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BPDFamily.com
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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Setting Boundaries
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Topic: Setting Boundaries (Read 432 times)
Turkish
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12167
Dad to my wolf pack
Setting Boundaries
«
on:
February 06, 2014, 05:47:07 PM »
Another session with my T today. I told him that my X still needs validation from me: on her choice of clothing (does this scarf match my pants?), even asked me if her hair smelled the other day (like an idiot, I leaned in and smelled it). My T said, "let's role play, you be her, I'll be you."
Me: "How does this blouse look on me?"
T: "Ex, what are you doing?"
Me: "what do you mean, I'm just asking how this looks?"
T: "Ex, what are you doing?"
Me: blank stare.
T: "You're acting like we're still in some kind of r/s when we're not. It's no longer my job to validate you, since you chose to tank our r/s, or offer opinions on things like that, so I won't. We're co-parents, and that's it."
Turn it back onto her, because she really doesn't realize what she is doing. With mine, with a lot of ours, they can't detach from us, even when they end our relationships horribly. Good way to respond... . I'll report back how it works.
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
myself
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #1 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:01:33 PM »
Your T gives good advice.
You could have said, "You look like someone who cheats."
Holding a mirror of truth may get her to stop asking, good luck.
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seeking balance
Retired Staff
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7146
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #2 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:04:57 PM »
Hey Turkish,
You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you
Cheers,
SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Turkish
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12167
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #3 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:16:27 PM »
Quote from: seeking balance on February 06, 2014, 06:04:57 PM
Hey Turkish,
You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you
Cheers,
SB
Thanks sb. I was more just throwing it out there if it helps anyone else engagement attempts.
myself: very funny. I've been taking the high road, and keeping my inner child asleep, though it sleeps lightly... . She thanked me again through email for taking care of things.
Another thing the T said, and there was a recent thread that was similar, is that we are no longer in a r/s and what she does on her own time and whatever guys she's out with us no longer my business. I think I've been doing ok on detaching from that emotionally.
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
myself
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #4 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:22:56 PM »
Quote from: Turkish on February 06, 2014, 06:16:27 PM
I've been taking the high road
The high road is the better road.
That's where I am too.
It's a fine line but gets us where we need to be
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delusionalxox
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 352
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #5 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:29:25 PM »
Turkish that is eerie... . in May when ex was already cheating on me, he was on skype a lot asking me what I thought of his new suit and shoes... . obsessing over them and my opinion... .
We sure are the 'parent' to them aren't we? Both the good one and the Bad One!
I am in awe of your strength, if I had to see ex all the time and share kids with him I think I would definitely have gone nuts by now.
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seeking balance
Retired Staff
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7146
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #6 on:
February 06, 2014, 06:30:56 PM »
Quote from: Turkish on February 06, 2014, 06:16:27 PM
Quote from: seeking balance on February 06, 2014, 06:04:57 PM
Hey Turkish,
You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you
Cheers,
SB
Thanks sb. I was more just throwing it out there if it helps anyone else engagement attempts.
yeah, I get it, especially wanting to help the leavers since you feel this is your home turf.
There really is a big difference on the skills needed for detaching for the sake of leaving and detaching, but still parenting... . it is a hybrid of staying skills that are just not taught on leaving and leaving tools are not in your best interest for parenting together if that makes in sense.
Dreamgirl is a master at the skills needed and some others on that board really are good with teaching you how to set boundaries, but being mindful of triggering... . you will really get a masters class in BPD communication and your own boundaries! I am not sure if you have ever read Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder - it is really good in separating the skills needed for being in relation with someone with BPD. Unfortunately (well, fortunate in that you wouldn't trade it) having kids requires you to be in relation even if not romantic.
It is tough to do when detaching yourself - and anyone who has the option just to walk really won't understand all your dynamics at play. And Turk, you do have many dynamics at play for sure!
Hope this clarifies a bit more for you - your detaching emotions for Leaving board absolutely... . communication tools might serve you better on co-parenting is all.
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12167
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #7 on:
February 06, 2014, 07:08:39 PM »
Home turf? I hope I don't come off to anybody like I own the place... . I think I get what you are saying though. I will make digesting the co parenting board lessons a priority after this weekend when I have a lot of stuff to do around the house. yes, you clarified, thanks... .
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Take2
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Posts: 732
Re: Setting Boundaries
«
Reply #8 on:
February 06, 2014, 07:50:12 PM »
Quote from: Turkish on February 06, 2014, 06:16:27 PM
Another thing the T said, and there was a recent thread that was similar, is that we are no longer in a r/s and what she does on her own time and whatever guys she's out with us no longer my business. I think I've been doing ok on detaching from that emotionally.
My therapist brought this up to me last week... . I forget exactly what I'd said about my ex and some action he was doing connected to my replacement... . and my T pointed out that it's not my business what he's doing and that I need to stop trying to manipulate that. I think I was trying to explain how wrong it was how he'd been lying to me for months about her existence but at the end of the day, really, T is right. Just a painful realization... .
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