I'm just the step parent...

[bravhart1]

my husbands BPDex is focused on making me the problem.

she sends out the most heinous emails accusing me of outrageous behavior.

BPD mom tells her D5 that she wants to hurt me physically and that she is worried for her daughters safety in my care, even suggesting I may kill her!

now she is complaining to the co-parent counselor that I take care of D5 two days a week after school and that my husband should not be working an "excessive" amount of time (40 hours a week) and parent his own daughter. she refuses to do exchanges with me and sometimes if I am just present at the exchange she tries to leave with their daughter.

she is trying to make it seem as though I am the problem. they've been over for three years. at first the therapists said "give her time to get over it",

but tell me, she's not going to is she? she's going to keep using this poor girl as the bat to keep beating us over the head with isn't she?

my head reels at the thought of using your child in this way... .

[DreamGirl]

This stuff is so hard.   :'(

Do you deal with a stepmama to your own kiddos?

BPD is a mood regulating disorder - with the core wound being abandonment.

So what that means is that it's really hard for her to process through the common but tough emotions - jealousy, loss of control, fear - when it comes to her daughter having another mother-type figure.

There's different ways of handling it. I tend to go the softer approach, I help the mama to my stepdaughters soothe some of those emotions. i.e. when my own stepdaughters' mama had major issues with me, I made myself scarce. For her benefit and for mine.

"give her time to get over it", but tell me, she's not going to is she?

I don't think she'll change if that's what you mean.

I also wouldn't place my happiness in the hands of her getting over it. The only time that the mama to my stepdaughters started down the path of change was the moment that I changed my perception of her. If that makes sense.

I accepted that she struggles in a 1,042 different ways because of her disorder. Especially when it comes to being a mama. I can not change that. I can not fix that. What I can do - is stop expecting/hoping that she'd be someone different.

That's how I got over it.  

[bravhart1]

our little girl is so little though, only 5. she is so confused and conflicted. how do you find the compassion for mama when D5 is being mentally and emotionally abused. and all in the name of "mother of the year" at that!

you seem to have sound a way to not let the anger eat you up, clearly.

any advice for dealing with that?

thanks

[DreamGirl]

you seem to have sound a way to not let the anger eat you up, clearly.

any advice for dealing with that?

Wine?  

My compassion is an acquired trait. It came after I almost filed for divorce because I was so tired of all that comes with having a mentally ill person in such close proximity. It came after the dynamic in my marriage changed - my husband started dealing with her and I was on a need to know basis. I started my own counseling and figured out my own role in the dysfunction that was my life - i.e. I have some pretty strong "rescuer" traits and it caused some Karpman Triangle conflict.

My thoughts... .

You have majority time - 70%.

She's 5.

Every expert in the field recommends counseling when there is an active alienating parent. We can actually unknowingly drive the children towards the alienating parent when we handle these situations in a poor manner.

I'd get a professional involved.

Have you heard of Divorce Poison by Warshak?

You can covertly battle alienation in some pretty profound ways... .

[bravhart1]

yes! I can relate. have been thinking that my only way out of this cycle is to leave them all behind. but don't want to break up my marriage because of her. I have read the divorce poison book and think it's very good.

is dealing with a BPD making me BPD?

is being on a need to know basis the answer? I feel bad leaving DH out in the cold. but it seems I am more overwhelmed by it than he is. and I worry he isn't handling it right.

we all have counselors, and they all agree she is a tough case. including her own counselor.

just feeling so weighed down with her drama, I can't live my life. how do you step back when a five year is in need? can't be done.

how do you deal with the underlying resentment toward husband for bringing this into our lives?

[DreamGirl]

is being on a need to know basis the answer? I feel bad leaving DH out in the cold. but it seems I am more overwhelmed by it than he is. and I worry he isn't handling it right.

It was my answer. It might not be yours.

I also don't think that there is a "right" way to handle these kinds of situations. Your husband has to deal with it in a way that is "right for him".

