What do they have to gain?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This was prob the most damaging thing my ex could've done in our relationship, but to kinda be put in a position to choose between my family and him was horrible. It shouldn't have to be that way and if my parents had hurt or been rude to them I would choose him all the way but he told my mum she f##ed up my life, they are miserable interfering in laws and said you want your parents to freely to visit or stay and I'm never going to be happy with that as I have to keep my mouth shut in my own home. He said I didn't know how to cook clean look after a man, I wasn't taught that as a young girl well he wasn't taught respect. My parents tried for a year to catch up with him but he didn't want too and at one stage said they weren't allowed to come to the farm. They have had enough and don't want to see him again, after a 3 hour abusive ph call who can blame them! Yet he is still unable to apologise and see what sort of position this puts me in, I go back I lose my family in a way! He also points out not many friends come to farm to visit I go to them and I really need to assess those friendships and stay home more! Well I have had amazing support since I left if it was up to him I would ditch those friends!

What do they hope to gain from this? How does he expect me to be happy with this set up?

[loz1982]

This was prob the most damaging thing my ex could've done in our relationship, but to kinda be put in a position to choose between my family and him was horrible. It shouldn't have to be that way and if my parents had hurt or been rude to them I would choose him all the way but he told my mum she f##ed up my life, they are miserable interfering in laws and said you want your parents to freely to visit or stay and I'm never going to be happy with that as I have to keep my mouth shut in my own home. He said I didn't know how to cook clean look after a man, I wasn't taught that as a young girl well he wasn't taught respect. My parents tried for a year to catch up with him but he didn't want too and at one stage said they weren't allowed to come to the farm. They have had enough and don't want to see him again, after a 3 hour abusive ph call who can blame them! Yet he is still unable to apologise and see what sort of position this puts me in, I go back I lose my family in a way! He also points out not many friends come to farm to visit I go to them and I really need to assess those friendships and stay home more! Well I have had amazing support since I left if it was up to him I would ditch those friends!

What do they hope to gain from this? How does he expect me to be happy with this set up?

[fromheeltoheal]

What do they hope to gain from this? How does he expect me to be happy with this set up?

Control.  If he can control every aspect of your life and who you interact with, you won't leave him.  A borderline's core fear is that you will abandon him; it's all about his needs, yours don't matter, and if one of his 'selves' is the most awesome man in the universe, why wouldn't you be happy?

[loz1982]

It has the opposite effect I have asked him if I was rude to his family etc would he want to be with me and he said no, why can't he see the same applies! People that I love and that love me are not the enemy and I would love him more for embracing them! Unfort he underestimated his awesomeness and my strong family ties. How can it possibly make for a happy future for me!

[fromheeltoheal]

You are thinking rationally and I agree with you.  Borderline's don't think like us, and to him your strong family ties are a threat, he may get ganged up on, his shame will surface, and you will leave.  It's all about you not leaving, when he's convinced you will, a hellish place to be, so he's doing everything he can to stop it.  Think scared little boy.

That's my hallucination, I obviously don't know him; I'm just sharing standard borderline, but see if it fits.

[loz1982]

That makes a lot of sense he was always suspicious of what my parents said, twisted them around to support his case almost to the point of lying! He would blame them for making be insecure in the relationship but really it was his actions! I did my best to show my love and commitment but it never seemed to be enough! Your damned if you do or damned if you don't! You would think they would see a pattern in their own behaviour and go hang on I need to change something here! He would see his faults sometimes but it wouldn't take long to fall back into the blame game! My parents have never been the issue but in his eyes they are!

[fromheeltoheal]

You would think they would see a pattern in their own behaviour and go hang on I need to change something here! He would see his faults sometimes but it wouldn't take long to fall back into the blame game!

That would take introspection, honesty, and humility.  He goes there a little sometimes, it's all too much, so he turns to blame to cope.  Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, are emotionally immature, and are mired in shame.  If he expressed real vulnerability and you saw who he really was, you'd leave; it's all about abandonment.  It doesn't matter how much you love him, it will never be enough, which has nothing to do with you.

[growing_wings]

isolating the partner is one of the tools BPD use to control him/her. Isolation from family & friends will make sure you want to have the BPD as the center of your world and that is it. For them, they are the only ones that matter, they cant understand we need to care for our family and friends too, they dont want that, is almost a distraction from you taking care of them.

I think they go to lengths to achieve this isolation, and are ready for whatever action is needed to isolate you.

Your case sounds tough. In my case, she wasnt as offensive with them... but she tried to manipulate me by twisting anything my family did or said to appear like they were manipulating me! i found that really annoying... .

that was working for a while, i didnt communicate with my family and saw the BPD as the center of my life and happiness was around me being with the BPD and keeping her happy. Now that i am out, i am happy i can talk to my family again and see them for waht they are: people who truly cares for me

[growing_wings]

People that I love and that love me are not the enemy and I would love him more for embracing them! Unfort he underestimated his awesomeness and my strong family ties. How can it possibly make for a happy future for me!

is all about obtaining the narcissistic supply. People you love and care are not the enemy for healthy people, but for the BPD, if you love and care for other people, the borderlines will see this as a competition for attention ... . the BPD wants YOU to love them, take care of them 24/7... . who we love, doesnt matter... .

