Sleep deprivation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I started this topic on the "Leaving" board on purpose. I believe that we all have some form of co-dependency issues which is exactly why we need to discuss the horrible things that we endured in these relationships and use the Leaving board. In this way we will realize what we DO NOT want ever again and use this knowledge when entering new relationships. I am sure we will all be smarter in the future and notice  in time.

I have to be a little rough and say that I do not understand people that are staying, the whole "let me be your savior" thing will destroy you. My grandfather was married to an insane and dangerous woman with numerous problems, and even though he was an angel of a person he just kept falling apart and died at 56 from being miserable. I never got the chance to meet him.

So my point is leave, yes, it's tough, yes it's cold but for heavens sake is this the life anybody wants. When I reach my senior years I want to travel and enjoy nature and talk to somebody who will not give me S**t for the way I pronounce a word or the way I sneeze. I am 27 years old and feel so tired from the relationship I was in that I feel normal woman will sense I am "injured" and run.

Sorry, had to get that out of my system  

[max101]

I started this topic on the "Leaving" board on purpose. I believe that we all have some form of co-dependency issues which is exactly why we need to discuss the horrible things that we endured in these relationships and use the Leaving board. In this way we will realize what we DO NOT want ever again and use this knowledge when entering new relationships. I am sure we will all be smarter in the future and notice  in time.

I have to be a little rough and say that I do not understand people that are staying, the whole "let me be your savior" thing will destroy you. My grandfather was married to an insane and dangerous woman with numerous problems, and even though he was an angel of a person he just kept falling apart and died at 56 from being miserable. I never got the chance to meet him.

So my point is leave, yes, it's tough, yes it's cold but for heavens sake is this the life anybody wants. When I reach my senior years I want to travel and enjoy nature and talk to somebody who will not give me S**t for the way I pronounce a word or the way I sneeze. I am 27 years old and feel so tired from the relationship I was in that I feel normal woman will sense I am "injured" and run.

Sorry, had to get that out of my system  

[MissTajo]

MissTajo - In all honesty, you should be scared. If there are no children involved, run for the HILLS!

:'(

[tiredndown]

@max101

I think we are all at different stages in the relationship. I feel like you and I are of similar mindsets but the fact is, at least for myself, it took many many failed attempts at saving the relationship to arrive at this point. The bottom line is I learned the patterns, learned what was going on, and made a decision that I no longer could continue. Even if she woke up tomorrow, admitted everything was her fault and she was seeking therapy, I still could not change course. There is too much pain back there to ever forgive her. This very thread brought back so many bad memories, reminded me of how bad things get with this type of person. There is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever go back to such a dark place.

Words of caution to unicorn2014 in your plans, be careful not to loose YOURSELF in trying to save the relationship. Learn everything you can, then make an informed decision.

[Pearl55]

Unicorn2014

Knowledge is power. Bpd is not a joke, is a life destroyer and there is NO cure for it. I've spoken to very well experienced psychiatrists and as I'm a compulsive fixer rescuer I really tried to understand this disorder and help my ex BUT there is no help. Most psychiatrist and psychologist refuse to see borderlines because of their lies, manipulations and their to toxicity of their minds.

Learn as much as you can. Good luck.

[growing_wings]

Unicorn2014

Knowledge is power. Bpd is not a joke, is a life destroyer and there is NO cure for it. I've spoken to very well experienced psychiatrists and as I'm a compulsive fixer rescuer I really tried to understand this disorder and help my ex BUT there is no help. Most psychiatrist and psychologist refuse to see borderlines because of their lies, manipulations and their to toxicity of their minds.

Learn as much as you can. Good luck.

+1

BPD destroy lives of those close to them. Awareness is key... KNowledge is power. Pearl is right (in my view)

[MissTajo]

Its a disease. They are not monsters. I don't which therapists you have been seeing but labeling BPD's almost as monsters not capable of changing, I'm sorry, but its cruel. They are people with feelings and with a severe problem. With a good therapy and the right medication they can be controlled. Not 100 % but enough to have a nice relationship and family environment.

[Pearl55]

Misstajo

I've seen HONEST and knowledgeable therapists. There are many therapiests give false hopes and don't forget is their business. I had in my other posts as well, my sister inlaw has been in therapy for more than 20 years in therapy and his husband is a drug addicted and bankrupt as well. Her son is a borderline too and destroyed a girl's life and divorced her and he is in a mission of destroying another girls life too.

I've heard my cousin who married to a BPD vampire and he's been drinking most of the time, he's got a liver cirrhosis now.

I haven't said they are monsters but they are too broken. When psychologist labele them as leeches and we are hosts so their issues are serious.

You've got to ask yourself why you want to be with a crazy person? Is this love or addiction? Are your issues tapped you in this relationship? Are you afraid to be alone?

Has your self steem dragged to a level of a borderline or even lower? Is your lack of knowledge caused you to stuck?


Bpd is not curable. Their emotional developments arrested in 3 years and there is no way to grow more than that. A borderline is not able to have a FEELING of a wife or husband,mum or dad.

