How to make the heart catch up to the head?

[Rebuilding me]

I have been up and down thought I was doing good until finding out how quickly I was replaced! That was dumb of me! Than it all hit me! The truth of it all! I'm glad I found out so the reality can set in! Nc here on out nothing! I found this out two weeks ago and sent her a text calling her cold and heartless! I have been pretty messed up seeing the truth, but I can see things for what they were and are coming out of the fog which is painful, yet liberating in a way! My head accepts these painful truths, but my heart still holds on to the idea of soulmate. I know this is not true in my head, but damn my heart.

I went to the gym today and a movie by myself to prove to myself I could! I'm ready to fight back! I'm the type of man that can get emotionally stirred at movies, books etc, when good overcomes evil, light over darkness etc... . I can shed tears of joy! A little embarrassing but I think that way in life! I am a man of faith and a sucker for the underdog overcoming all odds to triumph! I like that about myself! It is my deep convictions of righteousness (sp) and good in life!

This is why when I am stirred in these feelings, naturally I think of my xuBPDgf, and how I finally thought I found my over the rainbow  moment in life with her, only to have it shattered!

I have always been an idealist  and some would think that naive, but I can't think  of another way or point to be! Sometimes I wish I wasn't!  Maybe I am naive. My relationships sure make me feel so! I know I have work and will do it!  But I don't want to be jaded and I will fight to love again someday! No time soon!

1. But how can I get my heart to catch up to my mind in this devastatingly shattering experience?

2. I like that I am a dreamer, but is dreaming and idealism my problem? Does that make me the naive fool I feel to be at the moment?

3. This is so reality shattering! I want to rebuild, but should idealism be left out of the equation?

[max101]

hahah, you just described me We are so similar and I am proud of being like this.

I do not think we need to change at all, this was not the cause of our horrible relationships.

On the other hand we might have some co-dependency issues and need to learn to watch out for red flags in order  not to repeat such relationships in the future.

Take care of yourself and find other sources of joy and inspiration. I noticed having a simple beer with a male friend after a long time being trapped by her helped me a lot.

[mgl210]

Described me to a T... Thanks for assuring me I'm not insane

Mgl

[Tolou]

Rebuilding... . It's a good question... .

you make the heart catch up by listening to your mind instead of acting on the hearts desires.  Also ask yourself what loves really is and means and can it be obtained so quickly?  How meaningful is it when you come to use those words, terms, meanings with someone who you really don't know that well, is that really love?  Remember, regardless of who said it first, it was said back, ask why... . Love is something that takes time to grow, learn of one another, become accepted and it's wonderful bonding experience.  The heart is beautiful and sometimes we follow it and it leads us well, but when your mind is saying something, like seeing a redflag, wait a minute, do not ignore that.  Say something, being naive or Mr. nice guy, thats not going to help one bit... . It's good you went to out on your own, your life and happiness do not depend on anyone but you,

[Rebuilding me]

Described me to a T... Thanks for assuring me I'm not insane

Mgl

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one!

Tolou

I know what to beware of in the future! I will not miss the red flags! I will be very, very slow to fall in love! I need my heart to catch up to my mind from this experience!

[In_n_Out]

I'm a sensitive guy as well.  It's funny but I'm a 275lbs bodybuilder and I will get shaken up at sad movies, books or events.  And I cried like a baby when I first found out that my ex was seeing another guy so quickly after walking out.  But I'm also very loyal to those things that I believe in and I have only the utmost respect for those that are loyal to their causes as well.  When my ex walked out of my house one night and ran in to the arms of another man, that was an act of disloyalty and I will never forgive her for that.  The years of "rescuing" the little waife that found herself in situation after situation only to have her begin to paint me black and then just promptly toss me aside so furiates me right now... . and honestly, it's been better than any steroid in the gym because I am just living insanly amounts of weight right now... .