[mitchell16]

I found its all about control, isolation. Mine never attacked my family or made me choose but she would never be around them. She would always make what i call passive/aggresive remarks about how close my family and me where. she would say things that could be perceived as an insult and when I confronted her remarks she would say I just misunderstood. She found fault in all my friends. one of my freinds had an affair on his first wife, the divorced and he remarried. She would always putting him down for this. even tho she didnt even know him when it ocurred and she never met his ex wife. BUt her friends did the exact same thing but it was of course diffrent. It was all about isolating me. making sure I had no support.

[seeking balance]

What do they hope to gain from this? How does he expect me to be happy with this set up?

Along with some of the other answers you have received - one key component that gets lost in the shuffle is:  pwBPD EXPECT to be left; the abandonment may be real or perceived in reality - but it is very real to them.  As such, when you are cast in the role of persecutor (you likely didn't choose that role) by the BPD, you will be set up to succeed in that role... . he knows the buttons to push to get you to leave, thus he can say to himself he was right all along.

Remember FEELINGS equal FACTS to a pwBPD - and they will create a set of circumstances to validate those feelings - even if the feelings are not based in reality.

[loz1982]

I guess that relates to his comment seeking balance is all I can think of is you weren't that into me when that is so far from the truth, I idolised him and I still ache for him now. There is something wrong with me if I can miss a man who treated me and my family so badly. What is my problem? When he thought I was coming back he said he would apologise but when I said I still wasn't sure as I wanted to see consistency it was like I don't want them staying or visiting, it won't make me happy if they do and you happy if they can't come. I mean who would be being told that, I mean it was supposed to be my place too! See what I mean about what I was worried about I go back and he puts his foot down again. Did most people find this they say what you want to hear when hope is there then conveniently forget they ever said it when you are not coming back? My ex apologised to my parents via email as he couldn't do it to their face, summed the year up perfectly (after I had cried for a week mind you and said he didn't want to see myself and my mum hurting like this) but a week later because he was unhappy with me, he retracted it and said he was just saying it to make me feel better not that he meant it. It's the only thing he did that he thought through and said he felt a weight lifted afterwards so I believed he meant it!  I guess I was the trigger because he has never lived with anyone or got as close to another grill and I can't help wonder if my parents just visited not stayed whether he would've treated them differently! I have racked my brain to find a way to be back with him as I do miss him but at what price, I would lose my family in a way and prob the respect of friends! He is sitting on the farm oblivious as well thinking I'm just a mummy's girl and I should be okay to come back without my parents permission! Grrrrr it's not about their permission. Is there anything you can do to convince them you aren't abandoning them and your fully committed? Seems nothing you can to me! Yes growing wings he said I needed to be fully committed emotionally and physically 150% but I wasn't apparently!

[Findingmysong723]

loz1982,

He's trying to control you, and is hurting you, it isn't right! Don't let him keep you away from your family and friends, these are the people who love you and who will support you through the ups and downs in life not him! Family, friends and loving supporting partners are what we need in our lives! A good partner will accept and care about your family and friends because they are important to you!

[cbcrna1]

Make it your job to learn about BPD.  It all about what they feel, what their emotions are.  They have a life and death fear of abandonment.  Also a core belief that they are shameful.  You are tied by their idealization of you, of the perfection they mirrored back to you.  You were seduced really by a mirror of yourself.  What you projected you needed and wanted.  Did you really get it or only a grotesque shadow. You are tied by a trauma bond.  Do not even try to rationalize there is no rational in this relationship.  I am really sorry for the pain you feel.  I know it, I've been there. 

[growing_wings]

What do they hope to gain from this? How does he expect me to be happy with this set up?

Along with some of the other answers you have received - one key component that gets lost in the shuffle is:  pwBPD EXPECT to be left; the abandonment may be real or perceived in reality - but it is very real to them.  As such, when you are cast in the role of persecutor (you likely didn't choose that role) by the BPD, you will be set up to succeed in that role... . he knows the buttons to push to get you to leave, thus he can say to himself he was right all along.

Remember FEELINGS equal FACTS to a pwBPD - and they will create a set of circumstances to validate those feelings - even if the feelings are not based in reality.

SB, this s a very interesting and real perspective. this is the reason why we just cant win with pwBPD. You stay , love them and want to help them, they push you away, you get away, they validate their original feelings of abandonment and we get pushed away too, painted black, vilified... .

they hurt us so much (they know which buttons to press indeed) to make us leave, or take distance, when this happens, they need to seduce you back... .  

