Hi hergestridge,
My wife has gone into a kind of denial about her illness. It's been on and off for a long time, so it's nothing new. But it's so difficult to deal with. She's been getting slightly better from her meds (lithium), but it's only mariginal. But she's gone into a phase where she refuses to acknowledge her illness att all or refer to it in any away, and she won't discuss the effects the medication has had on her. Bringing this up will only upset her.
The thing is she's started to plan her future (i e our future!) as if she didn't have an illness at all, which is kind of bizarre considering how much I adapt my everyday life to her illness. I take the majority of the care of our daughter and never leave my wife alone with her except for a few hours (including weekends), in case my wife has a meltdown. I love my daughter, but these are major sacrifices on my part.
insight into illness for a pwBPD is hard to have as ability of self reflection typically is less developed. Right now you carry all the burden. Might be even a factor in her having to acknowledge that she is not so well - because all is well - thanks to hergestrige. Actually not all is well, you are feeling overwhelmed . Maybe it is time to reconsider boundaries.
Now my wife is planning to have a few weeks on her own with our daughter this summer. She just said it yesterday. With no comment.
I don't know how to react. I don't know if this is meant to "challenge" me, because if I would point out the obvious ("Is that really going to work out?" than that would turn into a big fight. And it's exactly those kind of fights that leads to the big dysfunctional episodes, so I hesitate to go there. And I need my good night's sleep.
I can't for my life imagine that she doesn't understand that she's bringing up something controversial. When I go away for a weekend on errands, she takes her daughter and visits her parents because she's afraid to be alone with her daughter.
Validate. It is a valid desire of her after all. It might not really be a valid course of action as you describe it. But then summer is far away so do you need to take action on that front? Once you validate her desire and that is tuned down there is enough space into which her fear can creep back in and likely will. She may well stop herself as the next step.
Four months ago we had a "crisis plan". If she's dysregulating I would refer to the crisis plan and she would leave the house, for our daughter's sake. That's the kind of self-awareness she had then. Now you can't mention her mental health. She only brings up important issues over the dinner table when our three year old is present as a strategy to avoid the unpleasant discussions. And difficult questions are met with "Not now... . ", and then after the daughter's bedtime she's too tired to talk.
I have no contact with health professionals that treats her, so I have no update on her health status (apart from the BPD diagnosis), but I can't just let her decided that's she's OK. I feel that she's not taking the responsibility for her mental health that she should be as a parent or partner. If we would be to separate I would sure like to consult one of her doctors on the issue of custody, so I'm thinking that perhaps it's time to consult one of them now, on the issue of parenting?
Any thoughts or input on the situation? Any similiar experiences?
Validate that she is afraid to bring up difficult questions in f2f discussions. Sounds like she is having a few difficult issues on her mind and is in a semi dysregulated state for a prolonged period of time.