But, more on point, my heart still lags behind my head.  My heart still gets triggered.  I was in an office just this week and "Coldplay" came on.  My ex introduced me to Coldplay and we went to their concert and frankly that wasn't something that I would normally listen to but you get the idea... . a strong connection that will immediately remind me of her.  I had to quickly get up and get in to the bathroom to let the tears run down my cheeks without somebody else seeing me.  I had to sit in there long enough until I knew that the damn song would be over.  Meanwhile, I'm in there and my head is saying "What the heck?  A silly song over a cheating POS girlfriend?" but I just let the tears flow.  I am not suppressing any emotions.  That is part of the natural healing process.  Let them flow. 

Thankfully, it's been less and less tears lately but they do still come every now and then as I just described.  Others have said that the breakup with their BPD ex was the hardest breakup compared to all others and I agree; in my case this has certainly been the toughest.  Maybe just because it's the freshest.

What is helping my heart to catch up to my mind?  Exercise.  I'm about to go do a morning cardio right now.  The endorphins elevate my mood and get me out of the funk.  It's a temporary fix so I guess that's why I'm working out twice a day now for about 3 hours a day total.  Hell, I should be in plenty good shape for my next relationship; in body, in mind and in soul... . because of my personal growth and "recovery" program.   

Chin up, we'll all get through this.

[irishmarmot]

For me, it is just going to take some time.  I am feeling better but it will be at least a year before I can get into another relationship.   In the meantime I'm going to take the pain, feel the feelings, and rebuild my life.  It was  short intensive abusive relationship.   Need to steer clear of borderlines.

[mgl210]

To be quite honest with you fellow posters,

I feel like an absolute moron. If she comes back(which I am pretty sure she will), this will be possibly the sixth or seventh time that we have been together and what not. Do I feel like a loser because I can't just write her off? Of course, I do. I have so many things in my room that remind me of her, that I don't know why I don't just pack them up and move them outta my sight. I know that she probably did that with some of my stuff. I am not willing to face reality that it very well could be completely over, but I highly doubt that it is. Otherwise, she wouldn't have texted me a few days ago, I know that she will text me again. Yeah hence I am a strict loser.

MGL

[seeking balance]

I could have written this too, here is what I have learned about me.

1. But how can I get my heart to catch up to my mind in this devastatingly shattering experience?

Time - no magic pill, no replacement... . in time we heal.  While that time passes, we CAN, however, be productive in rebuilding ourselves... . DO those things that make you like you or respect you - ever wanted to do a marathon?  Now is a great time.  Volunteer in Africa an option? - jump to it.  Using the time to rebuild healthy patterns of self worth is a choice we get.

2. I like that I am a dreamer, but is dreaming and idealism my problem? Does that make me the naive fool I feel to be at the moment?

Dreamers create the fun stuff - this is a great trait!  I love this about me too - it was that dreamer that gave me the creative solutions to have some of the things I really wanted but on the surface didn't seem possible... . embrace that part of you!

Balance that part when it comes to romance and spending your life with someone - that is what I had to learn.  Let myself FEEL the joy, excitement - but ACT reasonably.  It is not always fun that way to be honest, but it is the discipline required to not go back down the rabbit hole.  Scott Peck uses the analogy of going down a bike on a big hill around a corner... . it isn't fun to put on the brakes and slow down, not nearly the same rush; but after a wipe out - the discipline of applying the brakes is much more sensible.

3. This is so reality shattering! I want to rebuild, but should idealism be left out of the equation?

All about balance and discipline and being ok with the fact we are not perfect.  You know what, I really might be attracted to another person that has BPD traits - and I have - and it was fun, exciting - however, after a few weeks, that high is replaced with reality - and the newly learned emotional discipline kicks in and we make wiser choices.

Did I lose my dreamer status, nope... . but now I have the tools to not be ruled by that.

Great post - courageous!

[RecycledNoMore]

Aww guys

You are all amazing!

Its nice to know there are men like yourselves who can have and express real emotion... .

