Red flags I saw before I knew anything about BPD - A letter to my ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wrote a letter to my exBPDh a few days after he had left me.  I had spent a few days texting him and looking for him but he had not replied to me so I wrote to him to try to explain how I felt.  When I read this letter today (5 months later after 6 weeks NC) I can clearly see a few  that I realised were problems back then, before I knew anything about BPD.

This has been helpful to me, because in a way it is more proof that he was the problem and there was nothing I could do to change things.  All the warning signs were there, it just took me a long long time to take any notice!

Here is the letter:-

I used to feel so wanted and cared for, when I thought you were so loving and you wanted to do everything to make me happy.  But all that stopped a while ago.  I can see now, you were never genuine.  It was an act you put on to get what you wanted.    Even your daughter warned me about you but I didn’t listen.  I should have realised the first time you left me that you weren’t being honest with me.  You have moved out so many times that I never felt you really intended to stay forever.    I started to expect things to go wrong, that night you didn’t turn up when I waited in the bar for 2 hours.  It was very clear then that other people were far more important to you than I was and that you no longer cared for me the way that you had once pretended to.

I really loved you (or the person I thought you were).    I can see now that you knew this and took advantage of the fact.   I had trouble believing that you loved me even though you told me so often.  It never really felt true and now I know that is because it wasn’t.  It always seemed like you were trying to convince yourself as much as you were trying to convince me.    Words are easy to say.  I heard them all before.  You cannot say you used to love me but you don’t now, because if it was real love, it wouldn’t have gone.  Feelings change but love is either there forever or it wasn’t really love, it was just lust or infatuation.  The truth is, it was never there at all for you.  I can see that now.

We had problems but I wanted to sort things out, which is why I carried on seeing you when you begged me to, a few months ago.   I thought there was enough good between us to make it worth trying and making an effort for.  I thought that a bad year wasn’t enough to throw everything away, when in the future we could have been living the wonderful life we had planned, without any problems.  Before we married I told you that for me, marriage was for the rest of my life.  You told me more lies and agreed.    I expected to have good and bad times, but get through them by working things out together.  Obviously you didn’t feel that way, even though you told me that you did and it puzzles me why you didn’t just leave me alone when you left in February, instead of leading me on for 6 months making me believe we were getting somewhere and would sort things out soon.  I really expected you to move back within the next couple of months.  Why didn’t you tell me that you didn’t want to?  You said that things just haven’t worked out.  That’s because you didn’t want to solve our problems.  If two people love each other, any problem can be overcome.  It’s when love is only on one side that things don’t work out.

I cannot understand how you could pretend to enjoy being with me and want to have sex all the time (because I know now it wasn’t making love) when all along you didn’t love me and didn’t want to be with me anyway.  You told me you loved me and you missed me when we weren’t together, right up until a few days before you dropped your bombshell.    You even said the night before that you loved me, but it obviously wasn’t true, if all of sudden you don’t want to be with me and want to spend the rest of your life without me, which is the opposite of what you have always told me.

You blame me for not doing enough,  but I have done as much as I can.   You chose this and I have had to go along with it.  You have no idea how confusing and painful the last few months have been for me and I have had no control over any of it.  You made all the decisions.  You chose to abuse my son, you chose to leave, you chose to see me again and now you have chosen to end things between us.

I am sorry I have said some awful things to you.  I did it to hurt you as much as you have hurt me.  But I realise that it is a waste of time.  I will never be able to do that.    Maybe one day you will look back and think you made a mistake in leaving and regret throwing away what you could have had or maybe you will be really happy from now on.  There is nothing I can do to change things anyway.  After all, this is your choice and you don’t care what I feel or think so it is pointless trying.

And by the way, I know the real reason behind your decision, despite you trying to blame me.  I had hoped you would be man enough to tell me, but you are not, so carry on living your fake life and enjoy it.  Thank you for eventually showing me who you really are.  I wish you had done it sooner.


Wow, as I was marking all the  I was amazed at how many there were.  Why did I ignore them for so long?

