The Three C's

[Depression = 72% of members]

Repeat after me... .


I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it


Saying these with a deep breath in between helps! I, found these on another BPD web page, its short and sweet. Hope it helps yall too!

[CoasterRider]

Repeat after me... .


I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it


Saying these with a deep breath in between helps! I, found these on another BPD web page, its short and sweet. Hope it helps yall too!

[nolisan]

I first heard these in an AlAnon meeting. A great way of accepting the behavior of an alcoholic in ones life.

It was early in my recovery from my BPD r/s that I had a big awakening - being in such a relationship is virtually identical to having and alcoholic/addict as a partner. We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. It will drive us crazy if we do not have tools to deal with it or choose to leave.

It is really ironic because I met my ex in an AlAnon meeting and she had 20+ years of "recovery". I use quotes because she was still very sick - much like a dry drunk with many years of sobriety with an agogant attitude that they have it all together. There are such unfortunates. Length of recovery doesn't always equal quality of recovery.

[CoasterRider]

Length of recovery doesn't always equal quality of recovery.

Same goes for US! Ignoring the problem does not mean it isn't quietly laying under the surface waiting to be triggered again!

[Skip]

The three C are about addiction and have a place in the Alanon program for loving enmeshed family members.

I'm not sure they have the same meaning with BPD or on a "Leaving" board here.  It tends to sound like "its all her, all the good things I did were in vain, its not me".

... . not so helpful as a healing mantra.

Technically the three C are true for:

~A friends cancer

~A parents old age

~And the death of our pets

... . but not so helpful as a healing mantra here, either.    

[CoasterRider]

The three C are about addiction and have a place in the Alanon program.

I'm not sure they have the same meaning here.

I assume you mean that is something people tell themselves about their disease? I was thinking of it in terms that its something non's could tell themselves, to help deal with guilt about a partners disorder... . thats how I took it.

[Skip]

I was thinking of it in terms that its something non's could tell themselves, to help deal with guilt about a partners disorder... . thats how I took it.

Isn't most of the guilt here about the failure of the relationship?

Over on the Parents" board there is a lot of guilt about possibly causing BPD in raising a child, but I don't get that sense here.

When someone evokes the 3 Cs here, they are usually referring to the relationship problems - whether they think that consciously or not.  Look at the context here.

It is not true that we had no role in the relationship or the relationship failure.  Too many, that is a painful thought.  We can choose to deny it and run or face it and grow.

[Waifed]

I was thinking of it in terms that its something non's could tell themselves, to help deal with guilt about a partners disorder... . thats how I took it.

Isn't most of the guilt here about the failure of the relationship?

Over on the Parents" board there is a lot of guilt about possibly causing BPD in raising a child, but I don't get that sense here.

When someone evokes the 3 Cs here, they are usually referring to the relationship problems - whether they think that consciously or not.  Look at the context here.

It is not true that we had no role in the relationship or the relationship failure.  Too many, that is a painful thought.  We can choose to deny it and run or face it and grow.

In relation to a person with BPD and the illness, we did not cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.  I think it is a good way of justifying that the relationship was doomed from the beginning and we shouldn't feel bad for moving on.  I also feel like my relationship with a BPD was an addiction for me, and still is but fortunately at some point I will be over it and will not be in "recovery" for a lifetime. 

[musicfan42]

I came across "the 3 C's" (i.e. "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it" in Al-Anon too.

Al-Anon talks a lot about the "isms" of alcoholism i.e. the maladaptive behavior patterns which alcoholics tend to have. Loved ones of alcoholics may try in vain to get the alcoholic into recovery.

Similarly, loved ones of borderlines may try and fail to get the borderline into recovery. "The 3 C's" isn't about blaming the alcoholic/borderline. Rather, it's about helping loved ones not fall into codependent behavior patterns and not enable their behavior.

They say that alcoholics have to want to recover themselves- that you can't make them recover. (The Karpman Drama Triangle is relevant here).

Similarly, research has shown that DBT works best with highly motivated individuals who are willing to do the work required to recover.

There is another slogan that I learned in Al-Anon that is pertinent here: "put the focus on yourself".

It means- put the focus on yourself as opposed to trying to rescue another person. Focus on solving your own issues before trying to solve someone else's.