Id almost forgotten what thats like... .

[mgl210]

Well, One thing I've never been hard on is expressing my feelings. Maybe I don't like expressing them to my mom, but that's another story. I figured that the best advisement I can give is from my experience. ALthough I have learned very quickly that just because I experience one way, doesn't always mean that someone else will experience the same as me. Hopefully things will work out better for you than I my friend. I hope nothing but the best for you

MGL

[Ceide]

I'm with recycledNOmore - you guys are amazing!  And I agree with In_n_Out about exercise; I started walking (again, been an on and off lifetime habit) and one day last summer I walked 9 miles!  One of my sisters suggested that I start training for a marathon, and I thought, well, maybe I'd start with half a marathon.

Seeking balance, you pointed out something that really has me thinking.  Maybe if I truly was okay with not being perfect, my exBPDbf's idealization of me wouldn't have been so entrancing, would have instead been the red flag that it was.  Hmmm, this is coming up for me in a few places in my life.  Thanks for posting it!

[mgl210]

I guess I should thanks for thinking that I am one of this so called "amazing" group... .

I am really not... In fact, I am just a total douchebag if you really must know... . Sorry, I am at all time low on life and myself. Not a good time for me to be a great guy for that matter. Just be safe and be looking out for you... . It seems that when others are expected to they just don't want to be bothered... . Best wishes to you guys and gals

MGL

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance, you pointed out something that really has me thinking.  Maybe if I truly was okay with not being perfect, my exBPDbf's idealization of me wouldn't have been so entrancing, would have instead been the red flag that it was.  Hmmm, this is coming up for me in a few places in my life.  Thanks for posting it!

Without hijacking this thread - check out Brene' Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection... .

[Rebuilding me]

It is amazing I found this site! Real honest people! That has always been my goal to find in life people who do not hide behind their walls and masks! If there is one truth about us all it is that we are brave and courageous! It would be so much easier to suppress our true selves and never grow. No matter where anyone is in life, I believe the main purpose is to grow. We all in a way have taken a step towards that. It's what we do with this opportunity, no, blessing of realization, that matters!

It always feels good to know we are not alone. It's funny how reading for hours on this site, it plays out like we are all recovering addicts. Which we are. I have laughed at times about our addictions, it's not funny, but realizing we are alive with an opportunity to become more alive and our true selves, makes me smile and cry at the whole situation. We must take this all as a blessing because that is what it is if we do the work! I'm nowhere where I would like to be, but I know someday I will be better for this heart, mind, soul shattering experience! Someday! It is a battle there is no doubt about it, the greatest battle we as humans have to face, and that is ourselves!

I am proud I am sensitive, it means I am alive. It means I care, it means I'm not the walking dead, or a shell of my true potential. I'm not who I can be, but if it was easy what would be the point of this roller coaster ride called life! I will never give in, although at times it would be easier to do so! But I think another thing we have in common is we are fighters and we will survive!

We have the chance to be who we are truly meant to be if we take that frightening leap of faith and vulnerability once again!

[Rebuilding me]

In_n_out

It's great you can relate. As a body builder and a big man you represent the gentle giant! I man that can tear a new one, but has a heart! That is more fierce than any typical, no offense, meathead! It means you stand for something beyond yourself, beyond your physicalness, and that is commendable! It is the true representation of a man of steel!

I am absolutely motivated at the gym! It drives me to push myself more than I ever had! While I work out and look at myself in the mirror, I visualize not only what I will be physically, but who I already am! A warrior of peace and love! A warrior of true integrity! Corny but true!

