Guess I'm not Undecided afterall...

[lauren50]

I'm so thankful for these boards. Over the last couple years, I've been confused, learned a lot, been depressed, and angry about how my relationship has turned out. And after bargaining, over and over, I realize nothing I do is going to help the situation. Only he can do that now and he won't. Unless it's about mundane aspects of everyday life, everything that comes out of his mouth is abusive to me and even when he's not talking and giving me the silent treatment, he's being abusive. Since "there's nothing wrong with him" he doesn't realize how his behavior affects our daughter and unborn baby.

The worst feeling recently, was having him hold my hand while I had my blood drawn (for the pregnancy). He was trying to be sweet and caring but all I could hear in my mind was how he "f*ing hates" me, wants to leave me, doesn't think the baby's his, etc. I thought maybe staying would be okay, and if it wasn't, when the new baby started preschool, I could get a job and leave. But I can't take this anymore. I can't go through the rest of this pregnancy trying to block out the awful things he says to me and I can't let my kids be affected by this.

Besides myself wanting to leave, he's certain he's going to leave me anyways because he "knows" I don't love him and I'm "going to leave eventually". He told me today I'm "free to have whoever" I want, so I guess that's it. It's painful still, but a relief. I'm scared about how I'll take care of myself and these two kids; I've been a SAHM for four+ years, have no money, bad credit, and the closest family I have is three states away. But I can't see how things can get worse. The one thing that breaks my heart is that I'll likely have to put my baby in daycare so I can work. I never liked the idea of having someone else raise my children but I guess I have no choice now

[Ceide]

lauren50, I am so sorry you are going through this... .

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your kids.  They are lucky to have you.  You are very brave and you will make it, one day at a time.

Hang in there!

[love4meNOTu]

Unless it's about mundane aspects of everyday life, everything that comes out of his mouth is abusive to me and even when he's not talking and giving me the silent treatment, he's being abusive. Since "there's nothing wrong with him" he doesn't realize how his behavior affects our daughter and unborn baby.

Lauren - I feel for you today. The same thing happened to me. My ex husband was silent at the end of our marriage, and when he did open his mouth it was to verbally assault or put me down. I never knew when the verbal abuse was going to end, and if he was going to hit me the next time he went off. I too, wanted to protect my children from all of it.

The worst feeling recently, was having him hold my hand while I had my blood drawn (for the pregnancy). He was trying to be sweet and caring but all I could hear in my mind was how he "f*ing hates" me, wants to leave me, doesn't think the baby's his, etc. I thought maybe staying would be okay, and if it wasn't, when the new baby started preschool, I could get a job and leave. But I can't take this anymore. I can't go through the rest of this pregnancy trying to block out the awful things he says to me and I can't let my kids be affected by this.

That's the decision I had to make as well... Mine said he "couldn't stand" me, so I needed him out of my house as fast as possible. I had to finally call the police one evening I was so afraid of him. One week later he was gone. We do what we have to do to protect ourselves and our children.

Besides myself wanting to leave, he's certain he's going to leave me anyways because he "knows" I don't love him and I'm "going to leave eventually". He told me today I'm "free to have whoever" I want, so I guess that's it. It's painful still, but a relief. I'm scared about how I'll take care of myself and these two kids; I've been a SAHM for four+ years, have no money, bad credit, and the closest family I have is three states away. But I can't see how things can get worse. The one thing that breaks my heart is that I'll likely have to put my baby in daycare so I can work. I never liked the idea of having someone else raise my children but I guess I have no choice now

You can, and will, make it work. Imagine living another 20 years with this man, and how it would break you and your children down a little more every single day. I think you are brave. And regardless, lots of kiddos are in daycare and they turn out just fine. It makes you a more involved parent in the precious time you have with them.

I'm so amazed at your strength.

God bless,

L

[lauren50]

thank you both for your replies. they really mean a lot. 

today he was supposed to leave for the weekend to drill (military) and before he left is when he told me I was free to have whoever I wanted. While he was gone, he asked me, "do you want to be with me?" and i said, "only if you start seeing a therapist", which isn't completely honest... . I don't think even with therapy I could live with a BPD the rest of my life and let my kids be affected by it, but it's the only thing we've yet to try so I figure it can't hurt.

anyways, he ended up coming home. he's currently UA. he hashed out all my wrong-doings, like I could forget since the last time he told me, saying all sorts of things that screamed red flag, and then told me he wants to go to therapy together. the kicker is, he wants to go so that i can understand what i've done wrong to make him feel the way he does. he then asked if we could just "forget everything" and go have a good time tonight, "as a family" (must be a trigger of mine that he knows works), and remind ourselves of the good parts of our relationship. i told him i couldn't. i used to be able to go with the "fun times" that came after the abuse but it's not fun anymore, I can't forget. of course, this made him mad, that I won't partake in his "fun" but I felt like it was important to do something different this time, not continue the same cycle. all i've ever been to him, it seems, is a means to get what he needs. if he wants to be mad, i'd fight with him. if he needed to feel better than someone, he could put me down and i'd cry. if he wanted to have fun, i'd have fun with him. if he wanted sex, i'd give it to him. i'm over it.

i hope to get some legal counsel this week. i need to leave myself, since he can't seem to stay gone.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi again Lauren...

Yes, my ex did the same. We went to therapy and instead of it being therapy, it was a full blown attack on me. He sat there and blamed me for over an hour, I didn't even get one word in. NOT EVEN ONE WORD ABOUT WHY I WANTED THERAPY.

If the therapist would have said to me... why are you here, L? I would have said... I am afraid of my husband. He rages at me for things he makes up in his head... and accuses me of things I wouldn't even consider doing. I am AFRAID of him. I need him to stop screaming at me and calling me names! Not once did my ex husband ever apologize for what he did to me and the kids. I honestly hope there is a special place in hell for him because of that.

Needless to say, I didn't go back for more "marriage counseling". What a joke.

Do what you have to do Lauren... you know what that is.

L