I think it's important to note that Al-Anon has a non-judgmental attitude to alcoholics. Al-Anon and AA maintain a friendly relationship. While they are separate 12 step organisations, AA members who have an alcoholic loved one are welcome at Al-Anon meetings. AA also have open meetings and non AA members are welcome to attend so technically an Al-Anon member could go to an AA open meeting and see what it's like. It's not about being enemies at all.

Al-Anon's message is that alcoholism is "a family disease" and similarly, DBT skills are helpful for all members of the family, not just the borderline herself/himself. NAMI do DBT skills training for family members and/or loved ones. Dealing with an alcoholic and/or borderline can affect all family members/loved ones so DBT skills/12 steps can benefit everyone. Everyone has something to learn and that's the central message here.

DBT is recommended on the forum here a lot and personally, I find that there's a lot of crossover between 12 step concepts and DBT so I think that the 3 C's concept could definitely be helpful to nons here.

[In_n_Out]

There's one "C" word that I would like to apply to my dBPDxgf but I'll keep this forum PG rated. 

[CoasterRider]

There's one "C" word that I would like to apply to my dBPDxgf but I'll keep this forum PG rated. 

 

[Cumulus]

Hi coaster rider, I had not heard this mantra before and I do think it would have been helpful to me in the early stages of separation from my xBPDh. After many years of marriage our relationship had become more of a mother / child relationship vs. a partner relationship. I was the caring and forgiving parent and he was the recalcitrant but always apologetic child. I tried to control his behaviours. I couldn't control the way he acted or what he said.  I had to learn that my behaviours and actions weren't the cause of his rages and depression. I didn't cause that. And I had to learn that I couldn't cure him. I couldn't give enough love, enough attention, enough of everything to keep him filled up. The question I was left to answer was why I thought I was capable of taking over his life, what a presumptuous and egocentric person I was.

[CoasterRider]

Hi coaster rider, I had not heard this mantra before and I do think it would have been helpful to me in the early stages of separation from my xBPDh. After many years of marriage our relationship had become more of a mother / child relationship vs. a partner relationship. I was the caring and forgiving parent and he was the recalcitrant but always apologetic child. I tried to control his behaviours. I couldn't control the way he acted or what he said.  I had to learn that my behaviours and actions weren't the cause of his rages and depression. I didn't cause that. And I had to learn that I couldn't cure him. I couldn't give enough love, enough attention, enough of everything to keep him filled up. The question I was left to answer was why I thought I was capable of taking over his life, what a presumptuous and egocentric person I was.

Im sorry you had to deal with that, amazing what we will do when we love someone. It can be exhausting to constantly have to carry all of that responsibility. It stops being a relationship and starts feeling like an adoption. I know what you went through.

I heard an analogy somewhere, a person with BPD is like a person drowning at sea, we are the coast guard, we show up haul them out of the water and save them, wrap them in a warm blanket and provide them a cup of hot cocoa. However when the blanket gets wet and the cocoa gets cold. They throw themselves back over board, wanting the reassurance and to be saved again and again and again. We arent their therapist and shouldnt have to be constantly reassuring their insecurities. When we have enough of it, they never try to save themselves. They just stay in the rapids treading their own death, waiting for the next ship to come along and repeat the process all over again.

[musicfan42]

We arent their therapist and shouldnt have to be constantly reassuring their insecurities.

Yes, I agree. I think the 3 C's is just a boundary really. A boundary to take care of ourselves and our own well-being.

[Skip]

I heard an analogy somewhere, a person with BPD is like a person drowning at sea, we are the coast guard, we show up haul them out of the water and save them, wrap them in a warm blanket and provide them a cup of hot cocoa. However when the blanket gets wet and the cocoa gets cold. They throw themselves back over board, wanting the reassurance and to be saved again and again and again. We arent their therapist and shouldnt have to be constantly reassuring their insecurities. When we have enough of it, they never try to save themselves. They just stay in the rapids treading their own death, waiting for the next ship to come along and repeat the process all over again.

It's really hard when these relationships crash.  I lived it too.

I think professionals refer to this as a codependents view of the relationship.  There is a corollary for the the pwBPD view of the relationship.  Both tend to be pretty skewed.