Mgl

It sounds as if we are a lot alike! I would of liked to have another opportunity with my ex! I moved 1300 hundred miles to be with her, and the day after she said she was done, I got in my car and drove home. (leaving job and many possessions. I only moved to be with her nothing else mattered) I would like to say it was strength, but it was pain that made me flee! As an idealist and dreamer I would have stayed if she stopped me. If she would of responded to my heartfelt letters I would have returned! Don't beat up on yourself, you just believe in the happy ever after! Nothing wrong with that! But now you have the chance to create it, where you most likely did not before! To understand we express ourselves differently than many is so important! we cannot force anyone to feel as we do! In fact that was in my letter to her! You are who you are regardless of someone who does not appreciate it! Be that dreamer, but be vigilant and you will find the one! It's hard to believe, it may be distant, but if I don't believe that than what's the point. We are just not where we need to be yet in growth to find her! If you build you, she will come!

To the ladies that appreciate a man who can share his feelings, God bless you, it is nice to here you are out there. It is hard to remember your kind! I had no problem setting my boundaries and telling my ex exactly who I am as we started. Her responses to my expression of self and boundaries is what made me choose to love her. Not from emotion, or gooeyness, but her perfectly mirrored responses! Makes me sick and I hate to admit it, but being a man that had always placed so much on love, to hear or see expressions of love now, makes me want to vomit! Forgive me for my crudeness! I hate feeling this way!

SB

Your words and posts have been good for me! I have read a lot of your posts and I thank you! You speak truth and wisdom!

Ceide

I think you hit it on the head with ideas of perfection! And I will look into  SBs link!

Sorry this is me venting in a some what positive way! It all is so hard, no doubt!

One day at a time!

[mgl210]

Rebuilding,

She has left a lot of her stuff here. She texted me last week. I've done so much for her. I don't know how to live without her. I feel completely lost without her. I just know that I might ask her to set the record straight about what really happened the day she had bruises. I just miss all the non stressful times she and I shared. I miss her laughter and I miss her nod less chatter. Why is it so hard for me to focus on the bad stuff so I can just move on? I invested so much in believing there could be an us. I know nd believe she will come back. I just don't know how or what to feel.

Mgl210

[Rebuilding me]

MGl

I understand how you feel! I am a shell of who I once was! I really have no idea how to think and recreate myself in a healthy way! My ex made me feel that I had found my greatest dream, but it was just that! A fantasy. I know there were truths, but I understand that the person I fell in love with is smoke and mirrors, she doesn't exist. The signs are everywhere now, the ones I ignored, the signs my heart, I don't know will fully be able to accept. It is a mental disorder, just typing that gives me shivers, but not to fully accept, as painful as that is, you will never detach! My ex was not good for me and either is yours! Embrace that, fight with it, feel the deep pain of that truth! I am and it is horrible! I don't know how long I will feel broken, but I know facing this truth will heal me quicker than holding on to a fantasy!

If you build you, she will come! Field of dreams reference! meaning if you ever want the chance to find that true special someone you must first save yourself and make yourself into the person that special someone deserves! That is the only way! Takes this opportunity, tell yourself you have been given a gift and find a way to run with it! God knows I'm trying and it is a constant battle. You must let her go! Force yourself! Put any reminder of her out of sight! I have things of hers, I have hundreds of pictures. I have put them away! Some day I will look at them and smile for those good times! Because we did have them! But I'm sure that is years from now!

Do you really want your happiness to be determined by anyone else? Especially someone who does not deserve your time of day!i know I don't! This may just be the greatest battle we ever have to face, but if we do not face these sad truths, than we become like them. Someone who can't face reality! And I refuse to become someone like that!

[mgl210]

I wish it was that easy rebuilding. The sad thing, is that I don't know her every move to a T yet. I know that she will contact me soon enough, the question becomes when and will I be prepared for it? I doubt that I can ever really be prepared for it.

