them some sort of right to be involved in his life. 

As far as your FIL is concerned, he could have many reasons for saying that, and absolutely none of them have anything to do with you cutting people off without cause.  He may feel bad that he's not standing up for himself, or just trying to make his life easier by helping his wife get what she wants, or he may honestly believe that abusive behavior is okay.  But this is not his choice, this is not your MIL's choice, this is not your neighbor down the street's choice.  It is yours and your husband's and only the two of you have all the information to make the best choice for your family.

My mother is undiagnosed BPD, and she was a pretty regular caretaker for my oldest son for over 3 years, and I did notice behavior changes.  We no longer have contact with them, and between that and working on my own negative behaviors, I have noticed many changes in the positive for my son.  Sometimes you have to do what's healthiest, not necessarily what's the easiest.

There's a lot of supportive people here to help as much as we can.