Do pwBPD abandon their parents

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I read a post in another thread that said it is common for pwBPD to abandon their parents. Is this true?

My uBPDxw up and walked out on me and our kids (she only sees them every other weekend) but she also abandoned her entire family (Mother, brother, Sister, etc). Just totally forgot about them. She even had her brother who she used to idolize, visit from Germany and she wouldn't see him. I had to re-connect with her family after the divorce so my kids can still have a relationship with their Grandmom, Aunts and Uncles. I didn't know that this may be common with pwBPD till I saw this post.

Please let me know if anyone else has dealt with this.

[mywifecrazy]

I read a post in another thread that said it is common for pwBPD to abandon their parents. Is this true?

My uBPDxw up and walked out on me and our kids (she only sees them every other weekend) but she also abandoned her entire family (Mother, brother, Sister, etc). Just totally forgot about them. She even had her brother who she used to idolize, visit from Germany and she wouldn't see him. I had to re-connect with her family after the divorce so my kids can still have a relationship with their Grandmom, Aunts and Uncles. I didn't know that this may be common with pwBPD till I saw this post.

Please let me know if anyone else has dealt with this.

[pessim-optimist]

First - keeping in touch with both sides of the family is really important for the kids. 

As far as 'abandoning' their relatives:

pwBPD (persons w/BPD) have an intense fear of abandonment, and if they are thinking they might get abandoned/rejected, they tend to reject before they are rejected. So, in that sense - yes, it is common.

The closer a relationship, the more turbulent it can get. So, again, yes - close family members are at the greatest risk for troublesome behaviors, including rejection.

At the same time - pwBPD tend to go through cycles of idealizing and devaluing of their close family members and friends, a process that is also called "splitting".

So it is likely that a pwBPD will at some point renew contact with a person they previously rejected as "all bad".

[mywifecrazy]

I don't think she (uBPDxw) will ever make contact with her family again. She has even made crazy accusations about being molested by her father and brother. Also said her Dad beat on her mother. All untrue as she has accused ME of beating and raping her. It's all very sad, she is truly a very sick person.

[Take2]

My exBPD-bf's parents both rejected each of their sets of parents - as in TOTAL cut off.

Who does that ?  And so my ex followed suit and cut off the remaining grandmother.  His two older brothers did not do that.  He insists it's because they want an inheritance.  I would think it's because they might be non's but from his stories of his oldest brother, there is no way.  He's clearly on the same track as the rest of them... .

[mywifecrazy]

Take2: I believe my uBPDxw is abandoning her family ibecause her MOUNTAIN of lies about her family and me and others have caught up,to her. She can't"Face the Music". The comment from pessimist-optimist makes sense. My uBPDxw is rejecting her family because she knows that they are rejecting all her lies. It's quite pathetic!

[santa]

My ex is so far up her parents' a$$es that it's creepy. She basically wants to emulate them in every way. It's really weird to me.

I love my parents and all, but I don't want to be a mirror image of them. My ex does though for some reason. It makes me wonder if she's adopting their identities because she hasn't developed one of her own. Her parents aren't great people either. They've had tons of problems. She wants to be just like them though.

[Dutched]

I can confirm that they leave their parents/family. Ex did when she was 18yrs. Left within 1 week after a quarrel.

She maintained NC for a 10yrs., till the moment we married, that was “to special” for her.

During the first years she didn’t want to speak about it, only “mom was still in bed, not even saying me goodbye!” ( normal: she should have go to mom, she was leaving!).

During my 3+ decades r/s I kept asking about it, her reasons, feelings then/now. She only briefly answered. 

* she was hurt, deeply hurt as parents didn’t want to give in.

* parents tried to speak but she refused and blocked everything emotional

* she blamed her mom for being in bed when she left early in the morning (over and over again she mentioned this. As THE reason to split black).

* when in sorrow, she resurfaced her bad memories from her youth in order to justify her steps

* she kept focussed on her “new life”, avoiding pain to surface.

* in bed she cried for a 2 yrs., bud got “fed up” with it, so “decided” to close the door permanently

As contact was re-established and years passed by, she never spoke about her youth/memories towards me and kids. Not even when visiting her mother/family (subjects were deflected into another subject) .

On holiday in France, she remembered the “old smell” of a bakery. Asking her about the joy and activities during those family holidays she stated facts (surroundings, food, swimming pool, etc.) not feelings!

In her diary she was open/honest (“the one” to trust) about it. Those 10yrs. were a huge burden, which got heavier by every year. Enormous shame and guild also towards her brothers/sisters. Shame toward other family and friends she also cut off.

She and the family never spoke a word about it, just as if it was never happened!

Although everything was back to normal, her burden kept growing!

During our last 10 yrs. she defended her family in every way, didn’t accept any remarks. Asking her why she acted every time as stitched by a wasp, she honestly stated: I never can make it up, now I must always be there for them, I proof them that they can rely on me”.

