Responsibility towards suicide threats UxBPDgf

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Broke up with UxBPDgf 3 weeks ago.

What happened before :

2 weeks before break-up I became sick. I was quiet, distant and one time reacted a bit irritated on her asking constantly what she could do for me. This of course triggered her to freak out on my behaviour. The next morning, still in bed, she insisted on talking with each other because she felt something was wrong. I just felt sick, tired and hungry, so I wasn't really in the mood for some validating, I just kept insisting nothing else was wrong but me feeling sick (the truth).

I felt her rage coming up, so I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom. She then grabbed me and held on to me like it was a matter of life and death... . She planted her nails in my wrist (the scars are still visible) till the wounds bled. I had to wrestle to get myself out of her hands, once I got free she pulled my shirt off my body.

The rest of the day she was crying, insisting on talking with me. She created a lot of drama, got all of our kids crying too (I have 3 kids, she has 2 kids). In the afternoon I just cracked, and wept in her arms. I was so sick, and in shock of her wounding me.

It was very odd, the moment I started weeping, her freaking out stopped and she was all over me again.

I had to leave with my kids to my house after that, and she seemed allright.

Next day, I stayed at home from work, because I was just to sick and weak.

I took care of the kids and rested the rest of the day.

She was texting me that she was feeling sick too. I tried to comfort her at these moments through textmessages.

In the afternoon I rested, and had to get my kids from school, take care of the meal, assisted on homework. In the evening I got a nasty message from her, asking me why I didn't text her for 5 hours during the afternoon and evening... . I admit, normally I would have done that, but I wasn't in the mood, feeling sick and really troubled after all that happened the other day.

Next day, still home from work, but planning to go to my gf to soothe her. She was also feeling sick. When I arrived at her home, she looked angry at me, and started with questioning me "What's wrong ? Why didn't you text me yesterday ? You don't care anymore about me ! I'm feeling sick !".

I was really fed up with the whole situation, grabbed my coat and wanted to leave again. I was there to soothe her, not to be questioned on my love for her.

She then threatened me, if I left her now, she would throw herself under a train... .

Knowing that she had already tried to commit suicide (after breaking up with her exhusband) I couldn't leave. She grabbed her keys, but I couldn't let her leave the house like that. She kept raging at me, pushing me... . At a certain point she took my keys out of my pocket and my glasses off my nose. It was awful, I couldn't leave and I didn't want to be with this out-of-control woman.

She went outside in the garden for a moment. When she returned, she seemed a bit more relaxed, even returned my keys and my glasses.

But then she grabbed a knife out of a kitchen drawer and went up the stairs... .

My only thought was "get that knife out of her hands !"

So I went after her, held her on the stairs. She swung the knife at me once, then I grabbed her arm and wrestled until I had the knife. Just insane, if I think about I now... .

After this she calmed down, I held her in my arms for a while and then I left.

The two weeks that followed I behave more distant and quiet around her, because I was not feeling safe around her. She felt that, and in a last rage (she called it always "talking" we broke off the rs.

That was 3 weeks ago... . Now when I tell my friends about this, they all ask me "Where is she now ? She's in therapy of hospital ?" and I have to say "No she isn't... . ".

Maybe I had to inform somebody of what happened... . Maybe I had to call the police... .

Maybe I need to inform somebody now ? Is this my responsibility, since I was her partner when it happened ? I have the feeling that somebody should now about this, but I don't know who ? She has no parents, 2 half-brothers who she doesn't have much contact with, only an aunt, uncle and grandmother. I'm afraid that telling someone about this, will trigger her again and very bad things will happen, also afraid that her life will collapse if I tell someone about this. Her son is 18, maybe he should know ?

Pffff... .

[Dog biscuit]

hey Hutsepot, she is an adult woman and a mother, she should be able ( and possibly is) to take care of herself. I understand your urge to " rescue" her , but its not your responsibilty anymore. She will drag you down with her if you get involved again, and warning/ telling othersabout her "suicide" treath will get you involved again. It must be very hard, but this may be an ultimate detaching test for you to let her go. 

[Turkish]

It would have been good to call the police after the nail incident. Are you safe now? I would journal all of this with dates and times. Photograph whatever scars are left on your wrists, and never, ever be alone around her again. DB is right, she is not your responsibility.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[Tausk]

Any time we feel anyone is a threat to themselves Or others we have the responsible to call the police.   The disorder is larger than we are.   Just because we are participants in the disorder that does not excuse our responsibilities to alert the correct People and to disengage.  

