How to give opinion on sensitive topics?

[Chosen]

I never bring up sensitive topics with H (like politics, certain aspects of religion) because he has very strong opinions and thinks it's the only way to go.

But what if he brings it up and I have to respond?  I usually just do non-commital responses and don't encourage further discussion, but sometimes he just wants to have somebody to discuss certain things.  How can I steer this conversation to end well?  Any words of advice please?

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[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I have a similar situation with my UBPDw.  She is always printing off articles for me to read because there is no agreeing to disagree.

Sometimes I can get by with non-commital grunts.  If she persist I'll restate my position once and try the "agree to disagree" line.

Once I'm up to "yes, I understand you think X I just don't agree with you" it's time to separate myself if she continues.

Nothing logical will work.  She can take it personally that I don't respect her if I don't agree with her but somehow when she doesn't agree with me it's not a respect issue... .

[lena7]

I have no idea what to do when it comes to that. A couple of nights ago a comment I made about skepticism about a subject triggered my BPDh. He started asking me what was my agenda, why was I bringing the subject up, if I was tired of this relationship... . How could the conversation have taken such a drastic turn? I went into the other room and just wanted to cry so hard. I have nobody in my life who I can talk to... . even about the most superficial subjects. It would be nice to have an escape every once in a while.

[CPWUSAF33]

Interesting topic and one of which I can certainly empathize... .

Any controversial subject or any sensitive or very personal subject is always dangerous ground with my uBPDw.

The reason they are so difficult is because pwBPD see things as only Black and White--no shades of gray.  So, just like anything, the pwBPD has a very contentious position which is often even irrational.  This is where the validation helps.  I don't have to agree with her; but, I can say, "I certainly can understand why you would feel that way."  I also often repeat exactly what she says just so she knows I'm listening and then I'll gradually bring in my opinion.  Even if we find "common ground" on a subject it is "all or nothing with a pwBPD."  Partial agreement to a pwBPD is total disagreement.

What I would see as a debate or political discussion, she sees as a "put down" of her position and also that anyone that disagrees with her opinion is basically an idiot or is worthless.  So, if we are not even close on agreement, I will typically just give no opinion.

Lena7 said, "I have nobody in my life who I can talk to... . even about the most superficial subjects. It would be nice to have an escape every once in a while."

That is the hard part--you so desire to share with you SO your point of view; but, it just isn't worth the outcome.  I share more things that are close to me with my close co-workers than I do my uBPDw.  That is sad; but, it is true.  I cannot share with her my inner most thoughts because I'll either be viewed as weak or Super-strong; Sensitive or brash; genius or idiot--nothing in between--no real discussion ever takes place.  It's nice to discuss things with co-workers; Pastors; etc.; but, nothing would be finer that to share your deepest most personal thoughts with your SO.  Unfortunately that is not possible with a pwBPD--at least not with mine.

[lena7]

The worst thing is that it's bad by the fact I can't share any points of view when it comes to more superficial topics, it gets worse when we have to make life decisions! Things that really affect our family. It's his way or the highway. And he has the worst judgement when it comes to making an important decision. It comes to the point that I have to put my wants, needs, my career, everything aside because I don't have a say. Even though he comes to me for my input... . it's really for him to hear himself talking.

[CPWUSAF33]

The worst thing is that it's bad by the fact I can't share any points of view when it comes to more superficial topics, it gets worse when we have to make life decisions! Things that really affect our family. It's his way or the highway. And he has the worst judgement when it comes to making an important decision. It comes to the point that I have to put my wants, needs, my career, everything aside because I don't have a say. Even though he comes to me for my input... . it's really for him to hear himself talking.

With no shades of gray for the pwBPD your "say" is often discarded if it does not fully comply with his... . I truly understand; but, somehow you and I need to learn how to satisfy our wants, needs, and desires on our own.  After coming here, I am more encouraged to start taking care of myself.  I used to think that was selfish; but, I'm trying now to do better in this quest.  I have quite literally forgotten how to do something for myself.  But, like anything else I can learn to crawl before I walk and walk before I run.  I'm barely crawling right now; but, I'm going to keep trying until I get on my feet and start walking one-day.