[gary seven]

Even if she woke up tomorrow, admitted everything was her fault and she was seeking therapy, I still could not change course. There is too much pain back there to ever forgive her. This very thread brought back so many bad memories, reminded me of how bad things get with this type of person. There is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever go back to such a dark place.

Tired has summed that up pretty much for me.

I thought of an analogy:

Because of the revolutions in healthcare, and because so much more is known about cancer, the medical and nursing schools, and the journals  are teaching the doctors and nurses and support staffs to understand there is no "cure" for cancer.

They now speak about the person's  life after cancer treatments, be they surgical, chemo, radiation, or complementary as "disease-free survival."

There is no "cure" for the loved ones with BPD.  This is NOT like Cancer.

I am married to a BPDs.  It feels to me as if I have the cancer and have tried every treatment and have had every side effect from every drug tried to "cure" the disease.  I am in salvage mode only.  I am distraught, mangled, nervous, and beaten down.  I look horrible. At times I think I should be in hospice.  But I do not want to go there.  It is not a solution for me. 

All I want is a life away from this person so I can live a small meager life, be the best dad to my little kids, and call it  "disease-free survival." No living on the hog.  I only want to watch my spending (like have a real budget) , try to become debt free, and work hard enough to keep employed at this company.  Don't really want to dream about luxurious vacations, fancy clothes, or even a big house.  Just to be in a disease-free survival state.

[unicorn2014]

Hi everybody, I choose to stay in my relationship with my BPD fiance because I have BPD traits myself and I am treating them through dbt and individual therapy. I think its very hard for nons to bridge the gap with borderlines but in my case the gap is not that wide. This just points me to the fact that I should not even be reading the leaving board. My apologies for the disruption. Please carry on without me.

[guitarguy09]

Totally been there! I can't claim to have as horrible of experiences as a gallon of water being dumped over my head, but man there have been a few rough times. Once she broke a few things in the house (minor things because she wouldn't want to pay for anything), slammed my 6 month old smart phone on the ground (luckily had a case for it), and blocked my family members from my phone. Needless to say, it was hard to sleep that night. Couple that with just that wide eyed scary look, and hitting me once with a lint roller (which I brought up later), and it was not a good time.

Other times we have started arguing about something at 1 am (we go to bed late), and I try to say "I need my rest" but she is a stay at home mom so she just wants to totally drag the discussion out as long as possible. I have spent a couple nights on the couch. Luckily it is a comfy one though.

[MissTajo]

Misstajo

I've seen HONEST and knowledgeable therapists. There are many therapiests give false hopes and don't forget is their business. I had in my other posts as well, my sister inlaw has been in therapy for more than 20 years in therapy and his husband is a drug addicted and bankrupt as well. Her son is a borderline too and destroyed a girl's life and divorced her and he is in a mission of destroying another girls life too.

I've heard my cousin who married to a BPD vampire and he's been drinking most of the time, he's got a liver cirrhosis now.

I haven't said they are monsters but they are too broken. When psychologist labele them as leeches and we are hosts so their issues are serious.

You've got to ask yourself why you want to be with a crazy person? Is this love or addiction? Are your issues tapped you in this relationship? Are you afraid to be alone?

Has your self steem dragged to a level of a borderline or even lower? Is your lack of knowledge caused you to stuck?


Bpd is not curable. Their emotional developments arrested in 3 years and there is no way to grow more than that. A borderline is not able to have a FEELING of a wife or husband,mum or dad.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with you. I'm sure you must be heartbroken, and that understandable, but borderliners are people capable of love , learn, teach, improve themselves. There are many levels of a borderline personality so of course it all depends on the person.

A professional in mental care, calling sick people "leeches" Im sorry... . but his/hersd professionalism is dubious.

[guitarguy09]

Its a disease. They are not monsters. I don't which therapists you have been seeing but labeling BPD's almost as monsters not capable of changing, I'm sorry, but its cruel. They are people with feelings and with a severe problem. With a good therapy and the right medication they can be controlled. Not 100 % but enough to have a nice relationship and family environment.

I'm with you there MissTajo. I believe my uBPDw is very capable of loving me and for us to have a (mostly) happy marriage. I even believe she is willing to work with other people and she has shown an ability to learn from her past relationship mistakes (that is crucial). She doesn't always blow up at people like she used to after losing a friendship because of that reason. We still have a ways to go with my family (they are currently at odds with her), but I believe she is willing to give them a good chance if they come to the table and are willing to meet her halfway on what she wants and needs. My wife is one of the most fun people to be around when she isn't having symptoms. And luckily, that's a lot more often than not since she's high functioning. That and the fact we have an almost 2 yo S together and you have a few really good reasons to stay together. Her family is awesome and welcoming to me too.

[Pearl55]

Misstajo

In my marriage nothing happened to be heart broken. I only faced the reality and I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Either is someone BPD or not. If someone BPD is not capable if love because they are not whole individuals. Anyway life is about choices and hope is a strong desire to keep us in these relationships.

Normally people at this board have reached the realisation which took them a very long time. One of the reason I didn't left my husband because I thought he was deeply in love with me. Yes he was a great actor. Probably this board is very confusing for you. I was in the same place couple of years ago.