My husband is still in this enmeshed, bickering, boundary busting relationship with his ex-wife. I support him as his wife by having faith in his ability to handle his own stuff. Actually the moment I stopped being overly involved in the going-ons of his stuff with his ex, the more confident he became in dealing with her. (I had a therapist in my ear telling me how to gently lay all of it back in his lap)

I got off the drama triangle.

we all have counselors, and they all agree she is a tough case. including her own counselor.

Do you have one specifically just for you?

just feeling so weighed down with her drama, I can't live my life. how do you step back when a five year is in need? can't be done.

Don't get caught up in the catastrophic thinking. You can live your life. You're just taking part in a choice in that is preventing you from it.

I stepped back from a 3 year old. A 6 year old. A 9 year old. I know that it can be done because I did it.

I'm not their savior. They may very well end up just like their mama and my thoughts are that the youngest one will one day be her mama's caretaker. She is already caught up in the kind of family legacy that will keep her attached to her mama in some pretty unhealthy ways. It's simply their path in this life and the best I can do is support them on their path - not keep trying to somehow change it. She's their mama. We all have to learn to deal with our parents.

Part of that is MY learning to deal with their mama in all her glory. It's hard sometimes, but that has a lot more to do with my abilities and my resilience. I can lead by example in this as well. Eat well. Pay attention to my own health. Not let the stress reek havoc in my life so much that I feel like I can't handle it. Loving them in a healthy and productive way does not have to involve my complete self-sacrifice and turning myself inside out. 

That's not a lesson that will help them in dealing with a disordered mom. Good boundaries and a solid value system might though. Let them know that their needs are important and help those needs get met. Allow them to be kids when they are with us. Not participate in the black and white thinking of "mom is bad, dad is good" but rather encourage "mom is mom, dad is dad". 

I will help them as much as I humanly can - but not at the expense of my own health. My own marriage. I'm not a super hero. I'm just a person. The world won't stop rotating on it's axis if my stepdaughters struggle in this life.

how do you deal with the underlying resentment toward husband for bringing this into our lives?

I expected him to do a better job of taking care of it.

I developed better boundaries in my marriage.

[bravhart1]

thanks for the words of support. please know they don't fall on deaf ears. I will be mulling it over... . will try to get back here Friday. maybe we can talk again then.

and thanks again

[Nope]

DreamGirl, this post nearly made me cry. I'm also having the worst time with all of this. I keep telling my S.O. that all we can do is try and it will be up to the court ultimately. But it's all so exhausting. One of my coworkers is a volunteer EMT and she told me that when she gets to the site of a bad wreck she holds on to her sanity by reminding herself, "I'll do what I can to help, but I didn't put these people in this situation. I can do what I can, but I didn't cause this." Intellectually, I know that this applies to our situations as step moms. But in my heart it's just so hard to watch.

[DreamGirl]

DreamGirl, this post nearly made me cry. I'm also having the worst time with all of this. I keep telling my S.O. that all we can do is try and it will be up to the court ultimately. But it's all so exhausting. One of my coworkers is a volunteer EMT and she told me that when she gets to the site of a bad wreck she holds on to her sanity by reminding herself, "I'll do what I can to help, but I didn't put these people in this situation. I can do what I can, but I didn't cause this." Intellectually, I know that this applies to our situations as step moms. But in my heart it's just so hard to watch.

     

I really like the EMT analogy.

It is defeating... .

However, to me, I feel like being defeated is a perception. It's a "she's winning" and "I'm losing". It's the same kind of thinking that causes a pwBPD to fight so hard. I literally had an epiphany moment at one point in that I realized that she will never stop fighting. Ever. She also doesn't really keep the gloves up. Being truthful is not really one of her virtues.  

In the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, it talks about a pwBPD's inner turmoil of constantly not feeling in control. She's continually grasping at it - so when she feels like she's losing it? Look out.

Chaos is comfortable for her. It's not that she necessarily enjoys crisis, she just doesn't know what to do with herself in peace and harmony. So she'll kinda go looking for drama. I can't tell you how many times we would get a phone call on a Sunday evening (when she was sitting all by herself ) and she would almost pick a fight with the husband over something so random.

It wasn't personal though (even though it sure does feel like it). It was just part of her poor coping skills.    