[Popcorn71]

I wrote a letter to my exBPDh a few days after he had left me.  I had spent a few days texting him and looking for him but he had not replied to me so I wrote to him to try to explain how I felt.  When I read this letter today (5 months later after 6 weeks NC) I can clearly see a few  that I realised were problems back then, before I knew anything about BPD.

This has been helpful to me, because in a way it is more proof that he was the problem and there was nothing I could do to change things.  All the warning signs were there, it just took me a long long time to take any notice!

Here is the letter:-

I used to feel so wanted and cared for, when I thought you were so loving and you wanted to do everything to make me happy.  But all that stopped a while ago.  I can see now, you were never genuine.  It was an act you put on to get what you wanted.    Even your daughter warned me about you but I didn’t listen.  I should have realised the first time you left me that you weren’t being honest with me.  You have moved out so many times that I never felt you really intended to stay forever.    I started to expect things to go wrong, that night you didn’t turn up when I waited in the bar for 2 hours.  It was very clear then that other people were far more important to you than I was and that you no longer cared for me the way that you had once pretended to.

I really loved you (or the person I thought you were).    I can see now that you knew this and took advantage of the fact.   I had trouble believing that you loved me even though you told me so often.  It never really felt true and now I know that is because it wasn’t.  It always seemed like you were trying to convince yourself as much as you were trying to convince me.    Words are easy to say.  I heard them all before.  You cannot say you used to love me but you don’t now, because if it was real love, it wouldn’t have gone.  Feelings change but love is either there forever or it wasn’t really love, it was just lust or infatuation.  The truth is, it was never there at all for you.  I can see that now.

We had problems but I wanted to sort things out, which is why I carried on seeing you when you begged me to, a few months ago.   I thought there was enough good between us to make it worth trying and making an effort for.  I thought that a bad year wasn’t enough to throw everything away, when in the future we could have been living the wonderful life we had planned, without any problems.  Before we married I told you that for me, marriage was for the rest of my life.  You told me more lies and agreed.    I expected to have good and bad times, but get through them by working things out together.  Obviously you didn’t feel that way, even though you told me that you did and it puzzles me why you didn’t just leave me alone when you left in February, instead of leading me on for 6 months making me believe we were getting somewhere and would sort things out soon.  I really expected you to move back within the next couple of months.  Why didn’t you tell me that you didn’t want to?  You said that things just haven’t worked out.  That’s because you didn’t want to solve our problems.  If two people love each other, any problem can be overcome.  It’s when love is only on one side that things don’t work out.

I cannot understand how you could pretend to enjoy being with me and want to have sex all the time (because I know now it wasn’t making love) when all along you didn’t love me and didn’t want to be with me anyway.  You told me you loved me and you missed me when we weren’t together, right up until a few days before you dropped your bombshell.    You even said the night before that you loved me, but it obviously wasn’t true, if all of sudden you don’t want to be with me and want to spend the rest of your life without me, which is the opposite of what you have always told me.

You blame me for not doing enough,  but I have done as much as I can.   You chose this and I have had to go along with it.  You have no idea how confusing and painful the last few months have been for me and I have had no control over any of it.  You made all the decisions.  You chose to abuse my son, you chose to leave, you chose to see me again and now you have chosen to end things between us.

I am sorry I have said some awful things to you.  I did it to hurt you as much as you have hurt me.  But I realise that it is a waste of time.  I will never be able to do that.    Maybe one day you will look back and think you made a mistake in leaving and regret throwing away what you could have had or maybe you will be really happy from now on.  There is nothing I can do to change things anyway.  After all, this is your choice and you don’t care what I feel or think so it is pointless trying.

And by the way, I know the real reason behind your decision, despite you trying to blame me.  I had hoped you would be man enough to tell me, but you are not, so carry on living your fake life and enjoy it.  Thank you for eventually showing me who you really are.  I wish you had done it sooner.


Wow, as I was marking all the  I was amazed at how many there were.  Why did I ignore them for so long?

[Turkish]

I wrote a letter to my exBPDh a few days after he had left me.  I had spent a few days texting him and looking for him but he had not replied to me so I wrote to him to try to explain how I felt.  When I read this letter today (5 months later after 6 weeks NC) I can clearly see a few  that I realised were problems back then, before I knew anything about BPD.

