The good and the bad

[maxsterling]

It's been an interesting past few days.  Two days ago, I was 90% ready for this to be over.  I just could not take anymore.  She was OBSESSING about marriage again, all day, every day.  I was ready to lay down boundaries.  So, I did get a few things across 1)  that I will not marry her just for health insurance reasons 2)  I worry that I am enabling her 3)  I want her to be as free as I am, and don't want her to be dependent on me.

#3 brought out the response, "I don't know what you mean you want me to be free, do you mean you want me to sleep with someone else?"       

After that, I was fearing the worst, and realizing it was now or never regarding boundaries.  But we talked, and later she decided to take her own initiative regarding health care.  And I don't know if it was the antidepressant kicking in, but yesterday her obsession over marriage was more positive, and less urgent.  And she talked again about going to work full time and taking care of herself.

The good news is, last night and so far today, she has been in a much more positive approachable mood. And this morning I noticed a book on the desk "skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder"! I have my fingers crossed for this one.  She hasn't mentioned the BPD for months, and talks about her "bipolar" issues.  But the fact she got that book out again (she was diagnosed BPD over a decade ago) says she is re-thinking some of her issues. 

The bad news is, she skipped DBT group therapy last night simply because she did not feel like going.  That really frustrated me, and I see this as an area where a boundary needs to be set.   I need to assertively express that I want her to make a commitment to getting help by whatever means she can, and not skip out on therapies that are available to her. 

So, I guess this places me still on the undecided board.  I was inches close to telling her "I love you, but unless you address these issues yourself, I see no future in this relationship", and heading over to the "leaving" board.  But now with this better mood and apparent renewed acceptance of BPD diagnosis, I think I will wait and try and set a few boundaries and see where it goes. 

[Cipher13]

You will flip and flop as much as they do. I know for 100% certain I do. Now the fact that she is in some sort of therapy is good. Having an uBPD that has no clue that its anythign but my fault they feel like dirt or worse is very tiring. If you can keep the pressure on the therapy it can only help.

You set up some very good boundaries. I understand the issue you are having with bringinup #3. I just casually mentioend 1 time that on occation I want to do something alone once in  great while. I got a similar responce you did. It was like i said instead "I want to sleep around becasue I don't like you and never did."   

Getting my wife to the place you gf is at would be a huge step. Not to say that your situation isn't difficult. I will never ever judge a non on there relasionship with their BPD.  I have been told or read in a couple places that you might want to give youself a time line. Say by this time you would like the relationship to be at this or that level. If not evaluate if its time to leave or make another adjustment.

1 thing is sure that if you are in a relatiosnhip with a BPD its never a clear decission on what is the best way to do because they all look like it will be harder thani tneeds to be.

[heartandwhole]

Hi maxsterling,

That's encouraging news, I can see why you are interested in seeing where this development takes you.

I don't know your story, so maybe I'm missing a lot, but I wasn't clear on the meaning of "I want you to be as free as I am, " either.  Is it possible that your gf really didn't understand what you meant by that?  I know that communication with a pwBPD can take on such importance that sometimes I would just choose not to.

You mentioned setting boundaries around your gf getting help. Since boundaries are your values in action, they would reflect what you will do if she doesn't get help, for example.  What are your thoughts about that?

Keeping our fingers crossed with you, maxsterling.