If we make comparisons to alcohol addiction, a bottle in the hands of a sober man is of no concern - a bottle in the hands of a drunk is one step closer to the grave.

I say this all with the best of intentions.  Self awareness is a really hard part of the healing.

There is another slogan that I learned in Al-Anon that is pertinent here: "put the focus on yourself".

I think it's important to note that Al-Anon has a non-judgmental attitude to alcoholics.

Al-Anon's message is that alcoholism is "a family disease"

This is the context that gets lost when the 3 Cs are quoted... .

[ogopogodude]

Repeat after me... .


I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it


Saying these with a deep breath in between helps! I, found these on another BPD web page, its short and sweet. Hope it helps yall too!

Thank you very much for this little gem.  I will repeat this over and over until it is embedded in my brain.

Another little gem that I us is whenever I say my ex-wifes name (just in passing or in a sentence, ... . )  I say "the child abuser" right after her name... .

(seriously, ... . this is what my therapist guided me in saying... . because this is EXACTLY what she is and was, ... . a child abuser.

[ogopogodude]

When I am with a friend say having coffee and my ex's name is brought up and I have to actually say her name, ... . then I immediately say child abuser right after.

It is a form of healing. Knowing that I didn't cause it, ... I can't control it, ... . & I can't cure it... .

She is a child abuser and that is that (as can be EASILY proven by the many, many videos that I have of her, ... being very abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.

My therapist is/was right, ... . by doing this it substantiates things, ... . and  also makes me want to not even mention her name, ... . etc

(of course, ... I would never say those three words in front of my kids).

[lemon flower]

to me it sounds more like:

- my pwBPD didn't cause his disorder himself

- he can't control it

- and he can 't be cured 

doesn't make me feel any better, on the contrary... .   :'(

but I do think it's a good thing that everyone searches for his own healing mantra, I personally love ancient Indian healing mantra's, they come out of the kundalini-yoga tradition and it's so soothing to the mind and soul to sing them  out loud (or with your inner voice)

[musicfan42]

I've come across the 6 C's:

*I didn’t cause it

*I can’t cure it

*I can’t control it

*I can take care of myself

*I can communicate my feelings

*I can make healthy choices

I really like this version. The first 3 C's are about the other person but the last 3 apply to nons.

It's so important that we learn self-care skills, communication skills and how to make healthy choices for ourselves especially in relationships.

Assertiveness skills and boundaries come into this. There may be times when we have to say "no"... when something is just not in our best interests. And there's times when we may need help so being able to make a request is also important.

[ogopogodude]

Jeeeeez, I love this site. The 1st three C's is my ex, … the last three are ME….

Thanks for this. It helps me heal.

(I have copied, pasted this to my desk top to repeat over and over)

[Free2Bee]

The '3 C's' were very helpful to me a I struggled to make sense of my ex's BPD and began to bring the focus back to myself. As a codependent, I tend to try to 'fix the world' and 'take care of people'. For me, this mantra is all about letting go and learning accepting that the only person I can change is myself.

[Somewhere]

I was thinking of it in terms that its something non's could tell themselves, to help deal with guilt about a partners disorder... . thats how I took it.

Isn't most of the guilt here about the failure of the relationship?

Over on the Parents" board there is a lot of guilt about possibly causing BPD in raising a child, but I don't get that sense here.

When someone evokes the 3 Cs here, they are usually referring to the relationship problems - whether they think that consciously or not.  Look at the context here.

It is not true that we had no role in the relationship or the relationship failure.  Too many, that is a painful thought.  We can choose to deny it and run or face it and grow.

Think you may be off target on this one, Skip.

The primary "problem" IS an Illness.  A mental illness.  Measurable, Knowable, shows up in pretty colors in specific patterns on fMRI Brain Scans. 

Not much *most* of any of us would have chosen for ourselves, or for them.  The confusion in dealing with it is all the relationship matters, but the Illness, itself stands alone, pre-existed us, and will still be there if/after we are gone.

Truly Cannot Cause, Cure, nor Control that.

And that is fine.  Allows *us* to get out of *their* crazy.

As I tell the kids, Mom may go Crazy, again -- but we do not have to go with her.