This has been helpful to me, because in a way it is more proof that he was the problem and there was nothing I could do to change things.  All the warning signs were there, it just took me a long long time to take any notice!

Here is the letter:-

I am sorry I have said some awful things to you.  I did it to hurt you as much as you have hurt me.  But I realise that it is a waste of time.  I will never be able to do that. 

How did you feel after writing that? Do you expect a response, or even care to get one? Mine said one time that she lashed out with her anger because she wanted others to feel her pain. Do you think this is really you?

[Popcorn71]

How did you feel after writing that? Do you expect a response, or even care to get one? Mine said one time that she lashed out with her anger because she wanted others to feel her pain. Do you think this is really you?

I did expect some form of response and thought it would prompt him to get in touch and that maybe we could discuss our problems properly.  However, he didn't contact me at the time and has never mentioned this letter in the few times I have spoken to him since I sent it.

I did lash out in anger but I immediately realised it was the wrong thing to do which is why I apologised in the letter.  At the time I was devastated and frustrated that he just didn't care enough to even respond to me and talk things through.  He switched off and walked away without a care.  I couldn't understand how he could do this and not be hurt like I was so 'yes' I did want him to feel that pain too.  I am not proud of it, but I am still upset that he appears to be so happy while I am struggling to come to terms with it all.  It seems to be very unfair that he caused all this and I am the one to suffer.

[Turkish]

 The key word is " appears."  Yes,  it's frustrating and unjust,  but he showed you who he really is.

[CoasterRider]

funny I wrote a letter to my ex too after he first moved out, I wasn't sure if we were done or what I assumed we were. I pretty much describe all the symptoms of BPD, the defensiveness, the insecurity, the needing someone to feel whole happy, being ruled by primal dysregulated emotions, black and white thinking, pattern of negative self defeating thought, paranoia, fear, worry doubt. All of it was written in the moment, yet rings true to this day.

[Popcorn71]

funny I wrote a letter to my ex too after he first moved out, I wasn't sure if we were done or what I assumed we were. I pretty much describe all the symptoms of BPD, the defensiveness, the insecurity, the needing someone to feel whole happy, being ruled by primal dysregulated emotions, black and white thinking, pattern of negative self defeating thought, paranoia, fear, worry doubt. All of it was written in the moment, yet rings true to this day.

It goes to show, we were aware of things being 'wrong' but just not facing up to it until then.

Until that time, I never really felt things were over between my ex and I.  But when I wrote the letter I knew it was different from the previous breakups.  I just had a gut feeling that there was another woman, which was so out of character for him and so unbelievable.  I felt it, but didn't believe it for 6 weeks, until he finally admitted it to me.

But deep down, I knew all the other problems all along.  I was just ignoring them, hoping he would change.

[Popcorn71]

The key word is " appears."  Yes,  it's frustrating and unjust,  but he showed you who he really is.

I know this really.  When I think rationally about his current situation, it is difficult to see how he can ever be happy.  I know it's an act he is putting on.  It is a damned good act though!

But you are right, at least now I know about this act and see the real 'him'.

[CoasterRider]

funny I wrote a letter to my ex too after he first moved out, I wasn't sure if we were done or what I assumed we were. I pretty much describe all the symptoms of BPD, the defensiveness, the insecurity, the needing someone to feel whole happy, being ruled by primal dysregulated emotions, black and white thinking, pattern of negative self defeating thought, paranoia, fear, worry doubt. All of it was written in the moment, yet rings true to this day.

It goes to show, we were aware of things being 'wrong' but just not facing up to it until then.

Until that time, I never really felt things were over between my ex and I.  But when I wrote the letter I knew it was different from the previous breakups.  I just had a gut feeling that there was another woman, which was so out of character for him and so unbelievable.  I felt it, but didn't believe it for 6 weeks, until he finally admitted it to me.

But deep down, I knew all the other problems all along.  I was just ignoring them, hoping he would change.

Francis Bacon said "hope is a good breakfast but a terrible supper"