Never seen this before

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Somehting I've never seen mentioned on the boards is mention of decision making times while in relationships with people suffering from BPD. Forgive me if it has been covered, I must have missed it.

I couldn't sleep tonight so went for a late night winter walk, mulled some stuff over, and a question popped into my head.

I know that everyone is different & it's easy to attribute everything we struggled with from our partner, as a symptom of BPD. But I'm sure everyone has quirks that irritate or frustrate their partners from time to time. So maybe, not everything we struggled with was a product of the illness. Maybe some things were a product of individuality.

My question is... . Did anyone else experience their BPD partner making decisions on their own, that should have really included you, as their relationship partner?

I recall several occasions when my uBPDex would make the decisions on her own, that most couples would discuss & decide together, after considering each other views & feelings!

I found some of this extremely invalidating and sometimes hurtful or disrespectful.

Again, I've never seen this mentioned here before so may just be an individual thing & nothing to do with BPD.

Moonie.

[Moonie75]

Somehting I've never seen mentioned on the boards is mention of decision making times while in relationships with people suffering from BPD. Forgive me if it has been covered, I must have missed it.

I couldn't sleep tonight so went for a late night winter walk, mulled some stuff over, and a question popped into my head.

I know that everyone is different & it's easy to attribute everything we struggled with from our partner, as a symptom of BPD. But I'm sure everyone has quirks that irritate or frustrate their partners from time to time. So maybe, not everything we struggled with was a product of the illness. Maybe some things were a product of individuality.

My question is... . Did anyone else experience their BPD partner making decisions on their own, that should have really included you, as their relationship partner?

I recall several occasions when my uBPDex would make the decisions on her own, that most couples would discuss & decide together, after considering each other views & feelings!

I found some of this extremely invalidating and sometimes hurtful or disrespectful.

Again, I've never seen this mentioned here before so may just be an individual thing & nothing to do with BPD.

Moonie.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. In round 2, as devaluation progressed, my exUBPDgf began to exclude me in an increasing manner as far as relationship things were concerned. That was tied in to her attention shifting to everyone else as it decreased towards me.

[Moonie75]

Interesting Ironman, that you only saw it in devaluation time, and only second round, not first as well!

I pretty much faced this as a constant throughout the relationship. In the idealization phase near the beginning, I'd moved to be with her & found employment in her town. And was staying with her while I looked to rent a pad locally, local to her & my new job.

Then within 3 weeks of this she bought a house an hour away! Never even asked me anything about this or discussed a single aspect of it with me. Told me when the papers had been signed & used the excuse I was at work when she viewed. I found that invalidating & hurtful that she didn't even consider that I'd moved to be with her in her town, and she casually moved an hour away without a discussion.

Like I say, that was still in the honeymoon!

I never saw this kind of stuff mentioned here & thought it may just be quirk of her own individuality.

[buddy1226]

Yes! Every decision that should have been done as a couple was done by her. Having to walk on eggshells I allowed it. What were my choices. Disagree and fight about it?

[Moonie75]

We fought about it! I didn't realize others had faced this! As said, I've never seen this discussed here.

[Ironmanrises]

I wasnt around her as much in round 1 of relationship(LDR), i was around her a lot for round 2.by round 2, i was finely tuned to all of her behavior. Almost felt like a sick experiment i had knowingly allowed myself to get into, i was predicting all of her behavior way ahead of time.

[Moonie75]

by round 2, i was finely tuned to all of her behavior. Almost felt like a sick experiment i had knowingly allowed myself to get into, i was predicting all of her behavior way ahead of time.

Kind of understand that mate. Your description of it as some kind of experiment with predicting behavior and so on. Sometimes friend, sometimes lover, sometimes Dr Frankenstein?

[jynx]

1.  Bought my daughter a car from his now live in gf, knowing that my daughter was saving money to buy her own car.

2.  Told me the night before that he had called a real estate agent to list the house for sale, and that she was coming the next day.  We never even discussed selling the house.

[Tausk]

It's not uncommon at all.  