They leave, cut contact, leave others as dead behind.

They know what they did, are deeply ashamed and hurt. Preventing them to overcome the “obstacle” of there hurt too.

They carry that burden, although deflected it grows and can’t overcome it.

They don’t say “goodbye”, they have all the hope we forgive them, show them our love again and again.   

   

She left our r/s/kids also in an outburst.

So she travels the same road now as once with her parents/family, however with tons more load to carry…   

[mywifecrazy]

To Dutched: Did she also totally cut her kids off when she cut you off? My X is going off the rails she has cut off her family and won't see them. She has cut off my boys (not entirely) even as she is practically living across the street with our neighbor her new R/S or should I say victim!

With her abandoning her family I know it's because she can't face all the horrible lies she has told about them and myself.

[Moonie75]

If she's right across the street with the replacement, stock up on popcorn! 

[Free2Bee]

Yup, yup, yup.

My ex was estranged from both her mother and her father (who were divorced), her stepmother (who helped raise her) and stepsister. She had a disabled sister in another province who she hadn't seen since she was a child. I asked her once if she would ever visit her and she firmly said 'no'.

She was also estranged from most of her extended family until an aunt drew her back in but after the aunt's death, she withdrew from that family and refuses to see them.

AND she was also estranged from a couple of close friends who she referred to as 'her family', talking about them like they were important but in the time we were together, she never once visited them or interacted with them except peripherally via text.

The whole thing was a HUGE red flag which I blissfully ignored. Oh well... .

[mywifecrazy]

If she's right across the street with the replacement, stock up on popcorn! 

If it wasn't so hurtful to my kids (S14, S9) I would go over and give my neighbor a big Hug and handshake and thank him for taking my seat on the BPD train. Unfortunately her actions are very hurtful to my sons. I try my best to shelter them but not so easy when the circus is across the street.

PS her whole family was at my house for birthday party over the weekend. She didn't even stop over to see her Mom and sister that she has abandoned. A Real Piece of Work she is!

[mywifecrazy]

The whole thing was a HUGE red flag which I blissfully ignored. Oh well... .

Join the Club!

It makes me realize how gullible I was looking back. I just never thought that any human being could be so cruel and heartless... . Oh we'll, live and learn!

[Dutched]

mywifecrazy

Matters were a “bit more complicated”.  Kids then, D20 / S 16.   She blew my family up in “that“ blink of an eye.

Effects devastating for the kids and for the r/s between D and me. 

S lives with me, visiting mom for a 2 days a week. He is doing very very well.

D left with mom. Furious towards me, as mom HAD to blow the r/s up because of me! She dropped out of university.

All ended up (now 3+ yrs. later) that I have no contact with D anymore… (as mom leaving her parents…).

D walked on the sidewalk, passing me by within arms length   GUESS…  I WAS DEAD for her.     

Mom telling my son she want a divorce, after 3 months, (I told him the day after her outburst) as she couldn’t confront herself with the word “divorce” (never mentioned that word towards me too…).

Mom couldn’t stick to appointments made with S (even simple ones at time to pick him up)

Avoiding any talks with S concerning his school, choices he needed to discuss. Did it with me.

She isn’t decisive when matters get complicated, avoiding all responsibility (ended up with Dad).

Obviously mom can’t support D emotionally, matters got worse and worse.

Mom was NOT present at son’s graduation! Could you imagine how that hurts him and me as father.

They are “her” kids. Her love objects, to love, to nurture. Above all to manipulate in order to sooth mom!

Mom within weeks to D:  “It is about time to pull yourself together, you grieved for long enough now!”

Mom towards S within months: “Your future is not my problem! You have to live with that!” 

Yes, loving and caring as no other when r/s was intact, really

Yea, a “mom” cold as ice, hard as a rock, emotionally blocked, to be soothed by kids.

Still towards kids (as I was informed…) “Both of you are the best ever happened to me”.

[Dutched]

The whole thing was a HUGE red flag which I blissfully ignored. Oh well... .

I don’t want to hijack, but

I think we didn’t ignored flags. There is a saying “love blinds”. I think we saw the whole package. That package was/is interesting, worth it to continue. Of course I agree it depends on how “severe damaged” (ex was HF, r/s lasted very long).

Let the 1st one raise hands that knew about it and willingly took a change.

[Johnny Alias]

I don't think she (uBPDxw) will ever make contact with her family again. She has even made crazy accusations about being molested by her father and brother. Also said her Dad beat on her mother. All untrue as she has accused ME of beating and raping her. It's all very sad, she is truly a very sick person.

My two cents here.  I don't deny that she's done some SUPER evil deceitful manipulative crap... . BUT... . there is a possibility that what she said about her Dad and Brother molesting her being true or even partially true.  An incredibly high percentage of BPD's were abused sexually or physically growing up.  Really. 

