Stupid I-Pad... Mehr... Kept it NC

[Johnny Alias]

Renovating my home... . and in painting my bedroom i found her Ipad lodged behind the bed.  Returned it through a mutual friend with no message to maintain NC.  I know she was upset when she lost it and keeping it would be bad karma. 

Kinda dead inside right now... . That was weird. 

Gonna work out tonight.  Get the sweat on.  Stop by home depot for a light fixture.  Just ordered a headboard. 

Can't let thoughts of her overwhelm me.  Not now.  Not when all is tenuous... .

[janey62]

Hey Johnny,

It's so hard.  You've got the right idea though, do stuff to take your mind off it, do whatever you have to not to get overwhelmed!

I am just now parting from mine and know I'll be in the same place as you are before long.

Sending you positive thoughts tonight... .

Janey xx

[heartandwhole]

Gonna work out tonight.  Get the sweat on.  Stop by home depot for a light fixture.  Just ordered a headboard.  

Good.  Sweat it out, then do something else.  Step by step, no projecting further than the next hour or so.  Stay focused, Johnny, you can do this.  

[Johnny Alias]

Gonna work out tonight.  Get the sweat on.  Stop by home depot for a light fixture.  Just ordered a headboard. 

Good.  Sweat it out, then do something else.  Step by step, no projecting further than the next hour or so.  Stay focuses, Johnny, you can do this.   

Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  It's funny how something as stupid as an ipad could set me off.  At first I considered attaching a note with it saying she needs to apologize to a friend who she accused of having an affair with me.  Totally nuts.  I've never even kissed her friend.  Needless to say they dont talk anymore at all. 

I thought better on it.  Getting someone to apologize with BPD I feel is a typically fruitless venture unless they are getting therapy and really mean what they say.  Doesn't matter if I'm disengaging anyway. 

Thanks again.  That stupid thing is out of my house and i've got dates set up throughout the week.  Always distract yourself.  Always. 

[seeking balance]

Renovating my home... . and in painting my bedroom i found her Ipad lodged behind the bed.  Returned it through a mutual friend with no message to maintain NC.  I know she was upset when she lost it and keeping it would be bad karma. 

good job sticking with your VALUES rather than simply tossing it.

Kinda dead inside right now... . That was weird. 

yeah, I know that feeling - weird feeling nothing the first time.

Gonna work out tonight.  Get the sweat on.  Stop by home depot for a light fixture.  Just ordered a headboard. 

Can't let thoughts of her overwhelm me.  Not now.  Not when all is tenuous... .

Good distractions - healthy

Johnny - gotta give you an A++ on this, looking good!

[Johnny Alias]

Proud of myself.  The mutual friend returned it and tried to tell me what the ex said but I cut her off with "I don't want to hear about it."  She understood completely. 

You have to erase them.  Period.  She's nothing but a memory... . like a bomb that went off in your face in the past kind of memory.  Lol.  Reengaging in any way shape or form would be like hearing a tailpipe backfire and hitting the ground.   

[Johnny Alias]

Ugh.  Still feel kind of empty inside... . like in the past when she used to reach out and I'd delete the message or vm without hearing it.  Ugh.  Damn. 

Just didn't want to be a thief.  Tried to do the right thing... . why should i fricking care what her response is?  I'm like pavlov's dog I swear.  Just refusing the slightest potential for reconciliation puts me into a tailspin.  This woman is straight heroin for my codependent mind.  Bleah. 

[winston72]

JA... . I hear you!  If nothing else, your pain leads to poetic posts.  This is so true, "Just refusing the slightest potential for reconciliation puts me into a tailspin."  The act of enacting no contact becomes its own form of contact!

Just takes time for things to heal and mend and then for some new nerve endings to grow. 

For me, it would hurt and I would spin... . then it would hurt and I wished it wouldn't... . then it would just hurt... . then the hurt was okay... . now it just hurts less... . and I then become afraid that if it doesn't hurt any more that it means it is really over!  But, no more spinning and aching and all that stuff.

Better days ahead.

