Boundaries Around Silent Treatment

[bruceli]

Looking to set up boundaries around the silent treatment during the push phase and am looking for some help with this.

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[elemental]

The only boundries you can have are to do with yourself.

For example, this is my boundry when my boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment: I will not stay present with him while he is giving me the silent treatment.

For example, I will go do other things. Read, a movie, go work some extra time, hang out with friends.

Mine usually leaves the house and goes to his mother's and gives me silent treatment from there. I don't call, text, email. I shut down skype and other instant messengers.  He does not get to have me as a captive audience anywhere being on the receiving end of silent treatment.

More or less, I am able to enforce this these days.

It has taken about 3 episodes of this over the last 7 weeks to get a bit of a change on his end. He came back around this time, offering *me* empathy and support.

Feels odd, but I am going with it.

Point is to live your own life without them while they do it. Mine is a hard case, and I guess he decided it was boring without me crying at him to talk to me. 

[hergestridge]

Looking to set up boundaries around the silent treatment during the push phase and am looking for some help with this.

I used to be so happy and really applaud my BPDw for ending her silent treatment, which kind of stupid considering how I rewarded her push-pull-type behavior. I was so hooked on the relief at the end of the long awful hell ride that is the silent treatment.

One such silent "episode" ended today and I got to think how my reaction has changed over time. Today my wife called me up and was all kisses and hugs - not a word about two months of cold distance. But no longer react with relief. I just get really frustrated and I have to keep myself from raging.

How does she expect me to turn on a dime for her? F**k you, I'm not crawling back begging for some sweet make up sex just to have this ___ start all over again in a couple of weeks.

I'm no longer hooked. On the contrary, I've started to expect to be treated like a normal human being and I realized that what I've just went through was not OK.

In short, a boundary for me is not to be a puppet string for her emotional 180 degree turns. I don't know how effective it is, but it helps me keep some of my dignity and self-worth (as opposed to saving our relationship I guess).  

[hergestridge]

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[Perez]

Try to look at the Silent Treatment period as a time to care of yourself.  This does not come easy to me as I have in the past been embittered by the unfairness of the situation, and let that bitterness get a hold of me.  I am learning to let go, follow my own interests, and work on my emotional health during the period of "separation".  To make lemonade out of lemons.

[bruceli]

Try to look at the Silent Treatment period as a time to care of yourself.  This does not come easy to me as I have in the past been embittered by the unfairness of the situation, and let that bitterness get a hold of me.  I am learning to let go, follow my own interests, and work on my emotional health during the period of "separation".  To make lemonade out of lemons.

... . and I try to do the same even though I don't like lemonade.  I also go by the philosophy that fair does not mean equal.  Life with a pwPD will never be equal and to understand their world is the fair thing for me to do.

[FigureIt]

The silent treatment I receive is a bit different.  My uBPDbf comes home from work about the same time each night.  Usually, I am already home.  I greet him hello (hug & kiss) and then he's off to the basement to workout, then shower, then sit in front of the TV and doses off.  He doesn't engage in any conversation, doesn't ask me how I am, If I say "I love you" I MAY get the same response in turn.  If I ask about weekend plans, I always get "I don't know... . "

It's ALWAYS silent during my week.  The only time he talks is if we are out on the weekend and he has had a couple drinks.  Then usually he talks to others, not really me.

If I schedule anything during the week and I am not home when he gets there, he doesn't make ANY effort to engage with me.  Yet, it is okay for him to be late from work with NO Word, or make plans to play racquetball with the guys or even a drs. appt.   But if I do this... . "I'm ALWAYS BUSY!"  According to him.

These days, I hate when my daughter goes to her father's because I have no one to talk to.  Even though my BPDbf is in the house... . I AM ALONE.  But, he will text his best guy friend over & over & over in that time.

[elemental]

In the end the importance of your self worth is most valuble. All you have is your self, always.

Mine has been openly stating that if I make him feel bad, he won't be talking to me.

So he has a boundry. Zencat bums him out? No talking to Zencat cause she made him feel bad.

We had an awesome week last week. It was the best week we had for years. I felt really hopeful. Then I woke up and he was gone to see his kids. No goodbye, see you later... and I had a panic attack. Scared to death of another overnight.

Friends, this time I cannot report a success. By the time he showed back up (didnt stay overnight) I was in a major panic attack, my blood sugar so high I was dizzy as a drunk, my vision messed up from the blood sugar issue and I was all over the place doing the JADE walk.

It was epic, ugly, he humiliated me, during a panic attack, until I went into a rage... and at the end of it all, here I am, he's giving me silent treatment to punish and I go from a state of hope to despair and wanting to kick him in the teeth.

And that is the world of a BPD with NPD traits. You don't want to live there. I don't. Not sure if I left any stone unturned. I don't know how to control a panic attack under those conditions.