I just wanted to post this to let other members who are really suffering like I was a few months ago know that there is hope.
It's now been 4 months since I saw uBPD/narc ex and found out he had been cheating on me and moved in with another woman when he disappeared(in a hail of superior and contemptuous text messages) and ignored my pregnancy in May last year- and a termination I went through on my own. :'(
I tried the 'forgive and be friends' thing after that, while refusing to go back to him (he popped up in August and immediatelly began begging and commanding me to go back to him! ) because forgiveness is something I always want (duh)... . and suffice to say because of my own conflicted feelings and his (let's be frank) craziness, it did not work.
I didn't maintain NC very well, and in fact have only been fully NC for about a week. I called him to say sorry for my part in it all. Wanted to clear the slate. His response was to delete me from skype and issue a 10 minute diatribe about my moral evil and emotional stupidity, and to urge me to 'seek wisdom'
That was really closure, actually. The penny dropped: he is bonkers! He will never change! His levels of hypocrisy, arrogance and paranoia are simply sky high. There is nothing redeemable here, and no one I even want to be friends with. I still feel sorry for him and remember the good side, which seems to have shrunk considerably
Out of the FOG and also (in my case) the blinding sexual attraction (which I think was Stockholm Syndrome) it is so much easier to see it.,
Yes, I have had problems with depression and anger and done stupid things in the r/s but there were reasons... . many good reasons... . and sorry, I am simply not the crazy psycho narc bhit he calls me. No way. He, the two-timer and liar, even accused ME last week of 'multiple affairs'... . ! The projection was so much more obvious than it has ever been.
And what was great was that although I'd still like him to say sorry, to justfy myself finally, to be recognised as the person who did way too much for him and got ___ on... . it matters so much less now, because i know my own truth at last.
I am not perfect, but I didn't deserve what he did... . and I am not responsible for it.
I was in agony over the summer, coudlnt' eat or sleep felt I was falling apart from the inside. I am still hurt, I still feel pain over it all and deep regret at the waste of my energy, the abuse I took and took. But it is BETTER. And it will get better for you too. There is life after BPD!
THANKYOU all for the support and wisdom. I must become a financial supporter... .
this forum has been invaluable.
xx