[Johnny Alias]

JA... . I hear you!  If nothing else, your pain leads to poetic posts.  This is so true, "Just refusing the slightest potential for reconciliation puts me into a tailspin."  ... . and I then become afraid that if it doesn't hurt any more that it means it is really over! 

Wow.  That is RIGHT on the money.  That's the final step of letting go of this whacked out addiction... . and it is scary. 

[seeking balance]

  Tried to do the right thing... . why should i fricking care what her response is? 

You DID the right thing, my guess is you did the right thing in the relationship at times only for that to be used against you later... . you really are right Pavlov's dog - so the way to rewire the brain is doing what you are doing - also what is really helpful is to challenge your thoughts.

Is it true you care about her response or is it true that you are afraid (fear) a response - subtle, but huge in terms of rethinking and rewiring your own emotions.  If it is fear based, challenge that - can she actually hurt you now, no - you are safe (wounded) but safe.  Remind yourself of this often.  You are ok.

[winston72]

Great points, SB.  It took me a long time to identify the fear within me, just to identify it... . then to realize that it was not necessary or applicable any more... . my, how deeply rooted that was... . and, of course, its origin is a base of fear from other things.  Thanks, Mom!

[seeking balance]

It took me a long time to identify the fear within me, just to identify it... . then to realize that it was not necessary or applicable any more... . my, how deeply rooted that was... . and, of course, its origin is a base of fear from other things.  Thanks, Mom!

Right! How many Therapist's have beach houses from our moms 

[winston72]

SB!  Had to seriously laugh at that one!  Oh, my... . so true.

[In_n_Out]

Hang in there Johnny, I know all about those "triggers".  I'm in and out of medical offices all day long for work.  If (more like when) a damn "Coldplay" song comes on, I have to run to the bathroom until I know that it's over or else I'll be a mess for the rest of the day.  You can be damned sure that Coldplay isn't on my ipod playlist during my workouts!

[Johnny Alias]

  Tried to do the right thing... . why should i fricking care what her response is? 

Is it true you care about her response or is it true that you are afraid (fear) a response - subtle, but huge in terms of rethinking and rewiring your own emotions.  If it is fear based, challenge that - can she actually hurt you now, no - you are safe (wounded) but safe. 

God she can.  That's a hard realization but it's true.  :)espite my logical rational mind saying she was a train wreck of a disaster, her hopping to a new fella and portraying her life as absolutely perfect without me does a HUGE number on my EGO.  Ouch.  Thing is I know not all is perfect in Mudville and that there is fighting, drama, major substance abuse, and all the crap I don't want in my home.  Need to reflect on this.  Need to stay safe.  

God, when I think on it she said more cruel things to me than ANYONE ever has in my LIFE despite all I was doing for her.  That's the codependency talking.  That's how brainwashed I am.  On some level I still think it was MY fault... . but in reality that's nowhere near true... . according to my family, therapist, friends, and her ex friends who refuse to talk to her again.  Wish my heart read opinion polls... .

[Johnny Alias]

Oh and In N Out for me its any Black Eyed Peas song... . Woof. 

[winston72]

JA... . all I can say is, Yup, Yup, Yup... . you nailed it for me, too.

Got to keep putting the "facts" into the right places in my mind so the "feelings" line up... . just ain't right that the sensations of a warm attachment stay so strong with someone who generated so much pain and discord.  Hmm... . again, thanks, Mom!

God she can.  That's a hard realization but it's true.  Despite my logical rational mind saying she was a train wreck of a disaster, her hopping to a new fella and portraying her life as absolutely perfect without me does a HUGE number on my EGO.  Ouch.  Thing is I know not all is perfect in Mudville and that there is fighting, drama, major substance abuse, and all the crap I don't want in my home.  Need to reflect on this.  Need to stay safe. 

God, when I think on it she said more cruel things to me than ANYONE ever has in my LIFE despite all I was doing for her.  That's the codependency talking.  That's how brainwashed I am.  On some level I still think it was MY fault... . but in reality that's nowhere near true... . according to my family, therapist, friends, and her ex friends who refuse to talk to her again.  Wish my heart read opinion polls... .