What helped my husband and I the most is when I didn't inflame these situations.

If she calls on a Sunday demanding pictures that she's accusing of him of "stealing" 5 years ago during the divorce (true story)... .

I don't get into a big hoo-rah about how crazy she is and that I can't believe she's accusing him of stealing his own pictures! I instead validate that it sucks to have that directed in his direction, but let's assess the situation.

Bottom line, she wants some pictures of the kiddos. She feels guilty perhaps because she doesn't really have any (she's moved about 112 times since the divorce) and I've learned that a pwBPD doesn't do well with shame/guilt emotions.

Where can she get pictures? The hubs.

How can she feel better about the guilt? Call and blame the hubs.

How can she forego all accountability? Demand the return of pictures.

So this is where we have better coping skills.

So we choose to have compassion for this person who will never really be able to get it together. We dissect what's going on and uphold our own values which is to be considerate and fair when it comes to these things. If she had called and said "Hey, I can't seem to find some of the pictures of the girls. Do you have any that you'd be willing to give me?"

The result would be that we would find some pictures and hand them over. Or make copies.

We can't alter our own behavior based on someone else's.  

We live our life based on our own value system. It takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of depersonalization.

I'm also lucky in that she has moments where I really like her. I know that it must be hard being her, because she really, really struggles. It helps me so much in looking at her humanity and empathize in those moments.

Otherwise I'll hate her... .

And hate will eat you up from the inside out. Ask Yoda.  

[bravhart1]

Dreamgirl.

again thanks for your words of wisdom. I am taking everything you say to heart. It seems like you have really made some peace with this. and I need to find that. this situation is tearing us all apart.

I feel so guilty that I have been neglecting myself, my health, my friends and even my own children to deal with this person. I let her consume my life. I realize I need to step back and find some way to find the balance here, otherwise I'm not helping anyone anyway.

thanks again!

[david]

I don't know if this will help. I have found that the less my xBPDw thinks she is affecting me, upsetting me, etc. the less things she does to affect me. We have two kids together and I only communicate through email. Email takes emotions and body language out of the mix. My ex is very good at reading me and she can't do that through email.

Once I detached enough, and that took around two years, things got better for the kids and I.

I am a stepdad to ex's kids too. I have a very good relationship with two of them. They have known me for over 15 years and actually had an intervention with me telling me I need to divorce their mom. The oldest has a serious substance abuse problem and doesn't talk to me or his brothers. He is enmeshed with his mom.

[bravhart1]

Things seem to be getting worse. While I've been sitting here reading about BPD and how I can improve the situation, she's been plotting and planning.

I don't want to sound paranoid, but some stuff has happened that makes it clear I may be in some danger. don't think the police would listen as it's just all watching behavior, but my radar is up and I feel threatened.

Do you think BPD people are capable of being this dangerous? Is criminal behavior part of this?

she has aliened herself with some very shady (gang looking) people that show up at the school in the mornings and are clearly watching me.

What should I do?

[NorthernGirl]

Hi bravhart. I've been following this post as I'm a stepmom to 3 kids. My DH's ex is UBPD. She has blamed me for many things -- usually when she has felt threatened -but as far as I know she hasn't tried to physically harm me in any way.

I just saw your note about being concerned for your safety. I'm no expert in this area but it sounds like it is serious enough for you to talk with the police. Take along whatever "evidence" you have. Even if they don't do anything now, if this escalates they will have something on file. Plus they may be able to give you advice about how to deal with what you feel is going on.

I can't answer the question about a BPD being dangerous -- but I think anyone has the ability to be dangerous and do things to harm others. If you feel something is up, then you should be taking steps to look after yourself and make sure you stay safe. If nothing else, ask the police to help you with what you can and should do.

Others with more experience with someone who might be dangerous can chime in with advice. But I think you should make sure you take steps to ensure your safety.

[Nope]

Yes, go to the police and start a paper trail. After enough strange stuff adds up then the police may become more interested.

Maybe an officer would be willing to go by the school in the morning and talk to them. Shady people hanging around outside of a school could raise red flags that have nothing to do with you.