Does your BPD ex haunt your new relationships?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After many recycles and heartaches, the latest and thankfully the last split from my BPD ex came in October, when he unceremoniously dumped me and admitted he felt numb towards me.

For months I have been dealing with the pain of this. To be perfectly honest, I think I have identified that it isn't the loss of him or love that I am suffering from, but from the huge scale and cruelty of his rejection.

I have been following the advice of my friends and my heart and blocked him on all media ever since he texted me on Christmas day and it threw me into huge emotional turmoil, where i was ringing him begging for him back and telling him i missed him   :'(

Him ignoring this and taking a self-righteous and superior attitude towards me only tortured me more and i knew I had to go NC completely.

And I have. NC has been firmly and healthily established since then and although I know through my mutual friends that he is continuing to be pious about our relationship ('I just want us to be cool when we see eachother', 'I hope she's ok', 'Maybe i should contact her to clear the air' - amongst other insincere BPD comments urghhhh)


During my healing time, where I have spent a lot of time at the gym and seeing friends, I have come to a point of happiness where I feel comfortable and can cope with day to day life.

I have also bumped into and since been in touch with an ex boyfriend (who I split from 2 years ago because we felt we needed some time to grow on our own but who I had been with for 4.5 years in the most amazing relationship).

We have spent time together as friends, although he has always made it clear that he wants us to get back together (we even said this at the time of splitting up, that we would get back together one day... . until i met BPD ex and he f-d things up for us!)

My nice ex boyfriend has asked me to try things again and take things slowly, which at first I refused because i didn;t feel ready but since have changed my mind after constant dreams of not wanting to lose him and regretting turning him down.

We have started dating and I am so happy when I am around him, I feel elated and giddy!

But there seems to be this hard block in my heart which is stopping me from fully falling for him and allowing him to love me.

I had a nightmare last night that I was cheating on him with my BPD ex. I just can't decide what it all means.

I know that I love him and he is who I want to be with now, but I can't quite move on from my BPD ex either and this feels unfair on him.


Has anyone else had problems with new relationships?


I have been with other guys that meant nothing to me in between, but because I didn't care about them, it didn't matter that I had this wall built up.

Urghhhh, so confused.

[Shall1989]

After many recycles and heartaches, the latest and thankfully the last split from my BPD ex came in October, when he unceremoniously dumped me and admitted he felt numb towards me.

For months I have been dealing with the pain of this. To be perfectly honest, I think I have identified that it isn't the loss of him or love that I am suffering from, but from the huge scale and cruelty of his rejection.

I have been following the advice of my friends and my heart and blocked him on all media ever since he texted me on Christmas day and it threw me into huge emotional turmoil, where i was ringing him begging for him back and telling him i missed him   :'(

Him ignoring this and taking a self-righteous and superior attitude towards me only tortured me more and i knew I had to go NC completely.

And I have. NC has been firmly and healthily established since then and although I know through my mutual friends that he is continuing to be pious about our relationship ('I just want us to be cool when we see eachother', 'I hope she's ok', 'Maybe i should contact her to clear the air' - amongst other insincere BPD comments urghhhh)


During my healing time, where I have spent a lot of time at the gym and seeing friends, I have come to a point of happiness where I feel comfortable and can cope with day to day life.

I have also bumped into and since been in touch with an ex boyfriend (who I split from 2 years ago because we felt we needed some time to grow on our own but who I had been with for 4.5 years in the most amazing relationship).

We have spent time together as friends, although he has always made it clear that he wants us to get back together (we even said this at the time of splitting up, that we would get back together one day... . until i met BPD ex and he f-d things up for us!)

My nice ex boyfriend has asked me to try things again and take things slowly, which at first I refused because i didn;t feel ready but since have changed my mind after constant dreams of not wanting to lose him and regretting turning him down.

We have started dating and I am so happy when I am around him, I feel elated and giddy!

But there seems to be this hard block in my heart which is stopping me from fully falling for him and allowing him to love me.