Question:



If you firmly believed, with all your heart and soul, that your partner was soon going to abandon you to forever be alone... . how would your decision making process function?

And a lack of empathy doesn't help.  How good was your ex at buying gifts?

It's a spectrum, but pwBPD have limited capacity in so many areas of their lives.  That's why so many kill themselves.  It's too confusing to function in a world where the vast majority of people see, feel, and think so differently.  

Sadness.

[buddy1226]

Funny you mention the gift thing. I was with my ex for two years amd married her after 6 months (yes, I'm the biggest fool ever)... I wanted to be married and she is hot and age appropriate.

Anyway, I do not have a single thing she ever gave me. Not a card, a birthday gift, Valentines day... nothing... Granted we were always broke up at Christmas and my birthday is the day after... but not a single thing do I have that she gave me except some false, trumped up charges to defend.

[Moonie75]

Tausk, your post makes a lot of sense. Although my ex was superb at choosing gifts. I thought most would be? Love bombing gives em plenty of practice!

Although I don't want to sound like I'm bashing my ex. And i found your simple connection to not discussing things with the belief of abandonment very logical. I hadn't thought of that.

[Ironmanrises]

by round 2, i was finely tuned to all of her behavior. Almost felt like a sick experiment i had knowingly allowed myself to get into, i was predicting all of her behavior way ahead of time.

Kind of understand that mate. Your description of it as some kind of experiment with predicting behavior and so on. Sometimes friend, sometimes lover, sometimes Dr Frankenstein?

What disturbed me the most was my predictions coming true. I knew once she was triggered, her attentionwas going to shift, i knew she would start speaking to me at first nasty, and than slowly and slowly decrease communication while increasing it in direct proportion to everyone else. Texts went from dozens a day, paragraph long to a few a day with one word responses. Her interactions with me as a couple in social media plummeted too. That is when the orbiting guys started making more and more overt appearances. Than came the silent treatment in the form of: we will only communicate via text. Phone calls with me were no longer allowed. I endured a month of that alone. When i finally raised my voice in sheer frustration, that is when she discarded me. Exactly as i knew would unfold.

[In_n_Out]

Yes.  We were living together and she was (as I later learned) in the "devaluing" stage.  The lease was coming up and the landlord wanted to jack the rent up $50 to put my name on the lease.  My ex decided for us that she wanted to stay in the house but that it would be better if I had my own place.  So, she found a townhome and talked to the landlady and next thing I know, I'm signing my own lease even before I knew what the hell just happened (literally).  I thought that was the beginning of the end of our r/s but now I know that it had already begun to end, this was one of the final nails in the coffin on it.

[Tausk]

Tausk, your post makes a lot of sense. Although my ex was superb at choosing gifts. I thought most would be? Love bombing gives em plenty of practice!

Although I don't want to sound like I'm bashing my ex. And i found your simple connection to not discussing things with the belief of abandonment very logical. I hadn't thought of that.

And furthermore, I would think that having an affair, or having a back-up partner waiting in the wings, might also be considered a decision that our exes wBPD made on their own and one that we might have wanted to be able to weigh in on 

sadness

[thisyoungdad]

YES! It happened all the time and frustrated the heck out of me! Or the opposite where she refused and I had to make them all, like I am now with our daughter. I would unfortunately get angry and we would fight about it because I didn't know what I was dealing with.

[Dog biscuit]

Yes, happend all the time. I too was in a LDR, and have no exact idea of how many decisions that should have included me, were made by him, without including me. Now, in hindsight, with all these things slowly unraveling, it looks almost like he lived somewhat of a double live.

It's horrible to discover how many crucial information he hid from me.

[DiamondSW]

Yes,

Mine had a VISA problem with UK immigration -she was on a student visa and wasn't a student anymore (come to think of it, wasn't 'anything' anymore)...

I tried to get her to go to the immigration people asap, one day literally said 'we're going there'... . to which I got told mind my own business.

Then with 4 weeks remaining on VISA she said she was going to emigrate to Canada (with no money?/job?) where she had a brother (and she'd live with him, his wife and baby).  "Have you asked them if you can stay?" I asked... .


er, noo "but it won't be a problem"

OK... . but what about me?  What about us? 