Does that excuse her behavior?  OH HELL NO!  Just saying don't be quick to presume that there isn't a bit of truth in that statement... . and if it is true it means she is even MORE unfixable than you can imagine. 

[Tincup]

I just want to toss my two cents in here as well.  My ex had no contact at all with her father.  She told me that she was emotionally and physically abused as a child.  But her sisters did have contact with the father so I am not really sure what the real story was.  She did tell me that she had a bad temper and would butt heads with her father when she was growing up... . Hard to imagine she had a temper as a child and butt heads with someone (sarcasm)... .

[Dutched]

See earlier.   May I complete as father who was abandoned.

So D left with mom. D declared me DEAD.

She mailed a day.  She rather lives in/with grieve for not seeing me, than seeing me and get hurt…

A silence cry for your help as a psychologist says, NPD others say and this is PAS my lawyer said, what ever.

Anyway. I never laid a hand on her or was she abused.  As kid she cold have a bad, very bad temper. As teenager tantrums! “High functioning”, doing very well at school.

As Tincup refers to. One kid abandoned parents accusing them of… the other one not.  Like my situation.

Son is living with me, no problem at all, raised in the same family, seen all, experienced all.  If / when Dad was the source of all evil, he would have left too.

No, it is in her brain., her brain only.

[mywifecrazy]

mywifecrazy

S lives with me, visiting mom for a 2 days a week. He is doing very very well.

D left with mom. Furious towards me, as mom HAD to blow the r/s up because of me!

Mom couldn’t stick to appointments made with S (even simple ones at time to pick him up)

Avoiding any talks with S concerning his school, choices he needed to discuss. Did it with me.

Mom was NOT present at son’s graduation! Could you imagine how that hurts him and me as father.

They are “her” kids. Her love objects, to love, to nurture. Above all to manipulate in order to sooth mom!

Mom towards S within months: “Your future is not my problem! You have to live with that!” 

I feel for you brother. Your situation is similar to mine. I've read on another thread that it's not uncommon for pwBPD to actually split their kids as one all good and one all bad. My uBPDxw shows favoritism definitely towards my older S14. She always calls the house when she knows he is there and S9 is not there. She even stooped so low to tell S14 that she never wanted S9 but that I manipulated her into getting pregnant. Can you imagine telling a 14yr old boy that?

You are exactly right when you say they manipulate their own kids just to SOOTH themselves.

I'm sorry for what you are made to endure. Be strong for your son and daughter (if she ever gets out of her mothers fog). They need you! Take some comfort in knowing your not alone!

You and all my other NON's brothers and sisters on here are in my prayers!

[mywifecrazy]

I don't think she (uBPDxw) will ever make contact with her family again. She has even made crazy accusations about being molested by her father and brother. Also said her Dad beat on her mother. All untrue as she has accused ME of beating and raping her. It's all very sad, she is truly a very sick person.

My two cents here.  I don't deny that she's done some SUPER evil deceitful manipulative crap... . BUT... . there is a possibility that what she said about her Dad and Brother molesting her being true or even partially true.  An incredibly high percentage of BPD's were abused sexually or physically growing up.  Really. 

Does that excuse her behavior?  OH HELL NO!  Just saying don't be quick to presume that there isn't a bit of truth in that statement... . and if it is true it means she is even MORE unfixable than you can imagine. 

No quick rush to judgement here. I can understand how it may look to you not knowing the full story. I understand that many pwBPD were sexually and physically abused as children. It's also true that pwBPD lie and say they were abused as a way of making themselves out to be victims needing to be rescued.

In my particular case I believed her stories when I was in the FOG. My uBPDxw used several stories to manipulate me into being her rescuer and new r/s. The stories were father molested her, brother molested her, boyfriend raped and beat her. After we got married the stories and all the drama magically disappeared. FFWD 18 years later and I catch her in bed with the neighbor. Her I come to find out that she was doing it all over again only this time I was one of the Villains and the neighbor was the new RESCUER? She even told someone stories about me beating her and raping her. These stories were word for word the same stories that she told me about her old boyfriend.  When I confronted her about this she all of the sudden brought up,the old stories of abuse to try to manipulate me into being sympathetic to her. I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT. It's amazing how things clear up when your out of the fog.

My uBPDxw has a pattern of lies and manipulation all designed around demonizing someone in order to be rescued. In fact she can't control her lying it's quite pathetic anymore.

I have since been in close contact with her whole family and her stories just don't add up. I would have to willfully suspend reality to believe anything she has said about anyone.

Don't take this the wrong way anyone please! It woulD be easier to deal with if her stories of abuse were true then maybe she could get some help but I'm more fearful for her now that Her,stories,were all just fabrications. What else is she capable of doing or saying to hurt people?