I had a nightmare last night that I was cheating on him with my BPD ex. I just can't decide what it all means.

I know that I love him and he is who I want to be with now, but I can't quite move on from my BPD ex either and this feels unfair on him.


Has anyone else had problems with new relationships?


I have been with other guys that meant nothing to me in between, but because I didn't care about them, it didn't matter that I had this wall built up.

Urghhhh, so confused.

[Eric1]

Yup, experiancing it now. The girl im kinda seeing is the complete polar opposite to my ex, but I can't open myself up to a relationship. Deep down, I still want my ex, which is causing me some serious issues.

[Shall1989]

That's exactly what I am experiencing.

In every way, this new relationship is better than anything with BPD ex.

But it feels almost as if because there is no uncertainty and drama, that it lacks passion or something crazy like that!

I feel so damaged! How long have you been with your new girlfriend for?

[mgl210]

I haven't really had any other rs besides her.  Sure I've met other fens, but I've always been on guard. Still am even though its pretty recent of he pain. I'm scared to get to close to anyone. I'm scared to allow myself to believe 

Mgl

[growing_wings]

But it feels almost as if because there is no uncertainty and drama, that it lacks passion or something crazy like that!

HI Shall,

you hit the nail on the head. It is the addiction to drama that you miss. This is very normal afterleaving a BPD r/s. Non's learn to normalize drama (either in childhood or during the r/s with the pwBPD), and when drama is not there it feels "weird". Life is "boring"... .

you are not too damaged. You just need to re-wire the way you think, so you dont consider you NEED the drama in a new r/s, THis is not too easy, as it will feel uncomforable and boring until you adapt.

Think: if we could adapt ourselves to living with drama every day, i am sure we can adapt (after a period) to live without drama.

Hang in there, change your way of thinking and you will be fine.

[Shall1989]

Thank you - that has actually made me feel a lot better.

I keep having to remind myself that it isn't him or the relationship that I am craving.

He created so many insecurities in me that were never there before and it feels as if he is the only one who can take them away.

I'm working on being my own security blanket and my new guy is so stable and kind and loving that he is helping with this a lot too.


I have explained, vaguely to my new guy that I am feeling damaged and why. He is being patient but knowing that he will never fully understand is also a strange feeling I am dealing with.

[In_n_Out]

I have a new lady friend coming to visit me this weekend (she lives about 3 hours away).  I'm concerned that certain triggers will cause me to think of my ex or that I may make comparisons, but I think that's normal especially when you haven't fully healed (and healing from a BPD r/s takes longer than others I'm gathering).  The new friend knows about my ex and BPD and so I'm hoping that she's patient and understanding about the situation - and that I'm not looking to rush in to *anything* right now.  I just want to add to my circle of friends and learn to come back out of the foxhole that my ex had my buried in for the past 3.5 years.

[Moonie75]

Shall1989 & Eric1,

I think subconsciously you may be missing the drama of BPD. (it's very bonding despite its unhealthiness).

Consciously though, the lack of drama feels like a lack of excitement! Then when we weigh up all the good of the new partner we get so confused that we know they're a better option/person, but we still pine for the unhealthy ex. It's the drama we're missing because the healthy new partner doesn't bring that with them!

[growing_wings]

Thank you - that has actually made me feel a lot better.

I keep having to remind myself that it isn't him or the relationship that I am craving.

He created so many insecurities in me that were never there before and it feels as if he is the only one who can take them away.

I'm working on being my own security blanket and my new guy is so stable and kind and loving that he is helping with this a lot too.


I have explained, vaguely to my new guy that I am feeling damaged and why. He is being patient but knowing that he will never fully understand is also a strange feeling I am dealing with.

Shall, remember... . Knowledge IS power. Once you identify your addition to drama, it becomes easier to deal with it. Up and downs, but at least you are aware now.

wish you every success with your new stable guy 

[Moonie75]

He created so many insecurities in me that were never there before and it feels as if he is the only one who can take them away.