... .   time passed ... .

with 24hrs to go suddenly the VISA was 'all sorted' and 'I didn't have to worry'?

So, she put me through hell, worried about our future, my job, our relationship... . and I really think it was a big game.  Not sure how she's in the UK at all now... .   might be an interesting one for the authorities?  (but she is here)

if I were a cruel person... .   how tempted could I be?     VERY

[phantom17]

This makes perfect sense.

[Waifed]

Absolutely,

It is a form of control and manipulation.  It is common for controlling people to purposely leave you out of decisions, especially big ones.  It is a way to strike a blow at your self esteem.  They fear abandonment.  They use control to make you believe that you are not worthy of anyone else but them. 

[myself]

I saw it too many times. Do things for us that really only served herself.

She also didn't follow through with the decisions we made together.

Most things were left up to me. Then she'd say I was being controlling.

[toomanytears]

I live in the uk and my BPDh (soon to be ex) applied for a job in holland without telling me. He got the job and took it without agreement or discussion. He had a perfectly good position in the UK which he could have stuck at. I let him go without a fuss and made the best of things, going to and fro to holland and trying to keep our life together but our marriage went downhill in the end. I don't think our son, now aged 21, ever forgave him for leaving him in his teenage years. The fantastic job in holland that he gave up so much for ended in redundancy not long after.  He found a new one in the UK but by then the damage was done to our family life and marriage. He started going to quaker meetings and forming new relationships. It was so sad that he could not be happy with his family who loved him so. I wonder how long this new life of his will last... .

[mgl210]

Its ironic when you think about it. Sometimes my former would ask me for advice on how to handle situations and I would offer my two cents and I would get accused of telling her what to do. Sometimes when I would just be passive, I would get accused of not caring. It seems no matter what you do with them, that they will always find something negative to say about you. I wish I had the answer for you and all of us on this board that are going through this difficult time. I can only say that we are each other's support and together we will be a survivor of the pain and become stronger people because of it

MGL

[toomanytears]

Its ironic when you think about it. Sometimes my former would ask me for advice on how to handle situations and I would offer my two cents and I would get accused of telling her what to do. Sometimes when I would just be passive, I would get accused of not caring. It seems no matter what you do with them, that they will always find something negative to say about you. I wish I had the answer for you and all of us on this board that are going through this difficult time. I can only say that we are each other's support and together we will be a survivor of the pain and become stronger people because of it

MGL

Yup, mgl210, damned if you do, damned if you don't. You can't do right for doing wrong with these people. This board is so helpful and so are all you boarders. Whenever I feel myself getting emotional and hooked back this is where I come to get a reality check.

[thisyoungdad]

Absolutely,

It is a form of control and manipulation.  It is common for controlling people to purposely leave you out of decisions, especially big ones.  It is a way to strike a blow at your self esteem.  They fear abandonment.  They use control to make you believe that you are not worthy of anyone else but them. 

I never thought of it this way before, but that makes sense because for a long time after she left me, but before I could recognize what it was, I was trying to get her back out my own fear or feeling that no one else would ever have me so I had to get her back. So odd really since it was her fear of abandonment that lead to her walking out, and yet she wanted me to feel like I wasn't worthy of anyone else? I can't imagine it was a conscious thing on her part...

[thisyoungdad]

I saw it too many times. Do things for us that really only served herself.

She also didn't follow through with the decisions we made together.

Most things were left up to me. Then she'd say I was being controlling.

Yes this sounds a lot like our relationship especially the last few months of it. Especially the part about not following through unless it served her somehow. Most things, even after she left me and we were selling her house (she bought with her first ex that she did the same thing she did to me with, but they never lived in it together. We lived most our relationship in it and I never had my name on the house but the first ex did still until we sold it, much to both our surprise) she wanted me to make the big decisions. I had nothing in it, yet I did it... . in my effort to win her back or something. It was absolutely a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" situation. In fact with our daughter it still is that way. So frustrating and hard to deal with.