This is not good.

[love4meNOTu]

A family member of my ex husband reached out to me yesterday. It was a shock. What was more shocking was what this person told me about my ex.

When I appeared on the scene, it had only been a few weeks that he had been apart from another woman. This person explained how surprised they were that the other woman was gone and I was now in her place, and newly engaged.

I had no idea. I just assumed it had been months that my ex had been broken up with his previous girlfriend. I'm not even sure I asked about the timing.

This person also told me that the whole family thought there would never be a woman who could put up with my ex for an extended amount of time. That again they were shocked when we married, and thus the reason none of them came to our wedding. I admit I thought it was odd that no one from his family came, but the wedding was mid week, in the middle of winter, so I didn't expect much.

This person told me that my ex could never be alone. And had never been alone for long. Ever.

I can't tell you how surprised I am at all of this, I wish they would have told me before I married him. What a waste.

This person told me I was missed, and that no one believed my ex husband's stories about me. I didn't ask what the stories were... . but it makes sense that he would try to convince others that I was at fault. He has always been a victim in the stories he told me.

I hope to never hear his name again. And this just confirms what a fool I was for trusting and loving him.

A fool.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh, I dunno, I liked to call myself an idiot for a while, but then opted for naive and blinded by love, which is more accurate and softer.  What's true for you?

You might consider what you found out as validation?  The quick replacement, what his family really thinks, his slamming you to them, which they didn't believe, his inability to be alone, traits of a borderline; it might not make it better, but it might make it easier to understand?

[love4meNOTu]

Oh, I dunno, I liked to call myself an idiot for a while, but then opted for naive and blinded by love, which is more accurate and softer.  What's true for you?

You might consider what you found out as validation?  The quick replacement, what his family really thinks, his slamming you to them, which they didn't believe, his inability to be alone, traits of a borderline; it might not make it better, but it might make it easier to understand?

Completely blinded by love h2h. Completely.

I hope I never see this person again... I will make sure I never bump into them again. I don't want to hear any more.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry pal, been there and it's fun until it's very not fun.

And moving forward, what's good about the "experience" is I am much more aware, don't want to say wary, of people I know and meet, romantic and otherwise, and my boundaries are much better.  A nice guy who goes into situations openly, thinking love can conquer all, is going to get screwed eventually, lessons in disguise.  Love can conquer a lot, but not a mental illness.  Take care of you!

[love4meNOTu]

thank you h2h - I know there are good men out there, I was just caught by one who was mentally ill. I'm not gonna let this stop me from believing in love, it does confirm what I have suspected for months now. So I suppose in some way it is comforting.

Onward and upward... . nothing I could have done.

Hugs,

L

[maxen]

I can't tell you how surprised I am at all of this, I wish they would have told me before I married him.

ohhhh brrrrother. silent families. tell me about it.

[RecycledNoMore]

Oh L, thats got to be a kick in the guts

...

How are you feeling about this news?

I know we are all somebodys replacement but, it always blows me away how instantaneous the " falling in love" is with a pwBPD

[Ceide]

Your story resonates with me, especially the part about the family missing us.  I've learned the hard way that when the family responds to me like I'm the greatest thing EVER, that they never thought their dear loved one would ever find a catch like me, I should RUN!  Or at least slow down ol... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh L, thats got to be a kick in the guts

...

How are you feeling about this news?

I know we are all somebodys replacement but, it always blows me away how instantaneous the " falling in love" is with a pwBPD

That's because it's based on fantasy, unsustainable, and crafted by someone who was traumatized and is disordered, need-driven, and immature.  I have first hand experience with this, as we all do probably; if something seems too good to be true, it probably is, but since she was hanging on my every word and I was getting laid, I ignored it, and unknowingly signed up for another semester of Life University, what I needed turns out.  Sometimes gifts come in weird packages.

[Murbay]

When I appeared on the scene, it had only been a few weeks that he had been apart from another woman. This person explained how surprised they were that the other woman was gone and I was now in her place, and newly engaged.

I had no idea. I just assumed it had been months that my ex had been broken up with his previous girlfriend. I'm not even sure I asked about the timing.

Love, you are certainly not a fool. You entered the relationship full of trust and not doubt. The people we entered into our relationship with were deceptive from the very start though we had no reason not to trust them.

In my case, my exBPDgf told me she had been single for 5 years since her divorce, taking time out to look after her children and now that they were grown up and ready for moving out, wanted to find someone to share the next stage of her life with. To me that seemed very reasonable response.

I only found out after the r/s ended that in fact I was a replacement for a married man she was having an affair with and in the 5 years she was "single" she moved from r/s to r/s never lasting any more than 6 months. To her, if a r/s is less than 6 months, it never happened.

She had changed her FB status to in a relationship with my replacement just 3 days after sending me a text to say she needed a little time on her own to clear her head. A few days short of the 6 month mark.