I would not try to perform brain surgery on anyone.  I would not try to provide therapy to another person's suicidal child.   I can't be involved here.   Playing with fire.  We're supposed to be the adult.  We have to make the adult choices.

No excuses. 

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I'm pretty OK now, except for the total messed up thinking the whole day... .

First two weeks after the break-up I wasn't feeling safe anywhere, very afraid that she would come to my house and do whatever she could do to me and/or my kids.

She texted me, mailed me, called me (even to my office), I never responded to it. Last message I received was on Thursday last week. I just hope she leaves me alone and let me digest this r/s mess by myself.

It's just that if I contact somebody about what happened, it must be for the right reason and to the right person. I mean, I don't want to do it to paint me white to her environment or to prove that I'm the good guy in the whole situation. It has to be about creating a safe future for her and her kids. And I"m not sure if that's the real reason why I want to do it. 

And in the end I don't want to keep thinking about her and her sanity, I know I should be focusing on me, to create a healthier personality for myself.

Pfffff, my head is a mess, my heart is a mess... .

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Just because we are participants in the disorder that does not excuse our responsibilities to alert the correct People and to disengage.   

The question then is : Who are the correct people, who will really do something and help her ?

[Turkish]

Just because we are participants in the disorder that does not excuse our responsibilities to alert the correct People and to disengage.   

The question then is : Who are the correct people, who will really do something and help her ?

It is generally thought that calling EMS is the last resort, and can often be an overreaction. Here is something on it here: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

The ultimate question, however, is if you are no longer in a r/s, and no longer friends, is it your responsibility?

[Tausk]

Just because we are participants in the disorder that does not excuse our responsibilities to alert the correct People and to disengage.    

The question then is : Who are the correct people, who will really do something and help her ?

It is generally thought that calling EMS is the last resort, and can often be an overreaction. Here is something on it here: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

The ultimate question, however, is if you are no longer in a r/s, and no longer friends, is it your responsibility?

Again, if I believe that someone is a threat to themselves or someone else, I have the obligation to call the police.  A therapist and other health care providers have the obligation to follow through with this within the scope of their practice.  If it's dealing with threats with the intent for manipulation that's a different story.  But, it's so hard to tell for sure, especially a person wBPD.  

I doesn't matter if consider myself an ex.  If I'm physically holding and comforting any pwBPD, I'm not in the position to claim I'm an ex, or not involved, and that I don't have responsibility.  The very act of holding a distressed pwBPD, makes me the primary partner in the relationship, because all that matters to a pwBPD is the feelings of the moment.  And at the moment, if I am holding her, I am the mirror/punitive parent/angry child/abuser/rescuer... .



You've mentioned that she's tried to kill herself before.  You wrote that you were concerned that she might harm the children.

Do you live in the States?  If so, The above two flags indicate a call to the police is in order.  I can't imagine too many bigger flags.  :)o you need to see cuts on her wrists?  :)o you need to have a child hurt?  If these things happen and you never called how would you feel.  

If you didn't know your ex, but knew she had tried to kill herself before, knew her current condition, and felt that your children might be in danger... . Would you call the police then?  :)etach and make a decision. And the safe decision is to call the police if it's beyond you.  

Explain to the dispatcher what the situation is and if it is no longer an emergency, they can refer you the local/county mental health office who can direct you.   They are the professionals.  And they can assess the risk to the children. They can decide if a visit from Children's Protective Services is warranted.  What if she's not functional and the children are at risk.  And maybe she didn't kill herself today, but if she was close then she should be registered into the mental health system so that she can be assessed and receive necessary treatment.

If you don't live in the states, I'm not quite sure what you should do, but finding professional help for this professional crisis is necessary.  

This is NOT a game.  But if we choose to participate, such as physically and emotionally comforting, we must remember that THE DISORDER ALWAYS WINS.  In the realm of BPD suicidal games, what does winning mean to the Disorder?

[GreenMango]

Yeah a call to the police when the knives come out seems the safest course.

Yet Huts that moment has passed.  You know it's bad when normal reactions to things arent really registering like they should and this stuff becomes the new normal.

The moment hasn't passed to really consider if you want to be involved anymore - it's getting dangerous.