Yes they were there!

He just dug them out of you & threw them in your lap. PwBPD show us many of our own issues & we don't like it!

You don't need him to help you deal with them, that's solely your job!

And you also don't need him to bury them again if that's what you'd rather do.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, but I think all my past relationships kind of "haunt" me.

I've learned a lot from them, my most recent relationship was really bad, so at least I know the warning signs of a mentally ill person.

So that's a good thing... . my current boyfriend is so different... . it really is amazing how healthy he is.

L

[Shall1989]

True

Mine have always been there due to 'daddy issues' but never came to light because my previous relationships were so healthy and loving (and ended naturally and mutually).

All my BPD ex could ever tell me was negative things about myself, which I know with hindsight was to make himself feel better about himself (he was very threatened by my success and could never congratulate me on my achievements) - I think I craved his approval because I never got it, similar to how I craved my father's approval as a child.

It's a real can of worms!

I just don't want to mess things up in my new relationship. any advice on how to allow yourself to feel emotions again?

[Waifed]

I still have no desire to date after 5 months.  I don't want her back and most days I don't wish her any ill will.  I have accepted that she is not worthy of me and I no longer feel the need to fix her.  I do miss her dearly sometimes (I miss something but not sure what it is).  I do not trust people and I am convinced that everyone is a cheater.  I cannot see myself being with anyone for the rest of my life.  I am working on myself and will continue to do so for a while.  I have come a LONG way in therapy. 

I hope my feelings change and I think they probably will but for now I take life one day at a time. 

[Madison66]

I don't know if "haunt" is a good word to describe what I'm feeling.  "Hangover" may be a better fit.  I'm only a couple months into freedom from my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Met a really cool woman recently who is kind, emotionally mature and seems like a lot of fun.  Very different from my ex in goods ways.  She has had her struggles in life and clearly expresses the "gifts" she's gained from each experience.  Just a depth that I didn't have with my ex.  I think my "hangover" from the previous r/s is that I may not totally trust myself yet and that I'm still stuck a little in the intensity mode from all the previous chaos.

I think since I lived in the surface of my former r/s for so long (I couldn't get the true emotional connection and intimacy I desired), I have found myself comparing the shallow surface things between my new friend and my ex.  I think this just tells me that I need to take things slow.  There is definitely chemistry between us and I just need to let it happen if it is meant to be with this new woman or anyone else.  I am working on the internal trust thing with my T.     

[Madison66]

Now I'm going to say that there are many positive things that come out of the r/s with a pwPD.  Aside from really working on the codependency issues I brought into the r/s, I'm now learning to trust my gut and see    in new r/s's that may have missed previously.  That last part just saved my butt from getting involved with someone I thought was "right", but ended up finding out she has a criminal record and recent bankruptcy.  I just posted about it on the dating board. 

So, yeah, they may haunt us after the b/u and in a new r/s but I'm going to chalk it up as "healthy awareness".  They don't teach this stuff in textbooks... .

[myself]

I would say I do feel haunted, meaning there are still ways I am hanging on to what was. There are so many memories and feelings. It could be that I am haunting myself with this. It's like detoxing, experiencing residual effects while not taking in any more of what has poisoned me. It hasn't been very long so I'm not seeing this as clearly as I will. I am still grieving and detaching. I look forward to being in a better r/s, and will be rising to that day by day. Right now I feel too damaged to be close with someone new. I still hear the rattling of the chains and the moans of what I'm leaving behind.

[mgl210]

Its funny to be writing what I am about to write, but I will. Alot of my friends don't like my ex for the crap that she is putting me through and has put me through. I've lost a great friend because of her. I wont say yet that it has affected my future relationships, because I haven't really dated anyone but her, However I do think it will affect it in some shape or form. I find myself growing bitter and not really ready to be open towards people... . I find myself wondering how someone could end up hurting me just as bad, if not worse than she has already... .

Hope this helps

MGL