Before she came into my life, for the most part, I was a vibrant easygoing individual who didn't have a care in the world. She made me believe that she was the one that I was destined to spend the rest of my life to live the all around dream. Sometimes, I still think that. Then I remember how much stress she causes me when we are together. and then I think oy vey do I really want that? I think of how she often would stress to me to have want to start having kids soon. I worry for that moment if that moment came. I don't know how I could explain to hers and Is kids if she was to just walk out and leave them high and dry like she does with me now. I could be strong for them, but that wouldn't be fair to them. I believe kids deserve a balance of both mommy and daddy, and not for one parent to try and be both of those roles. Maybe I am foolish. Maybe I expect too much, maybe just maybe she was right that I didn't care about her feelings, and that this is all in my head that she is this bad person, when in reality maybe I am the bad person? Could it be?

MGL

[Landslide2014]

Wow.  That post hit home.  Thank you for the contemplation. What helps me, is finding gratititude in something. The earth, music or an acceptance within myself.  Or a little deeper... . The gratitude of having a BPD in my life so I can (although it's hard work) recover from all those defects of character that I avoided or masked in my childhood.  My higher power has given me an opportunity to be true to myself in a way that I never thought possible.  I have to say that your actions are inspiring... . Acting as-if and recognizing self care.  It gives me the sense that you are well on your way and that your deserved sense of worth will reach level greater than you could imagine. Continue to trust the process and make healthy choices. And continue sharing. As your honesty is a service that is healing to others and assumingly yourself as well. Thank you for your contribution.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Rebuilding Me,

You sound just like me.  Sensitive, loyal, good hearted.  Glad you found this site. I've been here about a month and it's helped so much. The title of your post, how to make heart catch up with head, is EXACTLY what I've been thinking I need to do for myself. But it's so easier said than done. I understand completely the feeling of being a shell of your former self. I don't even know where to begin. But like you and others, I've turned to the gym. Dropped 20 pounds since she left 4 months ago. Even took up running (slowly ha).  I also ordered a few self help books. I'm going to make this experience a blessing in the end.

I always believe loyalty, honor, respect are the highest ideals to achieve. And when I learned that my wife did not reciprocate those things in the relationship it was crushing. Trust is a delicate thing but if it's not present in a relationship there is no relationship.

Would love to grab a beer with you and swap war stories. Lol. Good luck to you man. Reach out any time.

[mgl210]

Are you referring to my post? I'm getting confused here...

[Landslide2014]

I am actually reflecting on the original post that Rebuildingme initiated and I am responding to those words.

[Rebuilding me]

I know what the truth is and we have allowed ourselves to play the game. One way or another! If I have learned anything from this site it is to take yourself out of the game! It's hard, it's painful, it's devastating! Don't be apart in anyone else's game! Make your own game! It's your life, don't take the crumbs or be a pawn in someone else's. It's your life and only you (me) can create what really matters! We can live in the pain of having someone else giving us our fix or pleasure, which will be a life time of pain, or we can face the hard cold truth of the situation, deal with the pain now, and be better for ourselves later! It is our choice! Victim or powerful self in our own story!

This is the importance of NC, cutting the cancer out of our lives! It is our choice and ours alone! When we face the immediate pain now we prevent the pain that may last a life time!

It is our choice!

[dansure]

Well, it it simply takes time.

I can relate to you. Finding out that she is dating someone else hurt the most, though I was prepared by reading about Bpd (though she is not diagnosed).

However knowing that she dated someone else so QUICKLY after we broke up actually HELPS me now to not miss her anymore. Because it shows me that what she calls "love" is not the same as me. When I love someone I grief and I need time to detach and don't have feelings for someone else 1 month later. It also shows me that when she "loves" him she will move on to the next one once she paints him black... . and it WILL happen, just like all the other things I read that predicted her behavior happened.

[love4meNOTu]

Just wanted to reiterate the following:

She won’t change.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

I keep this list on a printout in my purse (change the sex tho from her to him). It really helps, it's the truth. The TRUTH.



L

[Rebuilding me]

Just wanted to reiterate the following:

She won’t change.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

I keep this list on a printout in my purse (change the sex tho from her to him). It really helps, it's the truth. The TRUTH.



L

Sad but true! Once this reality is faced, the true healing can begin! Facing this is the first step! I'm in step 1