You went into your relationship with honesty and integrity and you came out of it the same way. It wasn't you that was the fool and although ex family members can open wounds, it also serves as validation that you did everything right. Sadly as h2h has stated, love does not conquer mental illness. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

I will debate you on the you are a fool notion... . or chime right in and say join the club.

Gently saying as well, somewhere, somehow, and you know you know this, you and I were programmed for this landmine of a relationship like Bill Gates had masterminded it himself. My childhood set me up for wanting to please, need to *rescue* (adults do not need to be rescued, entering my 6th decade of living I am still not quite cognizent of that), wanting to help, wanting to BE LOVED AND NEEDED and RECOGNIZED. See... . what all that spells out is that I thought I had to EARN to be ***loved.***

This relative/family member - spin the news, spin this reality you are now trying to ingest, and look back at the information on however many levels you were tuning in back then - if you were being lied to - how do we go about combatting lies when we don't operate that way ourselves and it's a very foreign strange thing to our instincts?

Your former partner was running on instincts. Everything he did and said to you and at you and about you is his survival kicking in and making him take advantage, lie, cheat, manipulate - because those are his go-to tools in his disordered heart and mind.

These are not excuses but reasons.

He is and was as programmed by his early formative years and life to do this as you were not to see it coming and play your part (I am sitting here at 5 in the morning reminding myself all these same things about every partner or mate I've had or sought EVERY SINGLE ONE and my swallowing the hook).

Spin it like this - this person's comments are a gift. They are a GIFT for you to absorb and contemplate and appreciate because these words tell you, OKay you got duped. You got HAD. You got maligned and abused and alot of other people figured him out a long time ago.

These comments can make you maybe forgive yourself like I need to forgive myself as well for just doing what comes natural and being human and *needy* and alone and praying love might find us and bring us our hearts' springtime.

BTW... . I hate Valentine's Day.

Just sayin'.

Your post subject is "This is not good."  It might be.  If you let it. And frame it and let it be your future's comeuppance sort of - a sad reminder of just how much we get taken and how often and how profoundly.

I am sorry for you that this sort of shocking thing came from this person. They had some sincere motive, I think, for trying to speak with you. But yes, avoid them. You've had enough. A long time ago I'd say. 

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you all so very much for your kindness... murbay... lucy... h2h... ceide... recycled... maxen hugs... .

I will admit to you and no one else that I have been crying for about five hours straight. I haven't cried this much since the day of the divorce.

Here I was sitting here thinking about how much my ex hated me and wished me dead... and then I ran into that person who helped me make sense of the last two years of my life.

Why it ended the way it had to end.

I did not feel safe with my exhusband. I had to divorce him. Deep inside I knew something was very wrong with him, even if I didn't know the facts about his past.

I did not feel safe. And that's what has colored every relationship I've had in my adult life. I need to feel safe. But guess what... that's not abnormal. We need to trust our partners, and when they show us they can not be trusted with our love, our children, our family, our home. We need to remove them from our lives.

Yes, I guess this information was a gift in the sense that I now see his patterns of behavior. And that it has provided me with a clarity I never had before. There is nothing I could have done to save my marriage. My ex husband has BPD and is not a good partner for me. And not a good role model for my children. My son told me the other night that my ex was selfish, and didn't care about me at all... just cared about his own problems. I was shocked when he said that... . how on earth did he know? He's only 19 and figured this out waaayyy before me.

I did the right thing, regardless of how painful it has been. It was a mistake to marry him so quickly and I FORGIVE MYSELF. My children have already forgiven me.

thank god for all of you on this site.

Love,

L

[lucyhoneychurch]

My son, someone I really admire and appreciate not just because I am his mom, sent me a card last year - it seemed to arrive but can't really remember right as divorce was final. It said, I want to thank you for teaching me about honesty, hard work, and being a good person.  I will sometimes just pull it out and hold it. My 2 daughters are also very clear on what I mean to them, they seem to get it too but haven't put it in black and white like that for me. He also sent an email right after his father moved out (my son in military so was already out of the house as was my oldest daughter) that said he'd always wondered why his dad had no friends, why he never had hobbies with other guys, someone at work etc.

This email to me was in response, crazy enough, to his father's email to HIM about being dx'd with this antisocial personality disorder. His father had gone to a psychiatrist unbeknownst to me the spring before it all fell apart completely. So I found out about dx via my son's email where he forwarded his dad's no sorry... . his dad forwarded his communication with our son.

Geez, hard to think and type at same time.

My children function in my life now as the litmus that I did okay. I didn't scar them, they are kind, good adults. They would've been that in spite of me but at the same time I worked at giving them autonomy, love, compassion.

I bask in who they are not what they do.

Because it is the eternal validation that I impacted people, the most important people on earth to me, for the better.

You do same, anytime you feel frail or blindsided by life.

I too thank god for a message board like this where I am heard and lovingly admonished and supported.

peace.