[seeking balance]

I guess that relates to his comment seeking balance is all I can think of is you weren't that into me when that is so far from the truth, I idolised him and I still ache for him now. There is something wrong with me if I can miss a man who treated me and my family so badly. What is my problem?

Looking at the lovebond that is formed in these relationships - the way you feel is how most of us felt when we found ourselves on these boards... . you are deeply wounded by someone who likely filled an emotional hole in you at the time you met. 

For me, the more I learned about the disorder (read articles and lessons over and over) the FACTS, I was able to depersonalize enough to grieve. 

Give yourself some time and be kind to you.

Peace,

SB

[Ceide]

Lots of great stuff in this thread.  The FEELINGS equaling FACTS, the control, the core belief that they are bad and will be abandoned and that we can do nothing to change it. 

And the part of how they fill an emotional hole of ours when we met them?  Check.  I had been sick for about 8 weeks and he slowly became the knight in shining armor, slowly courted me, started fixing things around my house, bringing me food, movies, etc.  Just in general making himself indispensable.  *Ick*

loz1982 - IMHO, its a sign of health that you are railing against his attempt at separating you and your family.  You will find your way!

[that1guy]

Your case sounds tough. In my case, she wasnt as offensive with them... but she tried to manipulate me by twisting anything my family did or said to appear like they were manipulating me! i found that really annoying... .

that was working for a while, i didnt communicate with my family and saw the BPD as the center of my life and happiness was around me being with the BPD and keeping her happy. Now that i am out, i am happy i can talk to my family again and see them for waht they are: people who truly cares for me

My exdBPDw would do the same things. She saw the help, advice, and concern of my parents as them trying to control my life. She blames them for my lack of "success". She is convinced that they enabled my "failure". I think her distance with her family, and the lack of real love and support from them has some to do with it too.

What she doesn't see is that it was her behavior and actions that have taken a huge toll on my career.  She had to be the center of everything. I left a pretty good job because she need me to be more available. She even used suicide attempts to get me to see her "reasoning".

It's nice now to have the regular family contact again. And they have all told me how much happier I seem, and that's it's good to have me back.

[loz1982]

Yes my ex said my parents were the cause of my insecurity but I think my main cause is the ex's I have had in my life, it's knocked my self esteem! He wanted me to be more confident but used to knock my confidence all the time 3 months in only visiting him I didn't know how to look after a man, I need to have more opinions (as long as they were in agreeance with his) I need to show more initiative, moron sl#t stupid all didn't help. I left the sauce bottle outside and it was like I don't know why I'm with you sometimes, I said it would be nice to have my mum around when I have a baby and he said I should be able to do these things myself or there is something wrong with me!

I could have a lot to say about how he was brought up and blame his mum for his behavioral traits but never would, what is the point! He admitted his upbringing was a cause of his issues but doesn't seem to acknowledge it now, you mention it and he gets angry! I'm still not back to my former bubbly self and I know my family are worried, thank goodness I still have them but I have to let go of what could've been and decide where to live! To go with a complete fresh start and the lifestyle I like or go closer to family and friends but not a fan of the city! I know I'm making a healthy decision for me and my family  and realise I should be able to have all of this with a healthy partner, it's just so sad it can't be with him and there is no sense in this. Still trying to understand how you can never make someone like this see sense!

[Findingmysong723]

I'm still not back to my former bubbly self and I know my family are worried, thank goodness I still have them but I have to let go of what could've been and decide where to live! To go with a complete fresh start and the lifestyle I like or go closer to family and friends but not a fan of the city! I know I'm making a healthy decision for me and my family  and realise I should be able to have all of this with a healthy partner, it's just so sad it can't be with him and there is no sense in this. Still trying to understand how you can never make someone like this see sense!

Looks like your starting to see things more clearly, you're on your way to making the decisions that will give you the life you deserve to have! It will feel so much better!

[loz1982]

I'm really looking forward to that point where it is a distant memory I'm prob expecting too much of myself as it's only been 41/2 months just want to see that light at the end of the tunnel because right now it's all a bit daunting starting completely over. My heart still has to catch up! Can I really expect him to apologise to my parents without any assurance I'm coming back? I guess the only thing I can be grateful for is there was no cheating and he hasn't rebounded quickly as far as I know, he did jump on a dating website straight away but has since taken himself off as realises he isn't ready! I do also wonder if my ex just dug himself into such a deep hole with me and my parents his pride won't allow him to dig himself out but then I read on here peoples experiences I swear he has BPD!

[NyGirl8]

My exBPDh went so far as to be jealous and hate my dogs because of the attention they received.  What an awful hell to live in... . to be see a dog as a threat.  But, he no longer gets my pity .  I am practicing self care and self love now.  I am working hard on him receiving none of my emotions, time, or energy.  He will only fill his narcissistic supply with it anyway.

None of this is as easy as it sounds.  I see my co-dependency very clearly.  I work every day to become stronger!

Good luck!